SRD...I sense that my W thinks the same thing. She does not want to divorce and wants our M to work. But, she probably is struggling with her own feelings. It is her struggle that causes me pain. Hence why I need to just let her go.
Trust me, I don't want a D. But I also don't the R that I have now nor the pain that I am feeling.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Update on the last two weeks...I have been traveling a ton for my job so I have not been home that much. I also decided to go back to martial arts two times per week. I have great friends there and really enjoy the camaraderie. My focus on work, yoga, cross fit, martial arts and my kids has been very helpful in the GAL/detachment area.
Things with my W show slow improvement. I am 99.99% sure she is done with the A. Yet, we definitely back tracked from where we were in November...lots of sex, intimacy,etc. in November but things slowed down considerably in Dec/Jan. We talked about it and my W said she is waiting for her feelings to come back. I validated what she had to say and also offered up some advice from everything that I have read and heard on this forum...specifically, actions need to proceed the emotions. This is one case where logic (I want my M to work) precedes emotion (I love my H). I explained to her that by doing loving things, love will build over time. But it will not be an easy fix.
My W said that she is trying and realizes that I may not be here if and when she feels that love for me again. She tells me again and again that I am a great person and a great catch. She compliments me a good amount, will tell me that I am sexy, etc. but just seems to struggle with that last piece...real intimacy.
Ironically, we had a great weekend this past weekend. Probably the best weekend since before the BD. We did not spend a lot of time together as a couple, but we did a lot as a family. I did some of my own stuff, my W did the same, but we appeared to have the same connection that we had before the BD (without the sex).
I realizes that my best course of action is to continue to focus more on me and to put NO pressure on her. I feel better and better that I will be 100% OK if this M does not work out. But, I really feel for my kids. They do not deserve this.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
I have a question for the broader group, especially those who know something about piecing. I believe that my W and I are in piecing but it is "piecing light." In many ways, my W is communicating with four of the five LLs...lots of acts of service, buys me the occasional gift, we spend quality time together, and she uses words of affirmation. What is missing is physical touch. We do a lot of what a very happily married couple does except we stopped ML and intimate kissing a few weeks ago. Since Jan 1st, we have ML twice.
As noted above, we don't ML b/c my W "does not feel that way right now" (her words).
What are my next steps...I have been backing off a bit and am trying to not push pressure on her. I GAL a good amount (work, yoga, cross fit and martial arts). Should i detach more? Do I need to date other people for her to notice that she will lose me? Or should I just be patient? We only "got back together" in mid November, so it is has been a little less than three months.
Finally, I am 99.99% sure she is done with the A. She has not provided transparency to me, but she has shown a lot of improvement in that area. If she were in an A, she would be in NYC a lot more than she is. And she would act more like she did this past summer. My "spidey" senses have been pretty good and they tell me she is not in an A of any form.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Finally, I am 99.99% sure she is done with the A. She has not provided transparency to me, but she has shown a lot of improvement in that area. If she were in an A, she would be in NYC a lot more than she is. And she would act more like she did this past summer. My "spidey" senses have been pretty good and they tell me she is not in an A of any form.
I'm not saying she is or she isn't, Sho, but any man who's already been through what you've been through with your wife's infidelity, that relies not on a solid agreed-to transparency plan but rather on his "Spidey sense" is a damned fool.
The past week has been very eventful. My W and I had some breakthroughs. First, she found my DR book and read it from cover to cover. She really liked it and said the advice is very straightforward and not too "preachy". The book convinced her that she wants to work on our M and does not want to pursue a D. She knows a D will destroy our family.
Second, she seemed to open her heart to "feeling" for me again. We ML multiple times in the past several days. She is saying and doing loving things for me. She has taken to heart a lot of what we discussed and knows that she needs to take action before the feelings will come back.
What worked (according to my W) to get back and focused on us? I backed off. I gave her space. I took the pressure off. I GALed. I became the man that she fell in love with...strong, confident and funny.
DBing is not intuitive. The natural reaction is to be clingy and act needy and jealous. But these actions and traits repulsed my W. Only when I GALed and became the strong and confident Shodan that she married did her feelings start to come back.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
