Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis MLCer and EA w/ OW

Thanks Wonka.

I already have my own accounts -- we both agreed to no shared accounts when our R became serious because we'd both been burned in previous Rs with shared checking accts. The downside to that is that my income is very low right now... but at least I do have an account that she can't deplete. (pros and cons to everything)

Yes -- I expect the monster to be strong when she gets back from the trip.

I've decided against making a decision on whether I want to take my own trip or not until after she gets back. I want to see what kind of mental state she is in first before I plan a trip leaving the kids here with her. I would love to be able to get away for a bit, but don't want to leave the kids if she seems to be sinking further down into some crazy depression spiral.

I do plan to ask for emergency numbers, but as you said, I don't expect to get any. I suspect she will just tell me to call her cell phone and leave a message that it's an emergency. The old version of my W would give me a spreadsheet with complete itinerary, hotel number, room #, etc. to ensure that I know where she is at all times and how to contact her. But I know I'm dealing with a reckless and rebellious teenager right now.

I also don't think the A is sustainable, but that doesn't mean that when it ends that she will return to me -- she could just as easily go out and find another AP that is more accessible. Trying to be realistic while I also hope and pray for a miracle/wake up call.

:-)

UPDATE: Had a awesome evening at a retirement party for a very good friend of mine. Saw so many of my very good friends that I haven't seen in WAY too long... What a FUN evening. They were all very sad to hear about my situation, but all so VERY supportive as well... Just haven't seen this group much since we had kids and I've missed them so much.

Got home and Monster was in full force... Especially after I mentioned all of the friends I saw and how much fun I had. She could barely even mutter the words "good night" to me when she left our room (after coming in to change into jammies before heading back down to living room and sofa). Not sure if Monster was because I had fun or if there is something else going on that I just don't know about yet.

Whatever.

I had fun and have just spent the past 20 minutes sending follow-up text messages to a few friends to reconnect and to agree to be in touch soon for get togethers. And I do intend to be in touch for those get togethers.

Also was able to do some very good networking at the party -- hoping that it leads to a meeting with one of the head chiefs at the school district very soon so he can at least get to know me and what I have to offer which I am certain will eventually lead to a great job offer.

Keeping fingers crossed -- just found a dream position listed on the district's employment website and submitted application for it... also texted a good friend of mine who knows more about it and she's going to talk to the chief who will be involved in hiring for this position... She has a great strategy to convince him to hire me into the position... and the position is at a higher level than I was hoping to get into upon returning to the district. (Which means higher status level as well as more $$$.)

Getting this position doesn't affect my relationship with my MLCer directly, but it will help me get back on my feet financially regardless of what happens with our R, and will also be a HUGE self-esteem boost since it will bring me back into the district in a very innovative leadership position where I can really use all of my knowledge and skills.

Any prayers or positive thoughts directed my way for this employment issue are greatly appreciated! :-)

Jer,

You will get this dream job!! I believe it and know you will, baby.

Thanks Wonka! :-)

Hope to update very soon with the good news!

No updates yet on the job... but of course, it is only Monday and I submitted the application over the weekend :-)

In other news from the homefront... Yesterday and this morning my W was somewhat nice -- although was texting OW during our youngest D's birthday party (seriously, WTF?!)... But tonight the monster is home. I believe she is in monster mode because I am still "considering all of my options" regarding making other living arrangements while insisting that I be fully employed before I can make a firm decision on any of this. Not making excuses -- it is actually impossible to determine what kind of monthly budget I can afford if I don't really know what my salary will be.

Pretty certain I'll be seeing much more of monster and less of a nicer W until I am finally out of the house. Makes me really sad to think that, but I do believe that is the case with our situation. She did say today that she doesn't think she will be able to communicate better with me (meaning: in a more civili or friendly tone) until I am out of the house. I don't think she will be able to move forward -- further through what I believe is Replay -- until she gets what she thinks she wants: me out of the house. Me being here seems to only be making her more and more angry and bitter towards me. So frustrating.

Having a down day emotionally...

Just need to vent... I really hate monster W and what she is doing to our family.

I know this is a process she needs to go through, and that I am/need to be on my own journey -- but I'm feeling a lot of anger today over how this will tear our family apart.

I'm also amazed at how much lying she is doing to everyone -- including her therapist... I never knew that she was capable of lying so often and so well to everyone -- including her closest family and friends. Definitely not living with the same person I knew and loved so deeply before October. This version of her is astonishingly capable of things I never dreamed she would/could do -- things that go against the moral compass of the person I thought I knew.

I'm really curious if or when all of the lies and deception will blow up in her face... I mean, I wonder if there is a point where all of the lies will become too much for her to bear... I'm not even sure right now if she is aware that she is lying. And these are pretty big lies... I guess I shouldn't worry about it. I know I need to trust that in time she will experience the consequences of her choices and actions, and there is nothing I can do to make that happen sooner than it is supposed to happen.

Need to go off now and scream at photos of her then do some silent meditation/prayer before I have to go pick the kids up from school. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference...

She doesn't even know she is lying. She is just going to do whatever she has to - to clear the way for her to be with the OW. She is not thinking clearly.

What are your w issues with you? Has she told you? You should try to focus on your 180s

Also why do you need to leave the house and not her, she is the one that wants the d?

Has she talked at all about the effect of this possible d on the kids?

Hang in there. This has very little to do with you. And you are quite observant to call her a monster because that is what they become.

I will pray for you job wise and relationship wise.

Kiss your beautiful children and count your blessings

That's what I'm thinking... Just amazing to observe all of the lying... But she's also being very sloppy because it's so easy for me to find out the truth. On one hand I wonder if she wants me to catch her in the lies (she's even talking to OW on the phone now around 9:00 p.m. when I could easily go downstairs and catch her int he act)... But on the other hand I think it's just that she is just not thinking clearly at all and she thinks she's covering her tracks, but isn't doing as good a job as she thinks.




Until October -- nothing more than usual couple issues of occasional communication issues or need to rebalance what we both do in terms of chores/errands. Nothing deal-breaking -- and towards me and everyone around us she seemed very happy in our M. Everyone thought we were the perfect family. Now she says she's been unhappy for years, never really in love with me, and that I've never been able to really meet her needs (all nearly word-for-word from MLC script).

Yes -- I am focusing on my 180 and GAL. Also trying to maintain PMA -- but some days are harder than others.



She owns the majority interest in the house and is offering to buy me out. There is no way I can buy her out of her share... so... I'm the one who has to leave, even if I disagree with that on moral grounds (she wants out, she gave up -- not me)



She believes the kids will be fine. She believes very strongly that they will be better off with us in separate households than growing up in a lie and in a house where the parents don't really love each other. I know what a devastating impact this will have on the kids -- I'm already seeing some impact just from the stress. She can't see any of this right now -- She can't see or hear anything that contradicts what she wants to believe and feel right now. It's so odd... Earlier on I told her I disagreed with her belief on this and that I was sorry that she never/won't consider a third option of working towards rebuilding our R and teaching our kids what commitment means and how to really love someone even during the low points in the R/M. She didn't want to hear that -- just said "I can never fall in love with you again... blah, blah, blah... more MLC script"

I do know that most of this has nothing to do with me...



Thank you! :-)



I do that more than once a day -- trying hard to shower them with love and shield them from the stress I am feeling... Not always successful with shielding them from my stress (especially since W's depression and EA have resulted in me being the primary caregiver every day since late October - which is exhausting), but I am trying very hard to work on this.

Jer, if it helps - I could have almost written the entire post you wrote in response. Many of us could. You are not alone.

Cheers,

AJ