Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not sure what to do

Read DB and DR, I'd recommend both. Starsky is absolutely right that you need to be strong about your boundaries in your relationship. If you are OK with an open relationship, that's your business. If you are not, then be crystal clear about that with her. I wouldn't recommend demanding and throwing a tantrum, but be calm, respectful and clear about what will and will not work for you. There's a great post out there (someone help me with who posted it) about "dropping the rope" when dealing with a wayward spouse.

As counterintuitive as it sounds, you need to drop any attachment you have to the outcome of getting her back. If you don't, you will become needy, possessive and angry, and those are things that will drive your W away. Spouses respond to strength. This is something that took me a long time to learn, as Starsky can attest; but once I did, that's when her behavior and rhetoric started to change. It's still a work in progress, but I feel like I'm finally on the right track.

AWESOME idea!!!

Kieran, I'd strongly urge you to look up a poster named Train, and read her sitch. It's a perfect example of "clear and unequivocal."

No. It's wishy/washy ("I don't want you to ...") and yet also controlling at the same time. Not the combination you're looking for.

Boundaries are about OURSELVES, what WE will tolerate and what we won't. Ultimatums are about controlling OTHERS.

An ultimatum is "You cannot see OM, or I will divorce you." (and a wishy-washy version of that is "I don't want you to see OM, or I will divorce you.")

A boundary is "Look, you're a grown woman -- you can do what you want. I'm just telling you that *I* will not live in an open marriage, and I won't remain in one where my wife is having an affair with another man. It sounds like we both have some decisions to make."

There used to be a poster on here named Jayne who explained this concept probably better than anyone else I've ever seen. I liked it so much I saved it in my personal archives (obviously, change the gender as need to fit your own sitch):



Jayne, on “boundaries”:

Think about boundaries like this:

Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.

Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.

But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.

He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.

He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.

BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.

That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.

If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.

Ok. I think I'm starting to get it. Thank you all for the advice. I cannot wait for these books to arrive, so that I can stop making some basic errors!

W is coming back from her trip late Thursday night. Any advice on how to act around her while I am trying to sort out what to do?

Like you would act around a close neighbor, who's staying with you at your house while theirs is remodeled.

What if the "close neighbour" wants to have sex?

Tell your "close neighbor buddy" to ice it and that he's not getting any action as long as W is in an A with OM.

Let's just say there's a reason I chose the analogy I did, and I didn't mean that you should swing with the neighbors.