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Thanks. I guess today is just going to be one of those days.

I really want to reach out to her today. I'm fighting and finding it harder than expected.

My god I’m in the dumps today. This Anger book is really getting me thinking about what I’ve done to my family and mostly my wife. How anger made me controlling and mean. The verbal lashing out is nothing compared to how I feel inside. I never touch on this stuff in our M. I don’t like to go here, I just trudge on trying to be a good H. It hurts, a lot. I had extended my control somehow because of feeling alone. I would always “give her [censored]” and of course the [censored] is the 20 questions; Where are you going? Why are you leaving me? Wo are you going with? Why don’t you invite me? Can’t you be here with me and the children? I don't want you to go. Then of course she’d stay out all night and sometimes not even come home. She wants to leave me because I pushed her away with my anger, but underneath that is a sad and lonely man. She says she doesn’t love me anymore and it is the worst feeling, feeling inadequate and alone which it seems I've been for some time now. When all I want is to be connected to her in a loving and caring way. Real intimacy, real love.

I feel very alone and have for a long time. But as usual I had expressed these feelings in a very wrong way. A hurtful way. There never was much intimacy between W and I. I cannot recall really feeling close to her in a long time. We’ve not been a team, we’ve not been sharing our feelings, and well she admits to giving up and “checking out”. How can I blame her? The very anger that I had at feeling alone, as a parent, as a lover(lost?) and as a friend created this spiral. Further, trying to be emotionally available making me vulnerable combined with feeling alonegs added to being seen as a failure or not strong by her. These feelings fueled the same resentments she has toward me. Further fueling my aloneness and anger oh my the anger I have at being alone! I drove her away, I drove her away because she made me alone. What I need to know is if she sees that. Or do I even care what she sees anymore? She obviously doesn’t want me anymore. I’m so [censored] pathetic….. am I ever going to stop crying? I can’t get this out of my mind, meditation… nope… walk on lunch… nope bury in work… hahaha nope… hopefully a good run after work will help.

First off, you've got to get your anger under control. Are you seeing a therapist about that?

next, she is not a cause for your anger. Anger is a reaction that YOU CHOOSE to do. You don't need to show anger in order to show passion and decisiveness. It doesn't show you as a weak person. You just need to get that part of you under control.

Can you explain in detail your marital history? Are you typically angry and not just with her? What do you say to her during your angry bouts? Doesn't sound like you valued her which is why you didn't "feel" anything towards her. It's much easier to yell and get mad at someone that you "don't know" and that's what you were doing.

Be as detailed as you can and don't sugarcoat your role in this. The more open and honest you are here, the easier it will be to craft a plan for you.

I have not seen a therapist, yet. I've reached out to a few this week. So hopefully soon.

