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RD,

We are all in love with you. A guy that is wild enough to ride a bike, crazy enough to toy with London police, a chef that cooks really good meals, a father that is dealing with his teenagers and the female issues, the one that make sure windows are clean. Wow... lost my breath for a second... if at least my H was half ot the man you are I certainly wouldn't be so strong now.

And I think V is having second thoughts about which Irish fits better. One is a cute face on screen but the other one has got it all. Congrats RD!

I don't know about my H well. His actions are all that he is very done with me and is moving on to a R with this woman. My marriage never had any kind of violence, not even bad words or big screaming. We had our fights but it never last more then minutes. We would argue for something and then just keep talking about something else.

As I wrote before, I had many health issues with my kids, one after the other and they last more then a year all together. Serious issues with my S20. I was extremely involved in my kids life and I think the passion with my H just died.

I finally got to the conclusion that I won't blame myself anymore. My H could easily join me and worry about the kids, but he decide to be very selfish and found someone to have fun and give him attention that he was not getting home.

I think he is not mixed up anymore. I think he is really sure of what he wants and is doing and the path for our D is very clear for me now. Since wednesday last week, we did not hear from him. He stop calling me, and he does not call or text the kids, not even today with the super bowl.

It's ashamed such behavior. He is so infatuated with OW that his family is dead for him.

About your wife. Maybe you need to review the DB book and maybe try to trace some plan of action. I get really torn by what she is doing. It seems that she does not love this OM, but in the same time, she does not leave this situation.

I agree with V that there need to be some kind of boundary, even if it start small, like limits for your bedroom. Then with time it can go to another level.

It's nice that you can talk and laugh about some jokes. You are being her friend and there is even a success story about a guy that did this. He was his W's best friend during the A, he mention that it was very hard at times but he stayed firm and decided to be present and patient. When her A ended, he was there and now they have a very healthy and strong R.

Maybe that is the road to take, if that is what you think is best for yourself and your family.

I also wrote about the boundaries because your kids being in Limbo, it is hard for us adults but it is also very dramatic for the kids, mainly the teenagers that are already dealing with their own stress. I hope that they will be fine since they have you as such strong anchor for them.

Oh RD, if at least there was a magic wand that would make your W snap out of her dreams. Is she going to counseling? What do you think it trigger this behavior? Where did she find this OM? Does he has a family? Do you know if he was married before or have kids on his own? Do you know if there is any dependency involved, like drugs, medication?

I know it's best if you take care after yourself and you kids and move forward and detach. But I also know how hard it is to detach from someone that is daily into your life. An in your case it is even worse, because she cries and says how hard is her life.

Maybe if there are some answers for some questions, maybe there would be some understanding and you could place yourself in a better position in this game.

Does your W knows you went on a date? If yes, did she mention anything to you or asked you anything about it?

I know it is very hard right now and I can only feel you pain. Please, try to look into somethings that you can do that will make you enjoy life a little more, not kids stuff, but something for RD. Maybe you can work on some 180s and wife could take care after the kids while you are doing some stuff. Maybe she gets curious because she will see you are looking at life without her.

What do you thing?
I admire you RD, you are an awesome man and deserve better.

XOXO,
Pink

Thanks so much Pink, I think any father would do what I am doing.
My kids are my life and all I've ever wanted was for them to be happy. It's very tough seeing them so upset now and it seems to be getting harder for them.

Re OM, she met him when she started volunteering at an animal shelter. He has a serious drink problem and is bi-polar. He was abused as a child by his father and was married before. He has tried to commit suicide twice in the last two years over his ex wife and is not someone who W would normally have dealings with.

Re her behaviour, she started going through the menopause about two years ago and I had a kidney transplant that was very traumatic for us all. Also when she started volunteering she was mixing with alot of younger people which seemed to appeal to her.

Re the L/C, W has said a couple of times that she wanted to go but never does.

Pink, it is hard for me because I loved her and to see what she is doing to the kids is very hard. When she is crying on the phone and telling me that her new life is sh1t, it's so hard not to try to help. I am learning to cope but I don't think my children are dealing with the sitch very well.

Thanks for your kind words, they mean alot. I wish my W had half of what you ladies are prepared to give for your M.

Take care Rd

RD

You know that you are our very favourite Irish cutie on the board!

Pink is correct, all us GALs have a soft spot for the Eire accent.

If W doing this disappearing act on a Saturday afternoon is causing havoc with you and those fantastic Ds of yours then time to call a halt to W casual visit on Saturdays.

RD really! Please put a stop to W coming and going as she pleases. Her behaviour on Saturdays is awful. Probably immediately after work OM is sober by Saturday night an alcoholic will be out of order. That is why she is so interested in driving OM home from work, it bypasses the bars. This OM is a functioning alcoholic, he works and has to be a little bit sober during work. Let W see the truth, let her be alone on Saturdays. Finally makes sense to me that you are down over the weekend.

RD say NO W NOT SATURDAY.

