Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Rebound: Round 2

Hi Mighty,
The things that you talk about that you are going to "miss" (like hanging with the grand kids together as a family) are the same ones we all think about. I had so looked forward to some day telling the grand kids stories of our life together, showing them how we had weathered the storms of life and had a love and M that stood through it all. Instead, just when we were so close to getting past the hardest parts of our lives, W had to go insane and find a reason to destroy our M.

These are the things that we will miss. The things that make losing such a long M, the destruction of a family so sad. These are the things that we will morn. But there is nothing we can do about it. That is the hardest part of this. The realization that we have absolutely zero control over what our crazy S's (or Ex S's as the case may be) do, say, think, destroy. We just don't. There are no magic words, no actions that we can take that will make a bit of a difference. The way you have handled all that your ExH has done is nothing short of amazing. You are a strong, caring, loving person who has stood tall through things that would have destroyed most people. You were there not only for a H who didn't deserve you but for your son and daughter as well. Be proud of that. Be proud that you did everything possible to try and save your M and family.

The anger comes from thinking that you can do something to change things. The sad fact is that until your H gets through his "crisis", until he realizes the damage he is causing himself and those around him and cares, there isn't a thing that will change . All you can do now is start to live your life for you and those you love (like your S and D). Learn to trust and love again. Understand that you have value and are light years better than HWW and exH will ever hope to be. Mighty, you have so much to offer anyone lucky enough to have you in their life. It's time for you to realize that your old H is gone and may never return. The world is in need of people like you Mighty. Don't let what your H has done cause the rest of the world miss out on greatness that is Mighty at her healthy best. Don't let them take your sprit and change who YOU are.

You will get through this, Mighty. All you need to do is not let them change who you are inside, where it counts. Give yourself some time to morn what you have lost but then, pick yourself up and be the real you!

Hey, awesome wise words from Matt ^^^
Found a quote: 'Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome.' Hang in there Mighty...

AJ- I'm like the Grinch. And you make my heart grow three sizes! Thank you for that really nice post. Just what I needed to hear.

Karma, Gwen, GB- Thanks for your support. I hope you girls are doing well with your amazing and strong selves. Its really good to hear from you.

Matt- I like how you put that- don't let the rest of the world miss out.... hmmm... never thought of it like that. And, I really have not been myself. In fact, I cant believe how much my appearance has changed. My dad took two pictures of me and s17 Friday night while we were out. He sent them to me last night, and I didn't even recognize myself! It was really freaky. I couldn't believe it bc it looked nothing like me! How TF does that happen?

Live- great quote. I don't know how far I've come... I don't. Sometimes I feel like I am on a treadmill... doing work but getting nowhere. Or, two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward.... one hundred steps back. Stay still. Two steps forward, one step back... and again...

But you are right. I have faced a lot. I've put myself out there, I get stronger every time. I have faced fears, and I have won some battles.

I felt in a way yesterday, that this is a blessing, because I know that I will get a lifetime supply of strength, lessons, tools, and many other things from this journey that I can use for the rest of my life.

I remember the Marlboro quote, "You've come a long way, baby." Ha. What's that have to do with cigarettes anyway? I don't get it.

Oh yeah, I saw my mom yesterday... she said she just got done meeting with xh for an hour and a half. He was like her mother since he was 17 years old and they haven't spoken in over a year. They had a very close r prior to bd. (She asked him to meet). Don't know what came of it, but I haven't heard from xh at all. My mom, like everyone, says, "Let him go." Xh hasn't been home since. Gone all weekend. I am pretty sure I saw his truck orbiting Earth last night.

I can feel my strength regrowing.

Just so the next time you're at a party...

That's actually a Virginia Slims ad slogan. They launched as a women's only brand in the late 60's and they were trying to hook into the women's lib movement. "Find your voice" was also part of their advertising.

Phillip Morris was really good at advertising. And making money.

(I don't live too far from the former tobacco giants. Kind of interesting to see how tobacco played out it's part in our history - not just local but the United States and the world.)

Sorry for the derailment. Thought it would be good for your next cocktail party. I have a mind for retaining BS facts like this and sometimes they leak out

Mighty, I think you said your mom was like a mom to your xh, right?

