Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Ganb8te 4 - Putting on my giraffe ears

Yours is certainly the most unique situation I've seen in my time here. I feel that any interest from your husband would be a positive for you. In saying that, it's been a long time with little contact and you are doing a marvelous job of living your life. Have you ever just checked in with him outside of birthdays and holidays to see how he's doing? Not exactly DB but not speaking to each other for 2-3 months at a time isn't really working.

London \o/

I'll catch up properly later just celebrating your GAL plans.

Hi Gan. Well done on the GAL btw! I'm reading your recent posts with interest as your sitch is similar to mine in some aspects. After talking a lot in the early weeks/months after BD and S, I decided to start LRT and not initiate contact. Since Oct, we've only spoken once for about 20 mins. We are in fairly regular text contact - once a week or so. But that was often initiated by me, and I haven't done that lately. D has never been mentioned between us.

He 'reached' out a few times over Xmas - present, card, HNY message. And he initiated the last contact we had, which was about a practical thing. But we had a warm and pleasant convo.

The big difference in my sitch is that H is (was?) having a PA and showed no signs of ending it. But the A was looking pretty rocky, last I heard. She lives abroad and had an on/off R with someone else. When we last spoke, H was going away alone for a weekend to see a psychic and 'think about his life.'

So, I guess I struggle with the same Qs. Is Nc working? Should I just carry on as I am and focus on me? We haven't had a R talk for a while, should I initiate something etc? H is pretty conflict avoidant, and I worry he may not initiate anything.

But, I also think - if H decides he has made a big mistake, he will get in in touch - won't he? So, I guess I don't have much useful to offer....but I'll be interested to see the answers you get!

Thanks, Barrybran, Jim and Toots.



What did you mean by that first sentence, Barrybran? No I have't just checked in - as it's not DB as you say. Also a bit tough to see how to work it. Just calling him out of the blue after all this time would seem weird, no? Feel like I need a reason to call at this point.



I am 2/3 through reading your sitch, Toots, and the similarities did strike me. There may well be an OW in my sitch, but I have no evidence and I am not snooping. If I did know about OW then I would set a boundary and not interact with H - so not knowing makes it challenging in someways as I don't know whether to try to get a bit more interaction going or not.

Hi ganb8te,

I really like your GAL plans.

It's difficult to say what you should do in your situation but in some ways its probably reassuring that there isn't a definitely right answer. I would say though that if something hasnt made much difference then they may be value in trying something else.

I remember a while back we had a conversation about whether your H mirrored rather than withdraw/pursue. It might be worth looking back at some if that to see what was working or not.

There's no rush to do anything right now though, but a simple friendly message could be good.

Other than the boundary, would OW change your feelings on what you do for you?

Most people here have frequent interactions with their spouses so they can assess mood changes, frequency of communication, etc. You don't hear from your husband for 2-3 months at a time. If you heard from him more often you'd have something to work with.

I'm not suggesting that you do contact him but there have been situations where a little pursuit paid dividends. Everyone is different. As the saying goes, do what works.

Hi beautiful babe, I may be way off base but here goes.

I sense you are getting close to being done with waiting around to see what he does next.

So I say contact him, ask to meet up, and ask him what is going on. 100% against db principles. It sounds crazy maybe but I guess you can ask yourself what do you have to lose? Do you think doing that would push him away? Further away? Do you think if he s considering reconnecting with you this would make him reconsider? Are you ready to hear a possible cold truth that he has moved on?

If you are in limbo and want out, ask. Don't involve friends, just be direct. As long as you are cool and not confrontational, it is just honest communication. As long as you don't cry and beg, you are just asking a simple question.


Just an idea, maybe a crazy one. I think that's what I would do if I were you but that's just me.

Hugs!

Gan

DB is about doing that which works. If something does not work for YOU then do something different.

There are guidelines (Sandi 37) and the action that you take is for you, it will be a success if it is for you irrespective of the effect on H or on the R or M. Take action for you, be authentic for you and ignore that it produces an effect in H.

I believe if you take action for any other reason than for yourself then ultimately it will be inauthentic for Gan and likely have a temporary effect.

The only rule could then be there are no rules, do that which works and if not do something else.

If LRT is not working for YOU then DO something different. Your DB pals including Lisa have some great suggestions

V

all of what Lisa and V said.

gan - I admire you because you have much more strength than I have. For periods of long NC and no answers. I couldn't do it. But I don't think what you're doing is currently working.


Do what feels right for you, and not because we, or some book or whatever else tells you so.

Hugs all around.

Interesting responses from everyone. What do you think Gan? From what everyone says, it may be an idea to make contact - but only if you truly want an end to the 'limbo' and are prepared for an answer that you may not want to hear. Are you at that point?

A question from me - and sorry for butting in. If there is an OW in the picture (as in my sitch) would the advice be different? Part of my NC (apart from sanity) has been giving some time for the A to disintegrate...and it was sounding rocky last I heard, with OW not seeming that keen and H issuing ultimatums.

Keep posting Gan, and maybe if you're not sure if/how you want to do this, there will be more ideas...