How would he find out about it? I would just go ahead and go, don't tell WAH about it. But also know that the other mom has a right to invite him, and he has a right to attend at that point. Even if he just finds out about it in passing, I think it would not work out for you to somehow try to fight his attendance. Just accept it as a possibility but don't go out of your way to notify him of it.
I see the problem with the group, though. It's not like you can just pick a new group of friends so easily. You have D7 most of the time, and that is where her friends are. But are there any efforts you could make to meet new, unrelated adult friends? What about your friends you felt like deserted you a few months ago? What's your R with them been like lately?
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I agree with card. Don't offer the info. If he finds out on his own and decides to come then so be it.
I understand the natural draw to help him when it comes to your D. It is hard to break a habit that you probably had during your M. It doesn't really help though because it prevents H from having to suffer the consequences of his choices. He is a big boy and if he has to go back and forth ten times because he forgot something that's what he has to do. He will also appreciate more what you did do in the home and with D. when he actually has to fend for himself.
There is a difference between being pleasant and being a doormat, I know because I have been there. Being too "nice". Be a friend to yourself first. You are teaching D what a strong woman is.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
WAH texts with the dads of the group so he'd likely find out about the event through them. That's how he finds out about all the other stuff.
In this case, it seems most of the other dads have opted not to attend so its likely WAH won't attend.
Card, yes, I am working on making other friends for me and for D7. Luckily her involvement in karate four times a week means that I hang out a lot at the dojo so we are building some relationships there and have had a few playdates.
The friends whom I felt abandoned me are semi-MIA but check in on occasion. I never realized how many fair weather friends I have. I'm at a different place now and I'm learning to rely more on myself for support. It's still sad though.
I will not make an effort to make WAH part of our plans this weekend. If he asks to hang out so he can see D7 because he misses her so much, I'm just going to say that it doesn't really work into our plans. It's not my intention to keep him from her, I just want to be away from him.
I am worried that will backfire somehow and he'll accuse me of not allowing him to see her or something equally ridiculous. He can get nasty when he doesn't get what he wants.
On a happier note, I'm hitting the hair salon today for a brighter / fresher look. It has been sunny and spring-like here and it has made me crave happier days. As we all know, it all starts with the hair.
I am worried that will backfire somehow and he'll accuse me of not allowing him to see her or something equally ridiculous. He can get nasty when he doesn't get what he wants.
I think you should be prepared for and look forward to something like that - it would be a perfect opportunity to practice your new skill of owning YOUR sh** and letting him own his. You are definitely not obligated to constantly hang out with a WAH anytime he feels like it. Think of it down the road...let's say 4 years from now, you're remarried. Would WAH be allowed to invite himself into everyone one of your family plans? Of course not! So why should he have that right now, just because you're not in a committed R? If he was committed to your M, it would be a different story, but he chose to leave, he's choosing to stay away, so he is choosing to potentially miss out on lots of moments with his D7. That's the reality of HIS decision.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
I'm feeling upbeat and positive. Not necessarily about my sitch, because nothing has changed, that is, except my outlook.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually slowly getting over WAH. I mean, all this reliance on myself emotionally and physically has empowered me obviously. I'm starting to see that if we got back together it'd just be gravy to my life ... so long as I can keep from being enmeshed excessively again. I don't know.
I never want to go back to the person I used to be. I've changed a lot. I'm much more positive, less reactive, lighter, more patient, more fun-loving, more present and less scatter-brained and lost. I'm not done, obviously, but I like me. I like the direction I'm going, the things I'm discovering, the permission I give myself to make mistakes but still holding myself accountable to be the best me I can.
Talked to WAH on the phone last night about an appointment he took D7 to. He was worried and concerned and we talked about it. I was very level-headed, calm and grounded. I did not belittle, emasculate or talk over him. I listened, validated, encouraged and supported. I also kept it short and sweet. He said "you're right" TWICE. I don't think I've heard that from him in 10 years. Not that it matters, I don't care if I'm right but it is a sure sign of him allowing himself to be vulnerable because it is a fact that he is NEVER wrong.
