Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Rebound: Round 2

I think I thought of something. When I was a kid, I had a lot of anger. There were things in my childhood which really pi$$ed me off. I was a fighter. Confrontational. Didn't take krap from anyone. (Maybe a bit of Napoleon syndrome?? At 5'1??)

Anyway- having my son totally chilled me out. I went from my dad's anger to a bit more of my moms patience. But, I was still no pushover. As I got older I chilled more so, gradually.

But, you pretty much always knew where I stood. I was very capable of speaking my mind.

After bd, I let things roll off my back bc I just didn't care that much about "stuff". I didn't have too much of an opinion about things. And if I did, I would state them directly and succinctly. But, truthfully, most things didn't matter so much.

I think now, the anger is resurfacing. The rage. I feel like I may have been trying to goat xh into a heated battle. I think I wanted to hurt him, hit below the belt, scream, and flip-out. I am well aware that this solves nothing, but I am now just realizing this.

I am one pi$$ed chick.

I am starting to feel a bit of a switch- a fire in my belly. Like, to use that energy to drive me to better places. I know, right now xh, and all the time, HWW- they ain't $hit. Ha! (In my most bad @ss voice.)

I've got to use it to drive me to better places. But man, would I love a battle right now. I know better- don't get worried. Whew...

Just something I realized. I think it has brought out some seriously old habits and feelings.

Mighty,
I know just how you feel. I didn't want to do battle, but I sure could envision running him over and then backing up and doing it again and again until I had squashed him like a bug.

Feel that anger, find something physical to do that will help release that anger and then let it go. That anger will help to push you forward.

You are going to be okay....let it all out!

Kick-boxing class? Or learn to bang the drums like I did? Channel that energy somewhere productive.

And why wouldn't you be? I mean, seriously?

What's impressive is that you see it and have plans to use it productively. Not everyone has that self-control.

So.. what are you going to use it for? Become an astronaut? President? How much is there that you can use?

And don't worry - we won't let you stay there as much as we are able.

AJ

P.S. Boxing/Kick-boxing is a s@xy thing in a chick. There was this UFC chick I met after ex...well, that's a story for another time

Thanks job, Ellie, and AJ. I've had a really weird night. I had a lot of fun. D13 couldn't make the HG's bc of her game, so I took my dad and s instead. We had a good time.

The silence from xh is another adjustment. Taking me back to last year when I had to adjust to not speaking to him. Now, the silence it deafening again.

But, I kept thinking tonight how repulsed I am by him. How I think he is disgusting. How I just dont want anything to do with him. It made me sad at the same time. I wondered if I was falling out of love with him. It's a scary though, yet a relief at the same time.

Yet, when I got home, I saw he was at bil's. It was a relief. But, before I knew it, d13 was coming in (he dropped her off) and drove right off to hwws. It's late- after 10PM, so I guess he is heading there for the night. It makes me sick to my stomach. I know- the same thing, over and over and over. And everyone is sick of it- none more than me.

But why does this have to be right in my face? Why am I going through this. How long is this destruction going to continue? I mean seriously. I know that's a loaded question. But what is happening? He's back in the tunnel. Does that mean he is starting this crap all over? I just feel like with this baby and the house and crap- he is gone forever.

I know I need to get over it. I KNOW THIS! But, I mean, I just cannot stand them being this stupid f'ed up wanna be family- right in front of my face. I hate that it devalues my family. That he feels my kids are old to where it just doesn't count anymore. It feels like we have a missing piece. It is so vacant. We were so close. We did everything together. EVERYTHING! I mean, my kids, my husband, and I were together doing stuff and having fun all the time.

Now, everything has fallen apart. And the kids have just gone off independently and we hardly ever get together anymore, just the three of us. It is so evident that there is a missing piece.

And he is starting over with a new family. Before he even got rid of this one, he had one ready-baked.

So- how can I go from one minute feeling disgusted to the next minute like my heart is ripping out of my chest.

I know I have to let go. But something has gotta give. I am calm-ish when I see this stuff in my face, but it rips my insides apart. I just don't know what to do.

Is there like a metaphorical mountain I need to climb and once I get over it, I just won't care anymore?

Maybe a lobotomy?

I don't know. He is with his baby. That tears me up. His baby girl. We can't compete with that. Clearly.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to find happiness. How do I keep getting knocked to these lows? I mean L.O.W.S.

Frig. I am so sick of this. UUUGGGHHH!

I just don't get it.

OK, so he's not my husband anymore. I need to remember that. He's not. Why do I forget that? He's not. I don't even need a discussion this time. What does it matter? Never had one before, so what is the difference now? Who needs closure. Closure is acceptance of what was and what is and what will be. He was my husband. He is not my husband, now. I don't know where I will or what I will be. I will be OK, I suppose. I'd like more than OK, but for now, that will have to do.

OK. So, he's not my husband. He is with her. They have a baby. Maybe they will be happy. Who knows? But, my husband is dead.

This guy is a horrible person. I don't want him. She can have him. Maybe he is being amazing for her. Perhaps this baby has turned him into this loving family guy. But... not with me. So accept it. Don't worry about it. Don't think about it.

Sick of goin' it alone. I feel like I won't ever get anyone. Like I will be alone forever. I'm sad that we won't enjoy watching our kids and someday grandkids together. That makes me VERY sad. To not enjoy my family with the man who I shared and created it with. That he thought this other crew was his family and more important. But, my husband is dead.

I have to say good bye.

Well, yeah. There is a missing piece.

So the question on the table is how will you pick up the pieces and carry on? What does your life look like 2,3,10 years from now? I see a happy woman who wonders why she ever took so long. But more importantly, what do you see?

And why do you think it wouldn't hurt? Why do you feel so impatient with yourself, as if you could flip a switch? That wouldn't be true to you if you could. It wouldn't honor the life you had if you could. Or the person you are.

Take a breath. Realize that some things you can control. Some you cannot. In the latter category, you can't control what your ex does or if he's "in your face" all the time. You can obviously control your dignity and grace when in public.

Step back for a second and see things for what they are. They are what they are.

Now, what are you going to be like? What's your life going to become? Good? Great? ??

You're a person who loves hard, Mighty. Don't ever think that you won't find somebody worth it. That's not true. Many I know would kill for the chance with somebody like you.

Will you be ready when you meet somebody that's worth getting to know? Or will you be tied up with things that are in your face and you can't control (like the weather?)

I know from watching you that you'll be ready. Even if you can't see it yet. The future's bright and you're going to enjoy it. In time, Mighty.

AJ

Mighty the anger is good it will help guide you forward. You don't need or deserve all his confusing crap.

He is only thinking of himself and Doing whatever suits him. I understand the disappointment and the adjustment to not speaking to him. It's hard but in the long run you are better off not having as much contact. He just drags you into his shite pile when you do.

Plan a little holiday or something in the near future that you can look forward to.
Sending big hugs your way

Oh Mighty I am so sorry for your pain. This man is not your H. on e we really and truly accept that then the possibilities for our own future can. E revealed. That stranger who looks like your H is standing in the way.

Try to remember that fact when it gets tough. Try to remember that fact when you are having a hard time envisioning all the wonderful possibilities for a beautiful future.

Eventually this man who looks like your H and sounds like your H will not have so much power in your head. The more this new man shows his character the easier it will be to recognize that he is not the man you married.

Mighty,

I'm so very sorry you are in pain. I have no advice other than focus on you and the kids. You are smart, funny, a wonderful mom and a kick booty person. Hang in there!!!