To be honest Mr. Bond, I hate to say it but I think she used that as an opportunistic excuse. In other words, most other divorced couples probably wouldn't have contacted their former spouse about such a death...she simply wasn't that close to the family. If it was someone more involved in her life I would most definitely do as you say. However in this case, I think I want to maintain total silence. Also its her Mom's sister and her Mom knew about OM for quite awhile and also bought into his lies and promises too so I feel a bit betrayed by her as well. Even she wasn't super close to her sister on top of it all.
Last edited by ItHurts; 09/08/1407:42 PM.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
"I think she used that as an opportunistic excuse."
Doesn't matter. If a friend of yours told you about a death, you would have some kind of response for them. It's just common courtesy. She's not trying to trick you or anything. That's your resentment coming out.
There's nothing wrong with being polite.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yeah I suppose you guys are right. I will just send condolences. Something real short.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Okay I just did it and she immediately replied thank you.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
All I said was sorry to hear that. Condolences to you all. That was it.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Thanks Mr. Bond. Well that must've been all she was looking for from me. Been quiet since. I had a nice birthday today...a bit sad at times since it's my first without WAW in 18 years...but I'd best get used to it, the Holidays are going to be brutal I'm sure. All those years she was right there next to me and I took it for granted...just assumed she'd be there for the rest of my days. You don't know what you got til its gone. Truth. If only WAW felt that way. Thanks for the advice today guys, much appreciated.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
It's really not ok for you to decide how she should feel. It doesn't matter how many times you saw the aunt. A death is a death, and grief is individual as well as communal with family. The three or four times you have belittled her brief comment that her aunt passed away make you seem like a very inconsiderate person. The lesson I hope you can see is that you don't get to say how she feels...how she feels is how SHE feels and you aren't in her head. (Yeah, I got the same from my emotionally abusive husband...what are you crying for you hardly saw your uncle. It wasn't his right to decide how deeply I should feel.)
I hope you can learn that for whatever relationship you have next.
Yes, simply expressing condolences was the socially acceptable thing to do, and I'm glad you did it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Adinva my WAW herself at times would even make fun of this aunt. So please stop insinuating that I am "deciding how she feels." I am basing my remarks on 18 years with WAW and I KNOW how she feels about this aunt. I was not emotionally abusive to my WAW and even she would tell you that. So please stop. I do not remark unless I know what I am talking about. This aunt was not close to my WAW, so for me to say that she isn't losing sleep over it is not a stretch nor is it me belittling anything she feels. I guarantee you WAW is thinking more about her Florida move than the death of her aunt as I write this. So please stop trying to find fault in everything I do and say. I did spend 18 years with this woman so I feel I am very qualified to speak on what she may be feeling now...and I am pretty certain I am right. I'm sorry your husband emotionally abused you but I did not do that to my WAW...and even she would be quick to correct you on that. So saying you got "the same" from your husband insinuates I was emotionally inconsiderate of my WAW...which I wasn't. Fact is this aunt's passing is not something WAW is crying about right now I assure you. You make it sound like she's in such sorrow right now and I am being an evil person by thinking she used it as an opportunistic reason to contact me...WAW has been making excuses to contact me since the day she moved out and we know its because she wants to secure me as Plan B. Really, you make me out to be a heartless jerk. I am trying to DB here, nothing more...and I was advised to cut contact with her. That's the only reason I was initially not going to respond...because in know WAW isn't going to be all broken up over this death anymore than any of us dislikes hearing of another human death.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