That would be a boundary.RD boundaries please.

V

Thanks Vanillia. I was born in Ireland but grew up in South London so I sound like an East ender !!!!!

I take on board your comments and I will consider options.

I got a call from W today ( 3 actually ) but first one she started crying and saying she was very unhappy because I was going to D13 parent teacher meeting and she didn't want me to tell D13s teachers she had left. She went on to say that she did not leave home to find happiness but to get peace from our arguments over her friendship with OM , before I could say anything she said that she knew the problem was of heroes making. She then told me she could see not solution to how she felt and when she was driving home last night she thought how if she crashed her car and died it would solve her problems. No told her if that's how she felt she needs to speak to a professional. She answered that she was going to see the doctor because of her weight loss and tiredness ,etc. W had part of a thyroid removed a few years ago and W thinks it might be playing up.

D13 got top marks at school , she is an A student but teachers have noticed a slight drop in grades so I had a chat a she is going to put in more effort.

Thanks for posting Vanillia. Take care. Rd

And....sorry to be a crass American, but most of us can't tell a whole lot of difference. It's all sexy. (In my defense, I can distinguish between Southern accents. I'll be most of you didn't even realize there was such a thing.)

RD,

You mention your wife's sister before. I would talk to her in private and tell her what your W told you on this suicide infusion. To tell the truth it's very hard to take it as she is playing victim or if she is so lost she can do some crazy.

It will be hard for you to get involved, you don't know what is exactly the involvement she has with this OM, and you want to cover your end and not be blamed for any unfortunate accident.

I think that family can get involved and try to help her at least to see a doctor and a IC, for her own good. There is also a possibility of you playing your cards now, you can say to her that if she is so psychological unbalanced that you will be forced to ask her to put some distance with the kids, so do not hurt them further.

You can find a polite way to put it to her as looking for the best interest of the children, that is also her best interest. You can choose the words to say that if she gets help then she will be welcome to visit her children but until then she will need to limit contact.

I know she will feel like in a corner, so since you know her, you will need to find a way to approach the subject in a way that she will see you care and that's why you will be doing this.

By other hand, if she faces to go to an IC then maybe she will slowly realize that she is destroying her life over some foolish OM with his alcoholic demons. There is nothing wrong to be an alcoholic and get help and get better and all that. But it seems that this guy is not in a hurry to get better.

As you write here on this board, we are seeing the signs on your kids. It's been long, and for teenagers it feels even longer, they are being dragged into this nightmare, the pain, the mom that abandoned them. Kids are not stupid, they know what she is doing. They can't resolve anything, they can just hurt and eventually they will start acting up on this.

I know you are doing your best do hold your family in a peaceful environment, but you can do just as much as one end of the spectrum. Please, talk to your IC and seek advice in what is better for your teenagers. It's a very difficult age and you don't want to damage them to the point you will need to deal with other kind of problems.

I also know we all get involved in doing the DBing process, but there is also a part of it that is to seek what is better for yourself and your family. Sometimes we need to go through some harsh realities, even if we do not want to, but we need to protect the ones that can't on their own yet, the ones we love the most.

I would like you to stop for a minute and do a analyze all what is going on. All the pros and cons of your W's behavior and how it is affecting your kids and even you.

Time to step up RD, there will be no man or woman that is more important then the ones you need to take care off.

I will always be here to talk to you. I have made my decision, I will take good care after my children no matter what. My H is important and I love him with all my heart, but he decided to follow a different path and I can't control what bull he is doing right now.

Be well RD, you and your kids are in my prayers. I love you and wish all the best for you.

XOXO,
Pink

Hi Rppfl. If you ever see Jason strath am that's how I sound ( ( not look , sound)

Lol. !!!

Pink. Thank you so much for the kind words.

I look at the pros and cons all the time. It's seems obvious that W is struggling with her decisions but she also does not want to return to a R with me

I do understand as I was far from perfect and took her for granted I was a good provider but lacked as a husband I believe that she tried to make the M work but I missed the signs and she reached her point of no return. I have no doubt that she cares for me and maybe in time she could learn to love me again

My changes have been dramatic and complete 180"s and I think it just made W more upset that I showed that I was capable to change so quickly.

Recently W has been showing a lot of signs that she regrets her decision but at this stage even if she wanted to come home it would be very difficult for her to rreturn as so much has gone on

Again thanks so much for the kind words. There is another thread on here about bout PM"s could be dangerous as we are all so vulnerable and I think the policy is correct because you along with others as so kind I could easily fall for loads of you. LOL.

Take care. Rd

But only one at a time, correct, RD?

Hi Rppfl. You keep bringing up our chemistry !!!!! Lol. I feel it too but don't tell the others. !!!!!!!!

That'll be me bringing that up! I had no official word from mods but I think we've come to the conclusion it is like it is to keep us all safe from inappropriate contact and scamming while we're vulnerable. On the whole "A Good Thing".

Given the number of times I've driven you all mad in your own threads I bet you're glad of it