I am new to this but have been reading the forum since new years eve. Ok so that night my wife was going out with her friends just to a party but she was mad and wouldnt tell me why. I was pestering her into telling me and she snaped. She told me it was over she couldnt do this anymore that the abuse was too much and she will never be with me again. She said she wants space and maybe after alot of work on my side we could try to start over.
Well the next couple days after that I was destroyed and doing all the thing you guys say not to do the natural clinging. The last 2 days we have fought and had productive talks. I start counseling tomorrow and i cant wait to get this off my chest and see what they say.
Ok so just to kinda go over what she is talking about with abuse its emotional abuse and I didnt realize I was doing it. I feel like the worst husband in the world. I love her and have already said things I shouldnt have since the S. I contacted her mom and told her im sorry for eveything I put her daughter thru and that I will always be here for my kids no matter if me and W stay together. I guess I will stop here first post wasnt trying to make it long and she called in the middle of me writing this.
So my wife and I have been together for almost 6 years. We have had many fights mostly all of them my fault. I use to watch porn and she considered that cheating and the last time I did it was in early October. She found out and got mad but I think she aways knows that I dont care about porn like I do her. Ok so to the real problem because I have stoped all the porn nonsense.
On new years eve she was going out with her friends and i was asking all kinda of questions and she was getting mad because I quess I do this often. So she snaped and told me its over that I would not be the man in her life any more and that she just cant take the abuse anymore. At first I was like no way she is being real. Well she didnt come back home till the 1st and I was so mad and didnt help anything said things I shouldnt have.....
So we talked alot ( more like yelled at eachother blaming everything on the other person) this was the worst it has ever been. I couldnt stop either I was so filled with fear that I actually lost her. Well the last 2 days we have fought but not nearly as much or as bad but she has been gone almost every day when I get home she leaves. Im in the army and I wirk in a stressful environment im not home as much as I would like to be and normally when I get home im exhausted. This is my problem she said abuse and I just wanted to yell at her but I dont because that is part of what she is saying that is wrong with me.
I will admit to neglecting her WAY too much truthfully she is a trooper to still be here. The abuse is emotional I just try to control everything she says and I will admit to alot of this. I would say I am the cause of 80% of our marriage problems this is why I start counseling tomorrow and I plan on breaking my controling problem but in the mean time she is gone all the time now with these new friends. We have had some good talks in the last few days but still fighting and I feel like im competing with her friends most of the time.
Im just so lost on what to do. I know im supose to live my life and get it right then worry about repairing us but we have 4 kids and are still in the same house.... its hard to not try to talk to her im just so deeplybin love with her and I know now she is doing things I would normally not approve of with other individuals. Its hard not to tell her to get out but I think I have a better chance if she is in the house.
I dont know guys what do you all think about this.
I really have a hard time with the whole detach thing we see eachother everyday and we have to take care of the kids but it is getting easier because she isnt staying home at night or the weekends.
I don't know how she feels or what her plans are and thats the hardest thing right now considering I'm about to reenlist and she is not in the decision making part of it and I feel in the long run she will regret it.
This also is me saying that I think if I keep working on myself she will have to see it eventually and want me back even tho I know it would be a long process I just want my family back and she is part of my family.
Well I have started going to counseling and the first thing they told me is I have to start loving myself again and to forget what she is doing now and to remember that I am an intelligent young man and there are a lot of women out there that would love to be with me.
So I have started to hit the gym pretty hard ive already dropped 15 lbs and I have been making her jealous because the kids have been really happy when I come home because I play with them nonstop and thats something that I had been neglecting and im changeing that.
She is gone for the weekend she has a guy friend that is in her group of friends and I meet him tonight. He seems ok but I just am haveing a real hard time with it right now. Anyways I didnt let it phase me I kept smileing and said goodbye and have a good time.
Ive changed how I listen to her I can repeat back to her ever word she has said to me in the last 5 days. Im being alot like I was when we first meet, and it feels good to have a good outlook on life once again.
I have started to makke plans without her and I see it bugs her because im taking the kids over to a friends house to play with his kids while we watch football. Im also taking them to the park and even taking our dogs to the dog park. I just have to keep busy to change and start to be the busy person I used to be I was happy then and it wasnt just becuase of her.
So I guess im doing the whole indepent thing and the whole im the greatest dad in the world and that is what I want to keep about the things I have changed to this point. Im so happy with the amount of time I get with my kids right now. She doesnt sleep at home anymore but she comes and takes care of the kids during the day. Im ok with that because she sees me playing with the kids and how the kids are happy with me.
This has effected my 2 older boy in their school life. Their teachers said this was their best week ever. They wonder where mom is all the time but I just tell them she loves them and she will be home later. I hate that part I feel she should have to explain to them what she is doing abandoning them so she can go and party her life away.
Im not god so I will let them have their own relationship with her. I miss her and I have a hard time detaching still I feel like I ask too many questions but I want to do something next its our anniversary and I have a feeling she will say no. I asked her if I could plan something for us when we get income tax just me and her. She said as long as its not romantic. I was a little bummed but I have ideas. But this is pursueing and I know I shouldnt be doing this..... its just our anniversary and I want to spend it with the woman I love.
I really done know what to do I feel like the longer I detach the more she just does her own thing. But I have to have faith that one day she will wake up and wonder where her kids are and why she left such an amazing dad and husband. Till then I will be here telling you all what is going on and maybe I will one day be able to help you guys with your marriage problems.
My goals for this is to become a better dad and to be a way more upbeat person and a person everyone would like to be around. Also I would like to start to define myself I have been in the army for so long i was drained and this has given me my edge back im pushing myself harder and it feels great. Im gonna start college classes soon and get closer to getting a degree. Im gonna start spending more time talking to my family and spending time with friends.
Hi corey, you asked on my thread about in house separation and I thought I'd reply on yours
Honestly its really hard. If you were to read my threads (not recommended) you'll see that I really struggled and haven't managed to detach very much at all.
What you need to concentrate on is behaving like the 37 rules even if you don't feel it. I've used these boards as an outlet for my angst which has helped me to deal with it (thanks all)
My basic tips are for how to cope are: - have a plan for the next day - if its not your turn for childcare be out somewhere (better if you've got something social) - have your own space you can retreat to and be comfortable in - find a confidante that you can text when its a bit too much but who isn't going to tell you what to do - get the headspace app (wish I'd had it months ago)
The more you can calm your mind and manage the pressure the easier you'll find it.
The rest is about DB'g and the 37 'rules'
For me my in house separation is about to become complete seperation and if I'm honest I have mixed feelings - I don't want her to go and its a great opportunity to show change, but her being at home while not with me is torture on my emotions
Its hard so good luck.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Good that you are going to counseling. Becoming a better dad is great goal. Is your wife having an affair? Im sorry to ask so bluntly. Post often it really helps
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
