Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

Tonight is our 7th wedding anniversary and thankfully we are at a pretty good spot right now in our relationship. We have both been smiling and laughing and happy around each other.

Friday the W went out with her friends from work. Later that evening around 10:30 she sent me a text seeing if I was still awake. A couple messages back and forth and then she asked if I wanted company. I said it would be great and she came over and stayed the night, second time since the beginning of the year. Not going to lie, it felt great. She made the effort and wanted to be there. We both woke up happy and the kids were beyond the moon happy when they woke up.

Saturday we bummed around the house and then she went out to go shopping with her friends and do some work. We met up later, went to the grocery store and then to her house to make dinner. We had a wonderful night and seem to be connecting at a more natural pace now then we have been before.

Sunday we went to the movies together as a family, then back to my house for the kids and I while the W went to work. Back together again for dinner and some family snuggling on the couch.

Tonight I will be making dinner for us while she has meetings. I am sure I will be spending the evening there again as we will most likely have a late night and some drinks to celebrate our anniversary.

She keeps making comments about needing to get our house listed to sell, and asking me how much time it might take to get it ready, etc. This is her way of saying that she wants me to move in and is feeling good about our place right now.

We have been more vocal about how nice it is to spend time together and about what the future may hold. She has really been talking a lot about what she would like to do in the future and making plans with me or including me in those plans. She has not done this for a while, it shows that she is progressing in how she feels about me too.

One thing is that she wants to get another dog, an issue in the past that has caused conflict with us. So she has been asking me what I think and if it is a good idea, etc. I jokingly said it was her idea and her life. She replied that the dog would be for a family and it effects more than just her.

The pace of being together is a little faster than I had anticipated, but the progress feels natural and unforced. She even seems to be reaching out and enjoying herself more than other times in our attempts to work on us.

I will have to seek help from my DB Coach to see what she thinks about the pace and us addressing relationship issues. Sometimes I feel like I need to bring up things to work on, but then I remember that my Mr. Fix-it mode gets nothing accomplished except pain and back tracking.

I think living your life based on deciphering what she says into what she means is dangerous ground.

There comes a time in this dating stage where you can ask, "What does all this mean?" which can open a discussion about "from this day forward."

Bug,

I never thought of my deciphering changing the way that I am living my life. It does make sense that we need to have a "what does all this mean" conversation

Last night she brought up the house question again and asked how much time she thought it would take to get the house presentable for sale. She told me that I was not allowed to fully move in until there is a for sale sign in the front yard. I laughed and agreed as this was also the time when I felt it would be appropriate to look at our living situation again.

My concern is that you'll move back in because everything is warm and cozy, it's Holiday time, and everyone is feeling loving.

If the problems that brought you here aren't dealt with, they will revisit you, just like the ghosts of Christmas past.

It's worth the extra effort to wait and make sure that that everyone is solid and sure of themselves and what they want. It would be heartbreaking to move too fast and then end up in the same place.

The pace of it also has me feeling a little nervous or cautious about moving in. My plan is that when we hit the goal about getting my house in it's place we will talk about me moving in, not just doing it automatically.

I plan on having a temperature check kind of talk and see how things are different.

Since I backed off the pressure it seems like she is putting in some work and maybe made some progress with the things she needs to deal with. I feel she is looking at me different because of her actions towards me, a big one being asking to come stay the night. She also has been smiling and laughing a whole lot more.

I don't know if it was feeling the same or worse after signing the papers to start the D process, but it seems like she is different in a better more positive way for our M.

Not much new to update, we have just been steady with the emotions and being around each other. It is a very welcome place right now instead of the roller coaster ride I had us on.

gogofo,
I have read all of part 1 and part 2 of your story. I unfortunately got my WAW to see that D was the answer. I did 180's and everything else, but failed somewhere. I moved out before my 60day deadline (after D) and felt proud to do it early (moved out with pride). Find my story and know that you are in a better situation than most. I wish I had some of the ladies that are helping you here, reach out to me. I am lost in my marathon and need to get back on the path.
I am envious of your progress and proud to see that the method does work. Congrats on your progres

In my earlier threads I was also wishing I had more help from the vets. I found I learned just as much or more from reading advice offered to other people; I still am learning from others.

Some of my biggest progress came from getting a DB Coach. That is where the pointed personalized help came that has been really helpful in my situation. I wish I had retained one earlier, but right now it seems it wasn't too late.

Other progress came from doing things wrong, things that the vets had warned me and plenty of others about. I am lucky enough that I did not completely alienate my W, though I did push her as close to the edge of the cliff as you can get without going over.

Hey gogofo... what things did you do that almost alienated your W?

The first issue during our attempted reconciliation was an issue with affection/intimacy versus sex. In a bad exchange on night she felt she was a commodity. She was only good for sex and any and all conversation or cuddling before hand were just what I pay in order to have sex. She felt used and un-valued again. We split up at this point again.

The second was pushing her to try to reconcile. In early October we were in a kind of rocky rough place and she was feeling frustrated by the limbo we were in. She felt we had not made much of any progress since the beginning of May.

I made the assumption she wanted to work harder and faster at rebuilding our M, so I found some fondness exercises and we proceeded with them. The questions made her feel forced to look at our M and when she did this it just brought up tons of bad feelings. It was basically like forcing her to relive all of the crappy parts of our M. This led to her signing papers to proceed with a D.

We have since had a more open and honest discussion about what caused these issues. We are sharing more and have both learned from these last two hurts we caused each other.

The first separation was a combination of many things, but the basics are she felt un-valued and not respected, etc. Not to sum it up in one sentence, but there you go.