The only relevant thing I can tell you at this point is that sitches easily last a year or two. Your focus on every single day is keeping you from seeing the big picture. Your W has checked out of the M and whether or not this OM is in the picture, the main problem is her love and attraction for you. That's why you need to work on yourself. It will benefit you, regardless of the outcome. You need to learn patience and accept that things will get worse before they get better. You're just at the very beginning.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Ya. I live from day to day, circle around and still get hung up on little things. Maybe my therapy can help me to work on that.
The dinner with W and grandma/dad was pleasant actually. I was the best person I could've been, listened more than I talked, was very confident and positive. But it did NOT help to detach. W was just playing along, and we actually had sort of real conversations again...but don't know how much of it was 'real' or maybe just 'habit'. I also saw how good of an anker her family is for her. Once she decides to tell them, if she does, I don't even know how she will do that. It's gonna be very very awful. It was a little bit awkward on the way home but I just shut up mostly and it was ok. But then she's texting wildly at every single traffic light which made me kinda curious if OM started to text her again and I got mad. I still can't get that out of my head. Self control is another very important DB attribute!!! (And I need more of it)^^
Yes Mozza, very good and simple point: the love is gone. And as long as it is, there won't be any sort of R. I can't force these feelings to come back to her, but I can silently fight for it. I understand it's going to be a long long fight. Sometimes I just ask myself where am I going to get the patience from? I just have to see the big picture and stop focusing on every detail, that's a big mistake I do right now.
Taking on real DBing is a true act of love and non-selfishness in your life. And it might all be for a different reason we started with, because we might still end up alone or with a whole different person one day. And sometimes we ask ourselves if we really want to do this..if we have the energy.
But in the end it's also an act of love for ourselves!
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
I got another question that is bugging me that I disnt talk to my DB coach about:
(When) Is it actually ok to let the spouse know that you actually know way more than they think you do? In my case that means she only knows that I read her and OM text casual flirting. But she doesn't know that I know her whole exit strategy ultimately is to be together with him.
DB coach advice: what's the benefit? What does this do? I'm actually not sure how to answer this.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Thanks! Sry I slide away from focusing on myself, but this forum is kind of the place where I can let my mind wander a bit. It's the catalyst so I get it out of my head and then I cN focus better on the real life...
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
DB coaching session was very upbeat and positive with Denise. She gave me good advice on how to deal with certain situations. I'll for sure share my knowledge here. A lot of advice is based on "memorizing/writing down what works...and then DO what works", pulling back when it doesn't. and she noticed that some of the things I did already ARE working. And we talked about how detaching feels like. You become the "observer"...that's wheh you know you are detached. Of course it's an up and down but it's the principle.
Right after I went to my new therapist. Didn't take long until I found out she's not a MC. She's a therapist specialized in depression. She was very nice and I like her. But yeah, I have a major depression sounds like. And not since yesterday. She recommended I should take anti depressants...for the phase I'm in right now. Focus of the therapy will be me, and me only. She can give me a little bit advice on R questions but that's not her expertise and she encouraged me to continue DBing parallel and have my DB coach while she'll be working with me on my depression. I'll give it a shot and trust her. As long as it feels "right" and it's helping me to become the old live loving complex again it's not going to do any harm.
Of course the new developments circle in my head. But even Denise had positive comments about what's happening but encouraged me to focus on myself only and whatever I do I should give a thought "what's the benefit from this"? It's a good technique to dig deeper before you act or interact with your WAW.
Tonight I'm invited for dinner at W's grandma, with W. Denise said she's def tending towards me taking the invitation. Stay cool, interact with the family and stay neutral towards my W. Or I could ask my W how she feels about me coming because I don't want to make her uncomfortable because I respect that it is her family.
Good day.
Hi Complex, I'm only partially caught up with the most recent developments in your sitch but it's good you're using a DB coach (I just started with Denise too!). Hope you find it helpful.
It's also good you are seeing a therapist. Sorry I'm a little behind things here, you were hoping to see an MC but got an individual counsellor? That's still good though I think, going along with DB principles you need to focus on yourself right now, and making the changes you need to make to you. Do you think you will go for the anti depressants?
As for going to dinner at her grandma's, I don't think you should worry too much about W's feelings - that's just focusing on her and not you, right? Let her own her own feelings. Did W's grandma invite you? If so, you have every right to be there IMO. Good luck and let us know how it goes, if you go.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Sorry, somehow missed your more recent posts! Glad to hear the dinner went okay.
Originally Posted By: Complex
I got another question that is bugging me that I disnt talk to my DB coach about:
(When) Is it actually ok to let the spouse know that you actually know way more than they think you do? In my case that means she only knows that I read her and OM text casual flirting. But she doesn't know that I know her whole exit strategy ultimately is to be together with him.
DB coach advice: what's the benefit? What does this do? I'm actually not sure how to answer this.
As for this, I'm still a newbie myself, but I think if you can't answer what the benefit is, or whether it will get your further towards your goal - then don't do it. Maybe if at some point you do discover the benefit (although I don't see how it would benefit) then you can tell her at that point.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I got another question that is bugging me that I disnt talk to my DB coach about:
(When) Is it actually ok to let the spouse know that you actually know way more than they think you do? In my case that means she only knows that I read her and OM text casual flirting. But she doesn't know that I know her whole exit strategy ultimately is to be together with him.
DB coach advice: what's the benefit? What does this do? I'm actually not sure how to answer this.
Pardon the pun, but this is a "complex" topic. On the one hand, if you are gaining valuable intel from her NOT knowing that you know, I wouldn't be in a hurry to confront her, or else she'll drive it all underground and you'll lose your source of intel.
On the other hand, if you DO confront her, she now KNOWS THAT YOU KNOW, and with that comes great responsibility to act in a strong, resolved manner, lest she lose respect for you. I happen to nearly always be in favor of confronting with a clear "I will NOT live in an open marriage" and a "I know all about you and _______, and it needs to stop, this is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family," but once you do that it forever changes the dynamic of what you do from that point forward.
If you do confront, I would do it when she lies to your face, by cutting her off, putting your hand up and looking her in the eye and saying "Please stop it -- we BOTH know you're lying to me right now. I know all about you and ______, and what you've been planning, and while I can't control you I certainly am not going to stand here and listen to you lie right to my face."
It's a tough call. But unless I was continuing to gain valuable, NEW intel by her NOT knowing that I knew, I would generally want to confront her and at least stop the lying, as it will EAT at your self-esteem over time.
Starsky. Thanks for your opinion. I'm actually not gaining new Intel since I stopped snooping. My W is smart and she isn't directly lying to me, she's just not talking about things and of course never told me that she actually was planning on making OM commit to her and make him her new boyfriend. But it seems like OM didn't want that, either for personal reasons or because she is still officially married. So now she said "I don't want to tell parents yet, I'm not ready". Whatever that may mean. I can only assume things, which doesn't help me right now.
I could gather more information if I get the chance, but that would crush the trust she is building in me right now. The extra information I have is wearing on me a lot tho and I should rather focus on myself. But the change of dynamics I think would hurt right now. I KNOW it's still an EA, although I know she would want more, and I worked hard on DBing and gained some respect back and I'm absolutely not sure if a confrontation would help or destroy that respect.
Last edited by Complex; 01/29/1505:24 PM.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
Thanks susana. It's probably the smart choice to wait with a 50/50 decision until it gets a little clearer. In general what I do in this case is pray. Usually I get an answer like that although I'm not even very religious. It helps me to focus on love, non selfish love...not only for my W, but for myself. That in balance usually provides me with an answer.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