I think it was nice of your mom to meet with him. I also think it shows a lot more that this isn't about you at all. All the links he's severed show the severity and intensity of what he's doing. I'm in no way saying it's right or that he's going about it in way I would consider acceptable. Doesn't really make it easier to accept, but I think there's really only two ways to accept something - do or don't.

AJ

Aaahhh... right, AJ. Thanks for clarification. Makes more sense. I was thinking of a cowboy riding on a horse for a long time and needed a smoke. A Marlboro! Who wouldn't after a long horse ride?

Your post made me think of the old vending machines with cigarettes. I remember as a kid looking at them at the bowling alley. I specifically remember having a discussion with my friends (I was probably 10 yrs old) about which cigarette each one of us would choose (as we were yanking on the brown knobs which would release your pack of pleasure displayed in the cigarette displayed vending machine). Of course... I chose Camel. Because... duh... it was a camel! Marketing at it's best! Ring in the youngsters!

Now, where is my freaking cocktail? I gotta go find it.

That's exactly the way it works with this pain, M. You're seeing it again. I know you saw it before.... This time feels different, tho, yes?

I wish you could see how amazing you are.

Oh, and I stole your cocktail. It was yummy.

Let go, let go, let go.

It's really hard. He has been gone all weekend. He hasn't done anything with the kids in over a week, except drop them off from a 2 minute car ride.

And the only reason he did something last time was bc I wasn't going to be here and offered it. It was a week before that.

Here we go again. I just know it. This is a terrible feeling to see not only me, but my kids replaced. He is with that baby every possible second (and I'm sure the baby wouldn't notice if he left for awhile) and her son. I mean. This is so much. So intense.

Not sure how to shake this intensity off my chest. I know I need to not think about it. So I am getting it out. Hopefully it will stay out.

I am frustrated bc I can see the manipulation she uses on him. I see it so clearly. I always have. I am aware that it is his choice, and in the end, he is the one acting.

It is just frustrating that the same person who is using this baby to the max to manipulate him and make him feel like he needs to be there is the same person who encouraged him to leave his wife and kids. Where does she have the right.

I have never seen such a narcissist in my life.

The fact that she has never given him a moment to think in over a year makes me crazy. She is so needy. And he is such a coward. I just think about s17's football banquet. It was the first time xh put his phone away and didn't respond to her. The kids and I were so used to seeing him texting and talking away when he was away from her. It drove the kids crazy. The first night he put s17 first (for only a couple of hours) for his senior football banquet, it was all out war when he went home to her.

They had the most heated argument. She took all of his stuff out of his closet and told him to get the f out of HER house.

She made s17's night about her.

She tried using her son- to throw in xh's face- when he was with his kids. Her son as a pawn... even though it's not his kid.

Now, can you imagine what she is doing with this baby.

How can he be with someone who cares nothing about his kids. Who hurts them and justifies the actions?

I know.... let it go. It's just so aggravating.

D13 told me tonight that if he goes back there she is going to say "skrew you" to him and "cut him off again." "Only I'm going to use different words."

This is just so incredibly upsetting. I know this isn't about me. I know it isn't. It's not about my kids either. And it's not about hww... even though she makes EVERYTHING about her. So, it makes everything so convoluted.. on top of the disaster.

She does not even think about her own kids. She took her son away from his dad to be with a married man. (Her x lives a couple hours away). And she was so "excited" for this baby, never even thinking about what she was bringing her into. It didn't phase her once. She only thinks about herself and does not care who she hurts in her path of destruction- including children.

OK, so I got that out. Now, what am I going to do about it? Nothing.

The thing is, xh has been tormented, miserable, unhappy, guilty, stressed, depressed since he has been with hww. I know that is not bc of her... but she adds to it. So why does he continue.

I think it is possible that he is behaving this way right now and hadn't said anything to me bc it's easier for me to get pi$$ed and cut him off vs him talking to me about it. And he won't come around because he is such a coward... on top of... I guess... moving back in there??!!

That's exactly what I think. He wants me to be the one to "end" what he started.

If he does it will be the 6th place he has lived in 14 months.

