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daring,
I don't know how you are doing everything and trying to be patient w/a man child. Your S17 is most likely more mature than your h is right now. You can't do everything and if they are in his name, he needs to take care of the stuff that is running up fees. Yeah, he's working too, but he's not putting in the hours, trying to look after an ill mother, cleaning up mother's home and yes, taking care of children. All he has is himself...so what's his issue? He doesn't want to be bothered w/responsibility.

Daring, you are doing everything you can to take care of things. Make a list of the things he needs to do and sit him down and go over it and give him a deadline. It may or may not work, but at least you would have tried.

As for the car issue, I think it's a great idea for your S17 to use it. You wouldn't have had your mother taking your child to and from places in it if it weren't safe. As for your h voicing his opinion about it...guess what! He doesn't live under your roof any longer and his opinion has been noted, but the bottom line...it's your decision as to what is done about the car.

That conversation was a stressor for you and I do hope you'll feel better soon. As for being frustrated and angry, he'll get over it. You spoke your mind and no, I wouldn't apologize. He needs to sense your anger for a change and realize that you mean business.

Please take care of yourself.

UR and Job- thank you for the support and validation. He has always been avoidant with finance stuff ( cue IRS mess) and right now I don't have time for that chit!

So the fixer/pleaser in me did end up texting him that I apologize for coming across so angry ( seriously I think I was on fire like Hades in Hercules)! But- I also told him I have a lot on my plate right now and it's frustrating to have to chase him down and remind him about stuff. He responded apologizing for contributing to my stress and " hopes we can continue to solve issues in positive ways". I don't recall them being contentious before- I was actually more patient and understanding than I should of been and a lot of the time just took care of stuff. Must be that rewriting history BS.

Funny you mentioned the list Job- I actually did that but didn't give him a timeline. I like that idea- will add it about the toll stuff. ( and here's the kicker- he travels 2-3 days a week but works from home the other days. It's that he's not making time which is what irks the crud out of me).

He is so a man child and worse now than before!

S17 thought he was being ridiculous about the car. I told S I was still fine with him having it but if he felt that it generated too much drama between his dad and him I will look for an alternative. S still wants the car
And I have to say- I was giggling a little inside seeing how frustrated he got when he realized he really has no say in that matter. Tough dookie! Must deal with the consequences of your decisions H!!

daring ... yeah I think you did just fine. I often scratch my head all caveman style when on one had they want to do their own thing but then get irate when they no longer control what we are doing with our money/lives etc. I have to bite my tongue often and not shout at W "Yanno if you did not go bat$hit crazy none of this would be an issue" .... alas .. it only makes things worse, took me months to learn that and even longer to do it consistently ... but yeah sometimes it seems you have to dig in and tell them the way it is.

I'm having a pretty good day today. I know they'll come and go but it's nice to feel this way!
Texted H about meeting to discuss the taxes this weekend. Said he thought we would file separately. I really think he's trying to hide something- likd maybe the money he got from his company is more than he's telling me and he knows he'll look like a total a$$ if I find out. Especially since I've been paying everything for kids since our separation Oct 2013 until this month.
I reminded him it's a community property state and we will still have to share all the info and then each claims half. He texted we should let the accountants handle it. I texted him point blank that I think he's trying to withhold info and I don't want to have to legally force him to give it but I will if I have to. He texted back that's not what he meant- he just doesn't want to mess it up and wants accountant to handle. I let him know we could discuss later.
It's not just I want to know- I have to be sure we both comply with all filing requirements or my payment plan with the IRS could be null and void.

My IC said today I've looked the best she's ever seen me- like I have some glow back in my face. I've been seeing her since a year before BD when H was in replay and our marriage was falling apart. I was feeling a mess and very hard on myself then. It's nice to see how far I've come. Journey's not over but I have climbed some major mountains. It's nice to feel like I have some of my power back!

Daring


I am not sure if he can legally. You may need to check that.

You can always file Married Filing Separately. It's rarely a good idea tax-wise, but if there is a high-earner and a low-earner, the high-earner would get hurt and the low-earner might get an advantage by doing so.

If he files separately, you need to work out who will claim which kids for deductions too.

Thanks Eric and KML-
I looked into it and we can file married but separately, however, TX assigns us each half of the total income if we do it that way.
I'm concerned as I know he took out a distribution of money from his former company for him to live on when he was unemployed and I'm quite sure he didn't pay taxes on it. I have no idea how much that distribution was and I'm going to need to find out to make sure I'm prepared tax wise. Also I make substantially more than him, and know I took out adequate taxes for my income but have no idea what he did. We have agreed I will claim the kids going forward as I pay the majority of their expenses.
I'm just feeling very uneasy about the whole thing- my gut tells me he's hiding something.

daring


I would say listen to your gut.

Do you guys have attnys or are you trying to mediate this with an mediator or by yourselves?

I am not familiar with the divorce laws in TX; however, if they are anything like CT, any tax liability would be the responsibility of each of you.

That said, if in TX they assign each of you half of the total income, does that benefit you or him or do you think it is a wash?

Until you have legal papers in place the federal government considers you married. I would be very uneasy about filing separately under any circumstances. You could tell him that you would be willing to do that if he signs an affidavit stating it is his desire to file separately. It might not hold up during an audit but it would certainly help.

Your gut has every reason to hesitate considering past history. actions speak louder than words. Hang in there.

Eric- we have lawyers but to both minimize cost and nastiness we are trying to talk through most of it ourselves. That said- since he sent me first round papers completely different than what we talked about, I have not hesitated to open up a can of whoop a$$ and call him out and push back. I haven't used the subpeona records or financial docs etc but I've told him I will if I'm not comfortable with any info or docs he gives me. He might also be worried about how he'll look with former EA if he's lying since she ran the books for the company.
As far as taxes- we would both be liable. I'm not sure if it will help or hurt, I feel like without knowing how much he received and if he paid taxes on it, I can't accurately guess.
If he fudges anything in taxes, even after we D, my IRS payback plan ( due to his irresponsibility I might add) would go away and they would garnish my wages. Then again I do have a lawyer that helped us negotiate the initial payback and I would not hesitate to file an " innocent spouse" claim if he's not doing what he's supposed to. It's just costly for me to do it.

123Gwen- yes I'm stuck being at risk from his crap. It's not just an audit but as I noted above its way worse.
I will do what I need to do to protect my IRS deal and my ability to take care of the kids. I don't care anymore if I pi$$ him off, but strangely the more I call him out the more he puts his tail between his legs and tries to make things right. I never thought I'd say this but I will happy when D is done so his financial BS won't be as risky for me. Still never say never about getting back together- but he's got nothin' I want right now and a lot of baggage to unpack!