Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Rebound: Round 2

^^^^ Word.

uR... You are right. I'm off . I feel better. It was a dysfunctional conversation, at best. I am glad I got to hear, something from him vs the shadiness. And he is just such a mess, he makes me feel better about myself. It's sad.

It's hard to see him doing this.
He thought getting into bed with her last year would make him feel better. And it made his life a much bigger disaster. And to try to do that again looking for answers is.... I don't know the word.

He just kept saying he doesn't know why and he doesn't know what it is about her. He always said that before, but now really doesn't understand it. Like he's in a trance.

Not something I wanna watch. So, at least I've heard it from the horses mouth. Still not gonna be easy to see him there- whenever he.... Whatev. But- I am moving on. And I actually feel much better about it right now. I can see myself being happier much quicker after tonight.maybe "quicker" isn't the best choice of words. But I don't feel so stuck.

I know- and this is key- there is nothing at all that I can say or do. So. I'm gonna do me. I think, because I'm so thick headed, that I felt I needed to not just step away so easily. I mean- I did last time and it turned out horribly. And bc I have seen him take this route before... And it turned out horribly.

My kids are stronger. This will hurt them, but their expectations of him are not very high right now.

D13 still talks about moving. She wants to move to California-- the other side of the country. I told her tonight I don't want to live in Cali (no oftense.. Earthquakes in Alaska freaked me out) so she asked if we could move out of the country!

She finally told me tonight that she wants to move to get away from all that. She said, "come on, mom. S17 is graduating soon, so you and I can go. Just the two of us." So sad!

And he doesn't see it. Maybe never will. But sees it with his new daughter. Wtf!

Mlc & newborns are not a good combo. Like mixing sewage with cinnamon and drinking at the finish line of a marathon.

M,you do a lot of mind reading and that doesn't serve you well. The truth is that you cannot possibly know what he or she is thinking or feeling. Yet you constantly write as if you know. And that is part of what sends you spinning.

Give up trying to figure it out. Stop trying to guess what is happening over there. You have no idea.

While you may not make the choices he has, he has a right to make them because he isn't married to you.

Let him go, M. The sooner you do, the sooner you get to peace.

Mighty,
I know it's difficult to turn off the mind reading, but you've go to get that rubber band on your wrist and keep snapping it. Mind reading only creates more stress and anxiety for you.

He may not be making decisions right now, but truthfully his is, i.e., indecision is a decision. He doesn't know which end is up and quite frankly, I would be a bit hesitant to have him wire anything in my home w/his brain the way it is right now. Leave him to his confused mess because there's nothing you can to do help him.

Live your life for you and be there for your children. You only have one life and it really isn't worth wasting one more minute of it on him. Peace is right around the corner...let him go.

Seems to me that you could use 48-72 hours of NOTHING related to EXH. I remember we were making this suggestion a few weeks back.

Could you stay at your mom's for 2 or 3 days?

I have a spare room...albeit it's full of Barbies right now...but, it could still work.

How can you physically distance yourself from this situation?

I'm all for building the Great Wall of B around your home if it gives you some peace.

I know it's hard, but there has to be a way to create some distance/space from this man. At the very least, how do you avoid looking at BIL's driveway...

If I had this in my face 24/7, I'd go insane. Space creates some sense of clarity and sanity.

Is D13 onto something? Maybe not Cali...but out of the neighborhood? Just a thought. YOU cannot continue like this Mighty.

Gulp. Got it. Thought I was moving past. Feels like letting go. It's a process... Or re-process.

D13 is hurting real bad right now. I know she feels abandoned and replaced. I hate that she is seeing the man in her life spend time with someone he hops into bed with. She's no dummy she sees him staying over there and not coming around. Don't want her to think that you need to do that to get or keep a man. How she sees her dad choosing that route and it is leaving her empty and w/I him. That really bothers me that he is doing this to her.

I can only show her how to handle herself. I have to be the strong role model for her. That's my commitment and focus. It will drive me.

Over the weekend she asked to stay at my moms out of town, which she never really asks. She slept in my bed and this morning cried and cried bc she hates being in our town. She hates "everyone" she is so frustrated and couldn't get up. It's finally starting to hit her. She just found out that he has a daughter and he didn't see d13 of talk to her all weekend (and pretty much the past few weeks) bc he was there.

I know- let it go. Just processing d13's stuff right now. I will be strong for her. And s17 both.