Marital history. Where to start... We met when I was 21 and she 18, summer 1994. Shortly thereafter she moved in with me. About a year or so later we got engaged. The post engagement period was joyous and fun. But at some point we had begun to fight. At some point in here we called it all off and she moved back home but after a few weeks she came back to me. We seemingly mended and moved on. We were engaged for about 5 years before we finally married in 2001. That was a great time in our lives, we were together, making a little money, bought our first house. To say our relationship was rocky would be an understatement, it was bouldery during those post marriage years. We partied, we fought, we'd make up, we loved, we had no obligations but ourselves. Though during this time, she tells me that I wanted to keep her from her family(something she told she has a deep resentment of me for), I suppose this was the feeling of being alone, or not having control of her or being inadequate. It lead to many fights and eventually I stopped going to her family functions, I guessed they hated me, well that was the excuse I'd use. It was as good as it was bad when we were young. And the answer I suppose the anger question is right in here, yes, I think somewhere in here is when I started to get angry about anything. I have been angry for a long time I suppose. We decided to move from the place we grew up in 2005. A fresh start for our 30's. I went back to college to finish my degree. We had our first child in 2006. I was 33 and she 30. A boy, my namesake, we were happy on the outside I guess, I was happy to have a son and still loving every minute of being with her but still struggling in the R, I had always thought she would leave me, because of my anger. We were together but not to-gether. Fighting, making up, the cycle, and I can recall many sleepless nights wondering if she was leaving. Since then, we have been through hell, lost our house in the recession when I lost my job in 2008, and managed to work our way back. We decided about 3 years ago to have another child,and buy a house at the same time, she wasn't sure about having another child, I guess I talked her into it according to her. That was an unbelievably stressful time. She told me the other night, that she gave in to my request hoping it would change me. Heard this story from her for the first time last week, we were in the Dr. office for the ultrasound, and we were told it was a girl, I don't really remember it this way, but she says, she could see the disappointment and anger in my face, that I asked them to double check, and when the nurse said nope its a girl and showed me on the screen, I said something like, well got to get back to work and walked out. I suppose as she says I crushed her. She never told me that until last week when she said she wanted a divorce. Today, I'd tell you that was so stupid of me, I don't recall that happening in that way, but she does, so it must be, I recall it being a very hectic and stressful time in my life. A baby on the way trying to buy a house, sheesh piling it on. I love my daughter and feel ashamed to even relay this. Anyways, the last 3 years have been hard, I'm more quick to yell, I don't hit, am not violent. I've taken out the anger on her and my son to a fairly major degree. The last year she has completely withdrawn to the point of doing almost nothing with me. I have been even more suspicious of her cheating because she was withdrawing, She says shes tried to talk to me but I don't listen. She says she's tried. Today Me: 41 W: 38 S8 D3

I'm generally angry with everything, everyday. It's horrible. I put on a good exterior at work and in social settings. Though I've managed by sheer will power not to yell and scream for over a week now. I know I need help. I know I've hurt her for a long period of time. I know she has stuck by me longer than just about any person in my life. I know this is all my fault.

I get so angry I have no idea what I say, I cannot remember half the time. I would usually belittle and berate her, call her names, put her down, etc.

Like I said it's no wonder she wants to leave me and doesn't believe that I can change.

Sorry for the wall of text it was just flowing.

Do you get so mad, you have some sort of blackout in your memory? Now that is really angry! And you have no idea why. Doesn't make sense why you never tried to get help, but you can do it now. It is not too late. And please, don't just go see someone, to help you get your W back. You really need to break this before it cycles over to your kids.

What about your poor little boy? He will grow up affected by your treatment of him. It is so tragic. You have a lot of years to work through, and lot of hurt to heal. I am concerned for your M, of course, but honestly, I am a lot more worried about the pyscological affects.

I commend you for taking that book to heart. It does takes courage to confess your faults. It takes a lot more to correct them. But I don't think it will be a simple matter of correcting a bad habit, b/c this anger of yours is a way of life. I want to encourage you to seek a well qualified psychiatrist and don't go to some "counselor". This is something that runs very deeply.

If I had been M to a man like that, I think it would have killed my love. And violence is not needed to kill love. It is the cruelty you unleash on the other person. Those who you claim to love the most. Thing is, you control it at work or social places, so that would tell me that you "can" control it. It is a choice to berate and demean your W and child. To take out all your bad feelings on them. To make them feel utterly worthless. And that is what kills their love.

IDK if your W will ever give you another chance, but your son probably will. It may take a long time to turn yourself around, but it can be done. I have seen it done. It is up to you. It always has been.

I don't blackout or lose memory i get so worked up I just go into an attack mode and say very mean things. Yes I think I can control it sometimes others I can't seem to. Well I guess I'll stop wasting time on trying to save my marriage and get some help. Thanks.

I don't get it. Are you trying to save your M? You do realize that a big portion of the problem seems to stem from your anger, right? Knowing that, we can help you figure out the best plan of action.

But if you don't want our help in saving your M, that's your choice.

Mr. Bond
Yes I want to save my M and yes I want help. I'm in a very tough place right now. I want all the help I can get. Yes I realize it's all my anger and I want to change. I'm trying to change. I took the post from Sandi2 too literally, I'm overly sensative right now. Feel like a complete failure. My W means everything to me and am finally realizing the pain I've caused and it hurts and I feel gut wrenchingly guilty. I have made mistakes and I want to make ammends for the things I've done wrong and to the people I've hurt.