I also know that he isn't ready to face me- bc he still has so much work to do on himself. So he can't come close to facing the "damage."

I know... lots of bad, unproductive stuff here. I know. My heart hurts so much. So badly. No matter what I am doing. UGH!!!!

He is so friggin mixed up. I wish he could just escape her for awhile- for perspective. For time to process. Digest. Think. Feel. But, I know she won't give him a second. She hasn't.

How can his mind change, so drastically. He said he was so unhappy. She is so selfish. So immature. She only cared about herself. He knows he could never trust her. She does not value family. She always criticized him. She was inconsiderate of our kids- only cared about hers. Told him not to let his kids ruin what they have. She would move on quickly.

Now, he respects her, she's not a wh0re. And apparently... the one for him.

I know she told him she would change. Maybe she's now convinced him she has. But, looking at how my kids are getting the shaft again... doesn't look like anything has changed, except she has the most powerful tool yet.

OK- not going to give her headspace. I'm just so aggravated that this young, immature, selfish human has such control over the father of my children. He needs to grow up. I think he likes the drama. Is that normal?

I seriously just cant believe this. I mean. I feel so out of control of my life. Again. I hate this. I just want to tell him it's so messed up. I want him to see what he is doing. I want him to see her for who she is---- AGAIN.

How can he do this? Why the heck would he go back there? I am so confused. It does not make any sense at all.

He is trying to do it right this time with a new family. That makes me so mad.

What is wrong with him? Crisis-schmisis. He knows better. He does. He knows what he is doing is wrong. It's hurtful. He does not look one ounce happy. Is he happy there? Does he really think she changed? Sure she is a peach now... bc she has what she wants! A new baby, her son, and him!

I can't imagine him running again. No matter how tormented he is there. I don't think he has it in him to do it again to another family.

UGH! This is awful.

I just can't find anything that makes me feel better anymore.

Like, is something majorly wrong with me?

It was one year and 4 months ago since bd. I feel just as terrible as I did then, bc it's setback after setback.

OK, I have let go before, but I just don't know what it is this time. And, I don't know how that will get rid of everything inside.

D13 asked me to watch Grease with her- she's never seen. Plus there is a snow storm coming in. So we will chill tonight by the fire. Happy to be with the kids. Tormented inside. They don't even ask where xh is anymore. They haven't since the baby. (Only d13 did once) It's like one of those things they avoid. You know- don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to.

Well... they deserve each other over there. Honestly, I just feel bad for the kids in that house. They are living with some seriously messed up, untrustworthy, selfish adults.

Aww... crap. Xh just left. He had to come here bc of s17. We had a convo, and he is such a kid. He was really acting like a child. Like sitting all slumped and looked like one. He really looked so pathetic and juvenile.

He pretty much said he is with hww. (No duh). But he's not moving in yet. Doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't know what it is about her. Has feelings for her, but has them for me. Pretty much wants to see if things will work out with her.

Does not want damage with the kids. Denial that it will happen. Talks so highly about her now.

Says he changed his mind since the baby.

He looks so run down and terrible.

I also asked if he thinks he will be happier there bc he was so miserable there all last year. He said yes, he was miserable. And thought for a min then said it was bc of the kids.

He really has good things to say about her now. Barf.

I don't get it. He says he does not know what he wants. I think that's true, but I also feel that right now he wants her. He just cant commit to saying it.

He says he likes staying there.

I don't know. In a way I feel a little better. I feel like at the very least there was a discussion... as messed up as it was. He was running though. When It got to real, he couldn't handle it. At all.

I mean, he just looks so terrible. I really feel like it is such a sick r with her. I really feel like it makes him feel good and bad at the same time and that's why he is in it. He feels badly, so he needs that to make him feel that way, but he feels good, too.

I think I was looking for closure. But he tried doing what he always does.. "I'm going to bil right now.." like he will be back.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES ME CRAZY! It's always open ended with him. He leaves it like he is coming back... gonna finish convo later... something... plan b... But I told him I just cant do that and not to leave it like that.

He is so screwed up tho that I can tell that he doesnt even know how to have a conversation or what to say. I don't think he can actually say the words.

Blah.