M, I agree with the others, 100%. Who could possibly let go with it all in your face like that? You have a ridiculous set of circumstances to deal with. No one person would be able to just blow this off. Based on your kids, IMO, it's time to take the reigns and do what any mama bear would do to protect her young. Starting by taking care of you.

I agree with Heather. Even a few days away would help you catch your breath. The anxiety has to be fierce. Either you go away to take care of yourself on your own terms, or you end up in a hospital somewhere because your body cannot physically handle this stress any longer, and you are FORCED to take a break with no advance planning or notice....then what happens to the kids? How scary and insecure would that feel? Just something to think about.

H is a mess. He crazy. Period. And he's right in front of you waving the nonsense under the selfish guise of being there for his kids, which you and I both know isn't the case. He's confused. He doesn't know what he wants. Yet, he has access to it all. He doesn't have to make a choice. He doesn't have to feel enough pain to feel a loss. He's got everything dangling around him. Cut that off, M. Just do it.

The kids are angry. They have so much to process and deal with because of him. That can't be easy. And there is nothing anyone can do to change what has already happened.

So what can you control?

Believe it or not, this is a huge opportunity to show your kids how much they matter. Even tho one parent has dropped the ball and let them down, YOU don't have to.

Show them what love looks like.

Imagine what life could be, for example, taking them away from this being right under their nose. Not ideal, I know. Especially with the kitchen under construction, etc. If you moved....started fresh....it shows them they are worth every ounce of money and effort to be taken care of. To get them out of a bad situation.

They must feel so hurt and worthless. The damage is really no different than abuse. They would likely look back and remember this time as "Mom did whatever it took to get us all away from the toxicity. She loves us that much to give everything up that was familiar". The initial sacrifices are scary. The rewards, however, can be lifesaving. I know, because I did it.

It involves letting go of what you planned. The house, the family, the future.... It is NOT fun. It is NOT easy. It is worth it. Look at Heather. No way she could be thriving and strong and looking ahead if Smokey was next door. She struggled, sure. I doubt she regrets being far away.

You teach your kids through this, what love IS. It's sacrificing for the greater good. It's opening up your AWESOME IMAGINATION and putting it to good use.

The kids are in pain. I know you are in pain. It won't stop until and unless you take control, make the tough decisions, and change what you can.

You can't change xh and ow. You can't make them move. You can't make him leave her and want to be with you and the kids.

Get away, heal, and live your beautiful life. Who knows what may happen years from now. Staying where you are will change nothing, though. And it will only hurt you and the kids.

My .02, as unpopular as it may be. It truly comes from love, and experience.

((((hugs, my beautiful friend)))))

I wish I could. I really do. I have been considering, but there is no way I could leave my job & support my kids now. I can't sell my house bc banks won't give loans with I completed too the depth mine is. But I have been considering making it happen this summer. It is a definite possibility.

It is tough, Mighty. Again, the circumstances you have....truly difficult.

Not impossible.

Every problem has a solution. Just have to figure out the options.

Start by making a plan. Some ideas?

The kitchen: do what it takes to get it complete. CHANGE the original plan. Since you wouldn't be there anymore, let go of what you wanted, save money, and just get it done to sell. Let someone in the business make the decisions, so it's not as personal. Again...this is obviously not what you wanted. But few things are the way you wanted in all this. You WILL have another kitchen of your dreams. The next one could be even BETTER. Who even knows??? Anything is possible.

Maybe you don't have to go all the way across the country to feel some relief. Maybe you could keep you current job if you had to. Open your mind and research other jobs just for reference. You just never know.

The thing is, Mights, stuff has a way of landing in front of us when we need it. Be open to seeing it. It's there.

It doesn't have to be all planned out today. (That's my awesome habit of getting too far ahead of myself, and wanting to process it faster than it takes....) Baby steps will get you there.

Here's the bonus....once you start making decisions, gaining momentum, even if the plans change 8,000 times.... you are going to FEEL stronger. You will FEEL in control. You'll stand taller. You'll take no chit. You own this life, M. I see what you're made of.

Mighty,

What's ONE thing you could do TODAY to help yourself detach and reclaim some serenity?

ONE thing.

Can you drive into the driveway ONE TIME without looking over at BIL's?

Can you avoid looking out the window for one hour at the cars passing?

Where is ONE place you could go for 2 days to give yourself a break. Sounds like D13 is one smart cookie. She is taking care of herself. Her mama needs to follow her lead :-)