It's not about right or wrong, at least not to me but he sees a lot of our situation that way. I see that as a bigger issue... an inability to feel safe enough to be ok with being wrong or telling the other person he/she is right without it taking a piece of your soul away.
HE said it and I didn't hear his soul crumble to the ground and break into a million pieces.
S, Im smiling over here. You sound really good. We should never start working on ourselves...always a work in progress. But you sure are walking in the right direction for you. Im so glad.
Not being able to be wrong..his issue. I lived with one of those a long time. It's really sad, I think.
I'm resisting my urge to see physical progress and just be. Be where I am, like it, enjoy it and let the good feelings blossom. I'm looking forward to a GREAT weekend with D. Seeing a movie, dining out with friends, a birthday party, karate, chemistry experiments, a beach visit... Lots of good stuff.
I'm feeling a little left out of WAH's trips to see comedians or concerts without me. It hurts and makes me wonder who he's taking because I know he's not going alone. I'm not going there. Doesn't get me anywhere. Blah.
We got our appointment for D7's testing... March 17th. Whew, feels like a long way away but that's what it is... Just really interested in the process and finding out how best to help her educationally and behaviorally. We'll see.
I got D6 a set of chemistry experiments for Christmas. That might have been a tactical error on my part :-). Now I am constantly being begged to blow up balloons with baking soda and vinegar - boil eggs for air pressure experiments etc. Chemistry experiments are.....messy.
Oh man. A little challenge... But I'm in the middle of handling it well. Lol. Like that?
If D is with me, H calls to chat with her before bed. When she is with him, I call. She is with me more and has lately said she feels like she doesn't get to see daddy much.
On weekends he has her, I stop by karate on Saturdays just to give a quick hug to her. He has started to do the same and did today. Whatevs.
He called tonight at 7:30 and he chatted with D until 8:15. I'll admit, I felt jealous. I'm lucky if I get a semi focused conversation for 8 minutes with her when I call. I know she misses him. He promised to call tomorrow morning, too.
At first I was mad at him. For not being aware that he's holding up her bedtime, for punching holes in my time with her. I wanted to stomp my foot and say, "but it's MY weekend and YOU DID THIS SEPARATION THING so get used to not seeing your kid all the time like I have to!!!!"
Luckily, I said no such childish thing. In fact, I said nothing.
I tucked D into bed and told her I know she really missed daddy. I also said that I'd love to chat with her like that on the phone . She just said, "ok!"
Huh.
And, as I sit with my jealousy I find myself feeling compassion for WAH. Yes, I want him to live his choices but I do know what it feels like to not be with D all the time. It hurts. My heart aches when she's not around. I imagine he feels the same way. I want tonight's long conversation to have made him feel good.
Not good about being a WAH of course but good in general.
I'm letting it sit for a bit longer and I know my jealousy will dissipate. I'm secure in knowing D loves me, that her talking to him forever isn't about me.
I definitely notice my urge to control. To control the length of their conversation. To control him punching holes in MY WEEKEND. To control his neediness for D to make him feel secure that he's doing right by her. To just control.
I don't even feel ashamed at admitting all my controlling urges because I'm now AWARE of them and what they mean. How I control to protect my heart.
H isn't trying to take her from me. He just likes chatting with her and she loves chatting with him.
That's a great thing, even if it gives me twinges of jealousy.
And I don't need to punish him to feel better. I am secure in my relationship with D. Yes, mine is more taken for granted by her because she's with me more and I handle more of the day-to-day stuff... It's ok.
It's ok.
I'm ok. It's not about me.
On a completely separate note, I'd love your opinion on something:
D has been tardy to school 6 times since school started. None of those are because of me. Is that something you'd bring up to WAH? I know that at least two of those times were because he wanted to let her sleep in. Um, that's not ok, it's a school day.
