Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy W still having PA with OP

Thanks Ontheup for the strong and encouraging words. I am struggling with the fact that there will be no change in the marriage until W and OW are split up if they do and that will likely not happen unless there are Consequences. There are currently less than 10 words spoken a day in many cases in recent weeks by W to me and it feels like we have literally slid to the point of separation although we all live in the same home at this time. W did choose to go (I assume as she made D arrangements with me to go) to her IC yesterday evening. One of my rules I gave myself was if she quit going to IC I would be done but I learned that W does not even speak of the OW during her individual sessions as if she is protecting that side of her life from transparency. How can you not talk about something when it is 90% of what you do in your life? Seems crazy to me, literally crazy.

Last night I got to go see a dear friend who is supportive of my sitch and respects the effort I have put in during the last 5 months since I found out but reading about the boundaries just makes me realize I no longer want to live in an open relationship where zero progress is being made in the home.

I do not know whether to file to make this more real for W (Consequences), understanding that it could be the end of our marriage but as I view the last year of my life, I am not married other than a piece of paper right now anyway so I have nothing to lose. Whether I get my marriage back or am freed of this train wreck, I would at least be moving forward with my life instead of being a doormat.

Hi there 4M. If you want to file, do it because you are really and truly ready to move on. Don't do it in the hope that things will become more real to your W and there will be consequences.

It is true that your M (and mine BTW) is only on paper just now. But, if you've been reading these boards for a while, you know the trajectory that most A's take. There may well come a point that your W wants back in. But, as you'll also know from reading these boards, that may not be any time soon.

Are there ways of moving forward with your life without filing for D? Absolutely. Will your W feel consequences without you filing for D? Yes. I guess I'm just saying, wait until you are truly ready to leave your M behind and move on before you file for D.

You can keep it married on paper without financially or emotionally supporting them if you choose to.

That's serious consequence.

Thanks Toots. I have been re-writing my boundaries statement I want to tell W and will include it below for opinions but...I seriously request more examples of consequences I can create without actually filing. I have now read 85% of DR and I get every sitch is different but I don't get how to turn up the heat. Part of my problem as the pleaser as starsky wonderfully puts it is I am not a vindictive person by nature. I don't know how to increase the consequences without actually filing. ideas?

When you continue to lie to me, I feel taken advantage of. We agreed to trade honesty for a temporary open marriage so you had time to think and you have not held up your end of the bargain. When you hardly speak to me yet come and go as you please, I feel like your maid and babysitter as if this is a hotel, not a home. I want to spend my life with someone who values me for whom I am and treats me with respect. If you continue to stay with XXXXXX, I will consider all of my options, including leaving this relationship.

If your wife violates your core boundaries of personal integrity, after being warned about where you stand on them, and you end up having to leave the relationship because of her decision . . .

Why do you think you view that as being "vindictive?"


I think therein lies an important clue about some of your own emotional dysfunction here, 4mend.

Starsky, you are correct. I feel guilt for not being the "helpful placating" me. For example, I quit doing her laundry a few days ago. I noticed last night she did a load on her own of her stuff. I felt horrible that I didn't just do it but knew it was the right thing. Even better, she left it overnight in the wash so it probably stunk this morning.

You are correct that vindictive is a strong word but I used it because I feel like I am fighting nasty instead of the way I should feel which is I am standing up for myself and what I believe.

Starsky, Toots etc. help me with more consequences without filing. I know each sitch is different but give me examples or ideas of things that turn up the heat without filing.

One small, very practical idea I saw on this forum once was where a betrayed wife started taking just ONE thing she used to do each day for her wayward husband, and replaced it with something she then began to do for HERSELF.

Try to think of things that you do for your wife, that you wouldn't do for someone OTHER than your wife. Not simple courtesies (which you should mostly continue to do), but rather things that "I do these because we are committed to one another," and that are probably no longer appropriate now that she is opening saying she's no longer monogamous with you.

Legally, it depends on where you live and what the D and S laws are in your jurisdiction. In Divorce Remedy, Michele talks about having a lawyer draw up something SHORT of a divorce decree, if such a thing exists where you are. I've also suggested leaving the Yellow Pages open to the family law pages for her to find, or a business card of a real "shark" men's rights attorney lying upside down on your nightstand or by your bathroom sink.

There's a ton of ways you can turn up the heat short of filing for divorce. And of course, you can always keep divorce on the table as well, just as a credible threat.


Starsky

Ok, I have my "homework" for this evening. Thank you guys.

One of the problems I have been running into lately as that since I take primary care of D6, since W is essentially WAW, I need to start finding more 30-60 minute things to do after school for us to enjoy together away from home. Unfortunately this time of year in my region, it is not warm enough most days for that type of activity but something I am going to continue to work on as well.

So w comes home this evening and for the first time in literally weeks is conversational, grabs my butt once, unloads and reloads the dishwasher which is HUGE!!! Eats supper with d and I before leaving for workout and spend the evening with ow who is the workout instructor. Thoughts? Act of service...conversational...has supper with us....no clue. Trying not to mind read but...Thoughts?

She's keeping that slowest-spinning plate spinning on the stick.