First GAl, not to much, went on a 'date' saturday night and met a very attractive, clever and charming lady. Did nothing for me and she has asked to meet again but I don't think its for me. Not sure if its just this lady or (as advised) not ready to be with someone else. I have been walking a bit and myself and kids have started on Back to the future films.
Secondly, my mood in general. I have been a bit more upbeat of late and seeing that I have been taking to much of the blame re my M. I think 50-60% would be about right and I was taking almost 100%. I think at first you rush to 'correct ' your faults ( and rightly so) in a hope that the WAS will see the change but as time passes and you become the preson you want(and should have been) you realise your own self worth. I was not a great husband but neither was I a terrible one. I had faults and still do but I also have many good qualites that should be admired and respected by a spouse. I apprectiate that the WAS might have tried to work on the M and I did not notice and thats one thing that I truly regret but also can't change.
thirdly. Set backs !!!!!! i went to a relaxation class last wednesday and it did not go well. It showed me that while I thought I was dealing with W and her OM, I am not. I simply was putting it behind a wall and not allowing myself to accept it and the implications it has for my M. W is gone from family home for almost 4 months now and remains with OM. I try not to mind read but facts are facts. Our M is finished and I must move on. I find it very difficult to accept but facts are facts.
lastly, W. While I have continued to treat W as a neighbour and vaildate her feelings she appears to be getting more and more upset. In recent calls she has told me that she is more unhappy now than she was at home. She no longer likes her new, she hates the drive to her new flat and she is very unhappy with her work at the moment. On the latest call she seemed vey upset and while crying down the phine told me that she finds it hard to face the kids "after what she has done to them". She feels that she is not in their lives anymore and that they have no respect for her as a mother. She has talked about seeing L/C again but has made no arrangments.
I was with L/C today and she was concerned that I was looking beyond the M and that I was letting thought take control. L/C is still of the belief that OM is nothing more than a good friend and W wants back to M, but a new improved M. Good session but not sure that I have what it takes to deal with my thoughts and that this will end any chance of a M regardless of what W decides.
Thanks to all who post or read and I will be looking at all your posts today.
Hi RD - Oh well, at least you went on the date. As you say, maybe you just weren't ready for that. And sometimes, whilst someone is nice, there just isn't that spark.
Sorry to hear about the relaxation class - that's a shame. Did you have a chat about how you felt with your LC? It's good that you are seeing her and she knows your W too. There has been some interesting stuff on the boards recently (Mozza's sitch) about engaging with brutal reality, whilst maintaining faith in an eventual positive outcome. I think it was called the Stockdale principle. You mentioning 'walling things up' and finding it hard to accept what is happening, just made me think of it. It might be interesting for you to read.
Your W does sound as though she is struggling with everything. Whatever the status of things with this chap, it doesn't sound as though she is finding happiness. Is she suggesting any ways forward at all RD? I know at one time, she hoped you might leave and she would rejoin the family. Is that still the case?
Sounds like you are doing pretty well all in all RD - and enjoying some family time....tho it would be good to see another GAL activity in there if the relaxation class is off your list.
Sending good wishes to you across the Irish Channel....Toots x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Toots. Thanks for the post. Re the W. No suggestions on moving forward and she does seem to be very unhappy. I am catching up on everybody's sitch and thanks again. Take care. Rd
First GAl, not to much, went on a 'date' saturday night and met a very attractive, clever and charming lady. Did nothing for me and she has asked to meet again but I don't think its for me. Not sure if its just this lady or (as advised) not ready to be with someone else.
the reason does not matter RD
I have been walking a bit and myself and kids have started on Back to the future films.
Secondly, my mood in general. I have been a bit more upbeat of late and seeing that I have been taking to much of the blame re my M. I think 50-60% would be about right and I was taking almost 100%. I think at first you rush to 'correct ' your faults ( and rightly so) in a hope that the WAS will see the change but as time passes and you become the preson you want(and should have been) you realise your own self worth. I was not a great husband but neither was I a terrible one. I had faults and still do but I also have many good qualites that should be admired and respected by a spouse.
it is about time you gave yourself a break on this one. So V is cheering in the background. Think football hooligan and rattle. Come on RD. The fact of the kidney transplant had not escaped my notice either with all of those drug related issues.
