Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Ganb8te 4 - Putting on my giraffe ears

I saw that, and tried to mentally rewrite what Elsa had said into giraffe language. unfortunately i just ended up saying something about those really high up leaves which i doubt would have helped.

Giraffe language does seem a bit false and difficult, especially compared to the ease of jackal language but i really like the goal and the few times i've managed to get in that territory it feels to me like it helped.


Is there actually a date for the feb meetup or is it a vague, in february?









ever thought of a job with the african tourist board

I understand what you mean about foreign intervention, however as much as i could (and would enjoy) having a discussion about that I feel it may be too much of a tangent even by our recent standards.

Ganb8te - I wanted to thank you again for your thread on the giraffe/jackal. Totally unrelated to marriage and all that mess.

Just came out of a series of work meetings today, and it hit me - my colleagues were treating me more like a leader than ever. Questions, how would you handle this, etc...it's not because I've gotten more opinionated, but I think this non-violent communication stuff is starting to sink in in a lot of ways that tell people I'm paying attention. I was before too, but this is all I can figure is really changing. Everything else around here is the same, it's not like anybody slapped a new title outside my door.

Thankful for you and your perspectives! Inspired by all that compassion and peace radiating out your corner of the world.

I agree it sounds a bit false - found the book a bit hard for that reason but the videos helped. I think the point is to stop and think before you say. If what you are about to say is only going to trigger a defensive reaction in the other person (jackal speak) why say it at all? It serves no purpose but to escalate the conversation in the opposite direction to where you want it to go. Instead, drop it or if there is a genuine need or request attached to what you were going to say then go ahead and ask for it.



No date. Just a vague mention. No expectations.



It's all fair game as far as I'm concerned Jim. Nothing in the forum rules that say we can't talk about diplomatic affairs or the like

Thanks, Zelda, for your kind words. I stopped by your thread the other day and had something typed up in response but didn't hit submit. By the time I came back you had an update. Will head on over soon and check out the latest.

Sometimes I feel that there are so many similarities in our sitches, I can't offer advice as I am too close to the situation and am not confident I am on the right path in terms of R. Can only suggest things that helped calm my mind a bit...

My friend lives same distance from exchange as I do, she gets 200gig bb.
They live opposite direction. Poopy.

I can get nbn, but it's full! I did have satellite. But it was more expensive and slower more effected by weather. If I could get 200gig! Omg life would be sweet.

Ganb8te,

Haven't caught up on your thread but have been browsing. Any plans for meeting with your H? It is February.

Have a strategy?

So, I would like some feedback please. A while ago I toyed with the idea of contacting some mutual friends to get a bit of a feel for where H is at (then I learned that the friend had had a massive surgery so I put if off). Early on they were furious at H for moving out, told me it would be his loss if he screws this up and that they had faith things will work out (though it was unclear if that referred to the M or just me generally). I believe he saw them when he went back to his country last month.

I drafted the email below a couple of weeks ago but haven't sent it yet. I know this violates one of Sandi's rules but I feel like I am at a point where I need something more to keep me going.

I realise if I do send it one or more things could happen:
1. I don't get a response
2. I do get a response but it's not one I want to hear (OW, he wants a divorce)
3. They forward it to him or let him know that I've been asking about him
4. Others?

They are level headed people and I trust that they wouldn't do 3 (but it is a risk). If I do send it and they reply in line with 2 above then I will have to deal with the aftermath. I think I am prepared to face that risk if it means a bit more clarity about what is going on.

Can you please let me know what you think of the email below - in particular how would you feel if a friend sent this to you. I really don't want to put them in an awkward place, but could really use a second opinion on whether I am crazy holding out hope.

... ... ... ...

Dear XXX,

I could really use some friendship and support right now. I don’t want to put you in a difficult position but you are the only friends who know us both and I’m at a point where I could really use an outsiders perspective on this whole situation.

Did you catch up with H when he was in [city]? How did he seem to you? We caught up just before he went back to [his country]. He seemed frustrated by where things are at and left an overall impression that he is still confused about what the future holds and if I am part of that. I’m so close to the situation I can’t really tell if that is a fair assessment. Clearly he doesn’t want to come back to our marriage right now.

