Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Retreat

That is heading in the right direction, but be sure to not take all of the blame. He has to be able to change as well. Any way you could paste it somewhere?

You should be able to find it by searching "lasting relationships kindness and generosity". Right now I am not worried about him changing. I truly believe that by changing my behavior, he will adjust his behavior bc I will no longer be making him miserable

Mary,

You are on the right path. The change begins with you, and you have already begun your journey. The retreat will be an eye opening experience for you and your husband. Remember to keep your expectations in check, and validate. You'll be fine.

Edit...the program is designed for you to validate.

Thanks LITB. I am having a hard time keeping my expectations in check. After what I thought was a promising sign yesterday, my H was straight up rude to me last night and this morning. And mentioned several things about the future...a future where we are not together. Feeling a little defeated but trying to remember this is a marathon not a sprint!

Mary,

It's always a wise course of action to manage expectations anywhere and anytime in this life. Expectations are hidden mine fields, so try to remember that they are typically ego-centric anyway.

So dial everything down about 10 decibels. Do twice as much listening as talking, and you might want to brush up on validation techniques that are in Wonka's thread here in Newcomers.

Good luck!

Betsey

Mary,

You are planted on the front seat of the emotional roller coaster. The roller coaster of fear. What do we fear? The unknown.

You don't know what the outcome of your sitch will be. You do know that you can use this as an opportunity to become who you want to become. Many times in life, we change, because something in life motivates us to change. Make the most of it.

Your emotions are being influenced by the positive/negative interactions with your H. You see a glimmer of hope, and your emotions shoot up. You experience something negative, and it causes you to come crashing down. That is why it is important to detach. It goes hand in hand with keeping your expectations in check.

Would it be fair to say that you have an expectation about attending the Marriage Program this weekend? I'll say marriage program, because it isn't a retreat.

Yes, it is fair to say that I am hoping that he will decide he wants to at least try to work on our marriage. I am hoping he will decide to go to the follow up weekends. I also expect he will still want to separate, even though my fantasy is that he will change his mind, I am prepared that he won't change his mind about that part.

Mary,

This is where I have to come play some hard ball with you. I'm Peyton Manning and you're a high school defensive lineman. It's only because I have time and experience that I can stand here and say this to you. I say Peyton because it's obvious that he's successful but also makes mistakes and takes one for the team when it's not his failure alone. I think he's a great example of strength and leadership with humility. Not because I'm a Broncos fan. Or a Colts fan. (Which I am.)

You used the word hoping twice in consecutive sentences. You're going to have to get that completely off the table. Like a coyote circling a defenseless shih tzu, you are inviting disaster. They can read easy prey a mile away. Your hope will be the blood that he can smell, and it will be a real hindrance in turning this ship around for good. My XH smelled hope better than I thought. And he used it against me. It became his #1 reason to be a dick, all under the umbrella of, "Your hope pisses me off, because I'm out of here and you have no right to be smug and hopeful that I won't do this." So don't let it have that power.

Instead, go into this weekend with an open mind. With the expectation that you are going to learn and be able to use what you learn to do greater good across the board. Use it to propel you toward achieving your goals. Your goals have got to be Mary centric, not H centric. Your happiness does not depend on him, Mary. That's an inside job all the way. So make your heart happier and just maybe you'll find out that he's only peeking out of the door instead of running out of it.

Make sense?

Betsey

I think you are right, my hope is inviting disaster. I can feel it, but it is so hard to control. Here's to having an open mind this weekend.

I wouldn't necessarily call it disaster. More of a slowing down the process. Expectations keep you planted on the front seat of the emotional roller coaster. Do a search on livestrong developing detachment.

From my experience of the program, many couples made it, but some didn't. No matter what happens this weekend, and throughout your sitch, you will grow if you put forth the effort.