Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

The truth is she's done, at least for now.

The truth is you're a good person who made some mistakes but is willing to work on being better,

The truth is you love your kids and want to be a good father.

Work on what you have control over. You.

Go back to your values, who you want to be as a man and a father and be that. Giver her space and use the gift of time wisely.

I understand your fears but you can't control her. If she files, she files.

Wow... I guess when you put it that way, she is. Didn't really add it all up together when thinking about the reality right now.

Simple and to the point.

Back to me and my ever continuing work.

Thanks for making it simple and blunt.

Will a WAW test her husband?

I came home from work to find that my W had taken our nieces home from school and they were staying the night. Quite interesting as I had not heard her mention it at all. It wasn't a last minute decision either, they had their bags packed with pajamas etc.

I was happy they were here and we had some fun tonight. The old me would have been upset, but I was excited and embraced the surprise. Maybe I should have said this out loud...

So was she testing me or just figuring that I didn't need to know since she is done with me?

The night went well though. We seem to be in a weird relaxed state that doesn't naturally occur since we are both maximizers. We watched two episodes of Dr Who again, and they were good. She did give me the courtesy of pausing it when I would tend to the kids.

She has been sick and getting worse each of the last two or three days. Stress doesn't help, she even has been having more frequent heart palpitations.

So I have been trying to help out more and take care of her or things when she lets me. I found medicine for her, put kids in tub, cleaned up kitchen, and after kids, etc. This is who I am and I hope it isn't hurting the situation, I don't feel it is.

Nothing much else. I was supposed to have the kids all weekend while the W was in Reno but she mentioned that her parents wanted to watch them overnight a night or two so I may slip out of town with a couple of friends for some boys time.

You're so very focused on her and what she does.

Can you give her space?

I have been giving her physical space, mental space is harder to give. I get to thinking too much about what things mean and what is going on that I over analyse things.

This should be a 180. Stop over-thinking and just enjoy the moments and experiences I have every day, not everything has significant meaning.

I am probably creating expectations when I do this. If I think that she is testing me I then think that I will be graded and expect her to have a different or better opinion about me; because I passed the test.

Ugh, I need some GAL activities to refocus even better.

She will be out of town tonight so that should help.

Just received a text from the W. She wants to talk tomorrow night when she gets back into town.

I don't want to have expectations, but I expect her to line out the end of this and telling me she wants to file. Trying to expect nothing, but planning for the worst. I don't really expect her to want to work on things, but who knows.

When we have talked before she has got upset at times when I ask her questions about her feelings, says I act like a psychiatrist. Need to practice more validating and not asking so many "why" questions.

I have been trying to understand where her feelings are coming from, but I don't want her to feel like I am dissecting her. I need to pay more attention to the message, not the words.

Right now the message is she is done, I don't expect it to change.

I feel some anxiety and anxiousness about it, but not like previous times. In the past I have gone from feeling like I would immediately vomit to feeling excited and hopeful. After being through this a couple of times, it gets easier to digest.

I am happy I have a coaching session tonight!

So I have been doing some reading, and introspection about myself on how I have changed from who I was 10 years ago that was so attractive until now.

Growing up I never was much of a ladies man. I had many women who liked me, but I never felt I was attracting women.

After college things changed. I started to attract women and I never knew why. I wasn't in good shape, 6'1" 220lbs, and was a greaser complete with my own crappy car and truck that I had to work on. But women liked my and I didn't know why. I figured it was because I dropped about 20 pounds and I looked better.

Now I know what it was. I was passionate and believed in myself and had a masculine, strong energy; not some fake bravado or over the top machismo, but I was just confident and believed in myself. I met my W during this time.

I just got a job that I wanted and was promised a future partnership if I got licensed. I was taking night classes and excited by learning. Had girls interested in me. I had never felt so confident in my life and the females took notice.

I have lost a lot of this, my passion for life and confidence that made me not only attractive but also feel good about myself. I was walking tall and exuded this energy and attracted an equally passionate women.

I know the passion in my life started to fade once I reached the goal of getting licensed and had no immediate work goals, my best fiend died in a tragic car accident, which was all about the same time I had my first child.

As a new parent I was scared and unsure about myself. My W was in active labor for 20 hours and almost needed a blood transfusion. I was emotionally exhausting. Tack on a colicy baby that I had to take care of at night when my W taught and who wouldn't eat. A second child whom was more difficult that the first. A job load and job title transition that was physically taxing and ate up loads of time. It all beat a lot of the passion out of me.

I want to regain this passion and confidence I had. I will admit I initially thought of this while thinking about what attracted my W to me, but I want to regain it for me. I am remembering the way I felt at those times and those first 4 to 5 years of our R and I want that me back. I deserve that me back, my kids deserve a father with that passion, and everyone around me deserves that passion.

Now to devise a plan and GAL activities to rebuild this. I am going to get that me back, just need to figure out how.

One of the places that I still has this passion, it has actually grown, is with food. I think I need to make some sausage again and feel that passion and excitement again. I did it last February and it is time to do it again.

I am feeling pretty strong right now, I want to keep this going. I need a mantra, never had one but I think I need one; I'm thinking something like "I am a passionate and confident man." Don't really know how mantras work, but I think this is a start.

Listen when she talks, we learn far more by listening than talking.

That is what I plan to do. My coach last night had a lot to say and was surprised that I feel she will say that she is done.

She told me to listen and validate and keep patient. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to making her feel pressure. I need to settle down and not apply any pressure.

She also has me working on a couple responses to situations or questions that may come up. I will help me say what I want to when or if I become emotionally flooded.

Good advice. I could use it in my sitch too. Settle down, God that is the hardest part right? Keep posting and let us know how it goes and if your wife filed.

Good luck - NAJ