I apprectiate that the WAS might have tried to work on the M and I did not notice and thats one thing that I truly regret but also can't change.
thirdly. Set backs !!!!!! i went to a relaxation class last wednesday and it did not go well. It showed me that while I thought I was dealing with W and her OM, I am not. I simply was putting it behind a wall and not allowing myself to accept it and the implications it has for my M.
Seems to me the relaxation class was doing exactly what it was supposed to do. It released you. I would be doing more of this if I were you RD. Standing queuing to get in. V says more, more, more....
W is gone from family home for almost 4 months now and remains with OM. I try not to mind read but facts are facts. Our M is finished and I must move on. I find it very difficult to accept but facts are facts.
One to Tango RD.
lastly, W. While I have continued to treat W as a neighbour and vaildate her feelings she appears to be getting more and more upset. In recent calls she has told me that she is more unhappy now than she was at home. She no longer likes her new, she hates the drive to her new flat and she is very unhappy with her work at the moment. On the latest call she seemed vey upset and while crying down the phone told me that she finds it hard to face the kids "after what she has done to them". She feels that she is not in their lives anymore and that they have no respect for her as a mother. She has talked about seeing L/C again but has made no arrangements.
This could be very good. RD WAW is evaluating her choice, reality is biting. Let it, please let W work through this. Keep yourself strong and move forward. RD is becoming a man only a fool would leave. Now may be the time to pull back RD, it may be a sign W is rethinking her choices. Even if temporarily and OM is no charmer or catch for sure. W broke up her marriage and left her family for what? W may need to know there is a road home when she is ready to R without the A.
I was with L/C today and she was concerned that I was looking beyond the M and that I was letting thought take control. L/C is still of the belief that OM is nothing more than a good friend and W wants back to M, but a new improved M. Good session but not sure that I have what it takes to deal with my thoughts and that this will end any chance of a M regardless of what W decides.
I agree with LC on the basic premise but OM is an alcoholic and likely impotent and in love with the bottle not W, that means this is an unrequited EA. No good friend would encourage a mother to leave her H and her kids and then knowing that she is miserable to stay away. A good friend would discuss review and certainly suggest IC.
Thanks to all who post or read and I will be looking at all your posts today.
Take care RD
Lovely RD how are your beautiful D10 and D13 coping?
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Hi vanilla. My Ds are ok. D10 is a bit down this week and D13 seems ok but I try not to ask them too much about sitch because it only upsets her. We are ok as our new family unit but it's hard for me a W is around a lot but I suppose if it keeps kids happy that's what I have to accept for now.
W is a very sad lady at the moment but she is the type of person to accept her fate. There has been a lot of contact this week
She called after work last nite and as she was leaving I gave her a hug. It's the first hug since Xmas and I gave it on the advice of l,/c who thinks she is very lost and that the door is closed for ,W to come home. As she left I told her to take care and about an hour later she text me to say she was home safe. We had a bit of texting back and forth over a joke
Standing back and looking at my stich it seems to me that Ws only happiness is OM. The rest of her life is not great. I am detaching slowly but time is a great healer and it passes relentlessly
Thanks vanilla. You are a class act. Take care. Rd
Thanks Jessie. I think your right but my W is a strong character and I think she will suffer on OM is not ideal but I think he suits the life she wants right now
I have to say i think i agree with a lot vanilla's analysis. particularly about the relaxation class. Not sure quite what happened but if your worried about the being in public then there is relaxation/meditation stuff around that you can do at home. surpressing stuff generally isnt good.
you are also making an assumption that OM is making her happy, and even if he is, if everything else isnt then that will raise questions for her.
I hope you've got some good plans for the weekend
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Thanks Jim. Relaxation class let me see that when I relaxed W and her R with OM is alot more on my mind than I let myself believe. Thought runs away with me and I imagine them v happy. I know he must be as my W would normally be out of his league
No real plans this weekend but we will see what happens. Take care mate. Rd
RD, you are supposed to clear your mind, too. Focus on something else during relaxation class. My IC suggested imagining myself in a beautiful dress walking towards some fabulous guy, she was trying to get me to name a movie star. I dont' know that imagery really works for me, but I have other things that do. What can you do?
I dont' know that imagery really works for me, but I have other things that do. What can you do?