Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Devotion to a dream...

First, let me thank all of you. I have been lurking for a week now since my wife of 12 years(together 20) dropped the bomb on me 1/26. Shattered, astounded, angry, hurt, all that. She had threatened before but those were usually in the heat of disagreement. Last week was a roller coaster of emotions, this past weekend was one of the most difficult times in my life. This place and many of your stories and ideas have helped me tremendously. I have been reading the site and posts since about Wed. last week when I searched how to save a marriage. I have ordered the book and can't wait to get my hands on it.

I do not want a divorce and have already put some things I've read here into action, let me say, she has immediately noticed me wearing cologne(I never do and she actually complimented as smelling good the other morning) and I actually went out with some friends(can't tell you the last time I did) last Saturday and had cologne on and I know she noticed it then too as she gave me a look after walking past me before I left the house. I've also tried to distance myself from her and not start conversations unless necessary or seem to needy. I started running again! In response to her I have been calm and cool. I may have made a few mistakes in the day or so immediately after the bomb but nothing too bad. I was emotional, begged/pleaded, and was angry/yelled. A lot has happened since then but she seems set in her decision as never before.

I freely admit I am not perfect, I'm quick to anger/rage, I yell, lose patience and have been generally miserable because of our relationship over this last year or longer. I've had a suspicion she's been cheating on me though I only have circumstantial evidence for the last year or so. She claims to have given up and "checked out" her words but not cheated because she knows how devastating it would be to me. We always agreed that if our relationship ever did end that we would not do that to each other, because we agree that is one of the worst things you can do to someone. There's so much more but this is probably a good start.

I've learned from here that I have to take care of myself right now and I'm trying to be the best I can be.

I've got faith in this fairy tale, devotion to a dream...

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Thanks Cadet, I made it to the board!

Got my book in the mail yesterday. Somehow I scored a signed copy off Amazon? Only 50 or so pages deep since last night. More reading, more detaching, more GAL'ng! I also picked up an anger management book, I suppose it's time to address that side of me too.

Making plans for the weekend to get out with friends. Spend some time with the kids and spend some time on me.

One thing is sticking in my brain that I can't wrap my head around, in talking w/W last week I asked her if she's seen an attorney or anything she says no she thinks we can be amicable, then says maybe in 3-4 weeks. I tell her it's on her time table since it is not me who wants the D but it's confusing since she seems to have decided to end it, why wait? Is this common? Has she left the door open a bit? Or is she waiting to slam it in my face?

The most confusion is at the beginning and end of the crisis.
So yes this is common.
She is lost and searching for the answers.

Read in the book about cheese less tunnels,
and this might make more sense.

Keep yourself protected is my best advice.

Thanks for the reply, Had thought this was a possibility too, and I will seek out that section in the book tonight.

Just found the blog post on cheese less tunnels, good lord that is going to be some work! Though simply, my strategy is usually respond in a mean, forceful, or angry manner cause I am opinionated and want to get my way. An easy 180 for me I suppose in theory. Be the opposite, nice, understanding, empathetic. In practice this is probably the biggest personal challenge I have to face in terms of my own personality.

This is going to be key for me " take a deep breath before you do anything and ask yourself, “What is my goal here?” "

Sounds like something YOU can work on.

Become the person that only a FOOL would leave, to quote 25MLC(a poster here).

You will see that DB will have you creating GOALS.

I think you have one above, make note of it.

Duly noted.

Last night was rough. I think I've got very little shot at saving this M. As much as I'm trying to detach she slung a few arrows at me during what was just polite conversation about her day and our children and I retreated to my room where I would have normally made some mean comment back at her. That hurt and I'm hurt today. Having difficulty maintaining PMA.

work>run>some time with friends>home

I've got to keep going forward. This anger management book is really showing me a number of things about myself. It's painful to see the man I've become, the wreckage I've caused, and the cost is the woman I love and the dissolution of my family.

Got to get this head cleared time to meditate.

Hang in there phunguy. Hoping good things for you.