XXX, a while ago you said it helped you to know others had faith that things would work out. You were right, I did find peace in those words. I still don’t know how this will pan out but right now I still want our marriage and I’m searching for ways to change what feels like an increasingly hopeless situation. Til now I have been giving H space to figure things out. If you can offer any insights or encouragement it would be appreciated. I understand if you can’t.

This is such an awful situation. I wish it on no one.

Much love,
ganbatte

Oops - Calibri, just saw your post. The above post is the start of my strategic planning for a possible February meet up. I have other things that I want to brainstorm with y'all but I'll come back to that a bit later.

Hi Gan - IMHO, I wouldn't go there. You know it violates one of the rules already, and that it's pursuit. You may be best avoiding it and probing a bit deeper. Why do i need something more to keep me going? ....ie: what do I need to focus on in order that I'm not looking for something more to keep me going?

If you feel you must do something, I would make it a phone call to your friend. Not for the purposes of asking about H, but to catch up with a good friend. During the convo, you could ask - Hey, did H catch up with you when he was over? How's he getting along? And see what that yields....but no more IMO.

We also have a mutual friend who is pro our marriage and has kept in touch with us both. She is well-meaning, has also been pretty unhappy with H and has told me things about what is going on. I'm seeing her in a couple of weeks, and I partly dread it because I know she may have information I may not want to hear. And part of me wants to say 'lets just keep H off the agenda, ok?'

What might your email achieve? You may learn more about where H is at. It may be hopeful and it may be painful. My experience of it so far has been more pain than hope. Is hope useful at this stage? Yes, I think in respect of your life being great going forwards whichever way. In respect of your H in the short term? Maybe not.

I also get a sense of you 'living and hoping' between meet up milestones. We last met in X and we are due to meet in Feb. And now you're doing a temp check and starting to work towards that meet up. What if you let go of that completely, came up with a great GAL plan for Feb, and leave your H to contact you if he's still in the mood to meet up? Did you prompt the last meet up? Might it be a 180?

Maybe you could focus on making your life even better, and not worry about what he may be up to. We all know how these sitches go, and if you're H is having a change of heart, you'll hear from him to be sure.

Hi ganb8te! I haven't chimed in for a while but I have been reading along with the animal stories.

I have to echo what Toots says. I would not go with an email. If anything I would call and let them tell me something or bring it up if they want to. I honestly don't think much good can come out of it.

I know you'd like more information, feedback, hints. But honestly, if you really want to know the truth you should just ask H. And we all know that is a no-no. But at least it is straightforward and honest. But you'd have to decide first if that is what you REALLY want. And if it serves a purpose.

In other words, let's say you find out (whatever way) that he has OW or that he really wants a divorce. Maybe that will help you to move on. Maybe you will feel upset, angry, relieved. But after that you may still have the exact same feelings of confusion, hurt etc that you feel now.

If you are ready to move on and get divorced, you are truly detached, and you just want to know what he is thinking too then I say go for it and ask whomever you want whatever you want. But I think that is not where you are yet.

So in this case I would not ask them for information. And it puts them in an odd place as you said. I would feel very very weird getting an email like that from a friend. I would not want to hurt their feelings if I did know something bad. When I talk to mutual friends of mine/H I never ask them anything. They sometimes offer information but it is never good. More like "he seems like he is really lost, sad, stupid, crazy, different..." etc. Doesn't really help me at all.

I know this waiting is SO HORRID. I am in the same boat. I have no idea what my H is thinking or doing. He doesn't really talk to me lately, I don't hear from him for weeks or months now. And when I do it is just small talk. In a way I want to know what is going on in his head but as Toots says it probably isn't anything good like he wants to reunite. Better to let the sleeping dog lie for now.

Did you have a listen to the This American Life episode that Mozza mentioned on his thread? The couple went 1.5 years before communicating. It kind of makes you realize that this can be quite the long and lonely road.

Sending you nice thoughts and big hugs, Lisa