Mighty I agree this is all sooo F up. But please don't let his mess ruin you. Fake it to you make it pretend like crazy that its been years and you have really moved on. GAL. Be strong for you and your kids. TrY to not give him one sec of your thoughts.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Can they go so far back into the tunnel that they are starting over in replay? His actions are like he is starting over again. Right now I see a little boy. Don't know if it has anything to do with the baby or not, but it is weird. His actions are just like last year, so it seems like he is starting over.
OK, deep breath. It is easier to let go when I see how screwed up he is. But also I just need to hear him say he wants to be with her or something. Just bc I know. I don't know.
Mighty - from everything you've written, your H WILL see HWW for who she is. It's just a matter of time. Everything is 'rose-colored' at the moment because of the baby. But believe me, this chick will never change. Her real self will come back out, and to me, it sounds like he's smart enough to figure out who she is once she lets her guard down. Once this picture of her becomes clear, he'll wonder WTH he's been doing with her. His thinking is just SO clouded at the moment. Just no way to force him out of where he is right now. He'll figure it out for himself. In the meantime, stay strong. There is nothing wrong with you. Hugs, prayers your way.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Thanks, Live. You know, I have been really questioning this. Like, am I in denial? Will they really be happy? What I see is clear to me.. and seemed clear to him. But, can a baby really change that? Or am I clouded? Maybe he was just saying those things... perhaps like he was saying that to her about me before.
Ick, ick, ick. I realized that I just don't want them to think they have a real family based on destroying mine. Is that horrible? I see her for who she is... he is so twisted up about her now. Because of the baby, I guess.
Will they really be happy?
Let it go. I actually do feel better. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I feel like I have SOME answers... or half an answer. And, really, the most "closure" I have ever gotten.
Dang, he looks beat down. My mom commented on how awful he looks too.
He said he is staying there bc he wants to and does not like it at bil. Which is why I had to cut him off from here a little, bc I didn't want to be used. But... it's almost like it backfired bc now he is jumping in there big time. BUT, I know that that is NOT the way to jump back in- for comfort and convenience.
OK, so really, back to the start. Can they really be happy? Will he see her differently bc of the baby. That stings... does take away from me... bc... baby mommma stuff... but my kids are too old to count?
I wondered something similar. Just a few weeks after BD, I just could not function with H in the same house so I asked him to leave. Sometimes I regretted it because this freed him up to date OW - he ran right to her, and never moved back. But, I remember how awful it was for me to try and pretend I wasn't dying inside. I had to have him AWAY from here so that I could survive. Well. Hm. We've come a long way, baby!! You can do this Mighty.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
I think, Live, that it shows it's not about us or the ow. Bc if it were, they would have made a choice without us choosing for them in that respect. It they KNEW that's what they wanted, they'd have been there in the first place, for us not to ask them to leave?
Maybe. At least, it helps thinking of it that way.
Oh, and he has been procrastinating with taxes... well...more like preoccupied....
So I told him to get to it so I know what I have left for the kitchen. He said OK. I asked if he is going to do the electrical still (would save me thousands) and he said, "I don't know what I'm doing."
He can't even make a decision on that. I mean, like, that says a lot. He is really making minute by minute decisions (even admitted that to my mom) and can't commit to anything. No matter what it is.
Man, I actually do feel better. From where I was.. long way to go...
But I am seeing a new counselor... but I can't get in until March. I've already been waiting a few weeks.
Oh, my friend, you are going round and round in circles..you are going to make yourself crazy.
Ok, so, does it sound normal to you...how he's acting, what he looks like? He is in crisis, M. It is so plain to see. He took a peek out of the tunnel..because he was pushed out some from the shock of the baby and then he jumped back in because he felt everything was getting out of control.
But the truth is...that it doesnt matter. The reasons, what he feels about her, who she is, what she does, what it means..it all doesnt matter. Because this crisis has to run its course.. without interruption. It just does.
No amount of you obsessing is going to change it. No words or actions are either.
He is broken, Mighty, and only he could fix him. He is in pain. He hurts and he doesnt know why. He is running every which way to stop the pain. It doesnt give him a free pass on his actions. He still has to own those. But it is an explanation. You dont act like he has, how he is, if you arent reeling.
You can get caught up in it and have it spin you round or you can get the heck off the ride, Mighty.
You want to understand something that is impossible to make sense of because it's his crisis.
You have the power here. You get to choose how you live your life. Choose you, Mighty. Choose you.
