Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers barely holding on - 6

The problem I am having is with me. It all comes to me forcing my hand now and acting on this.

She doesn't want to leave (has only said anything about S or D when she says I will never get over this) Though she said she doesn't want to hurt us any more.

She would leave things just the way they are. She can have it all and I can stand by. Now that I have had enough, it will be my fault. Something that I will have to deal with.

I don't want any of this, but she will continue with what she is doing.

Do I restate my boundaries (seems unnecessary), ultimatum (controlling). It seems I have few options.

Detaching, living as friendly neighbors (room mates) is exactly what she wants.

She isn't even angry with me often, just seems to want to keep OM. (do I ask her if this is what her intention is?)

"The problem I am having is with me. It all comes to me forcing my hand now and acting on this".

I am not sure what this^^^means?.. I think it is very important to not make decisions at this time of confusion and charged up emotions. What helped me was to glue myself together and try to think as clearly as I was able to. Even tho my head was spinning and the fear had me by the cojones.

You have many options. Detaching and GALing are two options. You don't have to make a decision today. My buddy used to say to me on here that "today is not the day to give up, maybe tomorrow, but let's see what tomorrow brings"...

Hello u-turn. I think you know I was in a similar sitch living with my W in an A. I started out friendly and understanding with her and I liked it that way. So did she and we mostly got along, slept in the same bed, and had wonderful talks.

Problem was, all the while she ramped up her lying and R with OM (I didn't know the OM was local or that she was already in a PA). I unknowingly allowed myself to become her babysitter while she went out to her A. The first time, after I confronted her about what I thought was a LDEA, that she went for an overnight, she even came to me looking sorry and said she felt bad leaving for her party and overnight at a girlfriend's house like she wanted my blessing. I said don't worry about it and let her go... trusting her. All this eroded her respect for me and it was horrible and painful when the full truth came out.

So, if you want to save your M, I don't think you can allow "living as friendly neighbors (room mates)" like she wants. You don't restate your boundaries... you act on them. Is there an action you can take? It will have to be your responsibility. If you can do something where now you are leading and she is pursuing you as an H and provider.

In my case I told my W she can't move to our new home with my son and me. I also took my money from her. She'll have to buy her own car, pay for her own place, pay her own bills. Today she came to me for rental car money that I offered. She had to explain the cost which made her screaming angry for which apologized. (My boundary is, you scream at me, you lose my attention.) Later she thanked me for the money.

Also, she can't just call me or text me and expect an immediate or any response. That made her screaming angry today for which she apologized.

I hate doing these things. I'm afraid I'm being harsh. But the fact is, we've lost our Ws in part b/c we had weak boundaries. Your W knows you love her and that you want to please her. She will use this and think it is the most natural thing in the world. You're just a babysitter and a paycheck in her eyes now. Don't be that guy. It may not bring her back... but it will bring you back.

Decide what boundaries you can take and take them. Stop doing things for her. Be brief and businesslike with her. If you're displeased, say so. Don't need her for anything. Make your own bank account and keep all your money there.

That's what I'm doing. Now I'm leading in my life more instead of following my W's plan.

^^^^^^^DITTTOOOO^^^^^^^^

I should also add... with every step I took to take the lead in my life I felt tremendous fear. I remember the first time I resisted my W... I often would drive my W to work. One day soon after BD, she came and asked for a ride. I was fake working and said, "give me 20 minutes" as a test. She looked flabbergasted and got a little upset. Ended up taking the car herself.

Let me tell you... just telling her to wait for 20 minutes sent my heart racing. I felt tremendous guilt. Can you imagine? My W was treating me like sh!t and it was still hard to tell her to wait!

We Hs here are programmed to please our Ws and going against that is hard even now as they're acting terribly towards us. But you have to remember.... they are also programmed to act this way. They see us as weak b/c we have been. We are pleasers and they are programmed to want challenge and drama (positive or negative) from a man. That is attractive.

Frustrate her plans for you and your life. Be attractive by showing self-respect and not caring what she thinks.

It's hard, it hurts, and it's extremely uncomfortable... but in the long run it will serve you.

Rick-It is just a statement of - I already stated my boundaries and she disregarded them. In order for me to be a strong man, I need to do something about it. I know to calm the hell down right now, but usually calm the hell down too much and the problems fester.

It is not comfortable to me to push her out, but....

I think I need to just get through the next 2 weeks.

HP - thanks for this! I was hoping you would comment.
I have been reading your story closely.

We know that our situation is so volatile that we probably need to separate for sanity. She does not want to be monitored and I do not want to spend my time being hurt by her actions. I don't know how it can get better without getting worse (S) first.

She said that "I will be out of your site after the first of the year".

So - it seems like it is her intention to leave.

We had a heated text conv. earlier. and sadly, it was brought on by my lack of detachment.

She came home early and she put on her country love songs that she usually plays after her interactions with om. Total mind reading and lack of detachment, but I asked her if she was intentionally trying to torment me with this music (It was weak and I should have just walked away and STFU). I see the pattern with this music but it was juvenile for me to mention it.

she snapped, walked out and a short time later texted me

w:do you feel better?
w:was it a burning desire for you to say that?
w:so for us to work it out I can't listen to music, I need to wear an ankle bracelet too
me:I don't feel better
w:then why can't you just f******* walk away
me: it was insensitive and controlling for me to say that
w:you know the kids are listening to everything
w:you know you were picking a fight
me:I understand how you would think that
w:you act like I never liked music or sang before OM
me: I know that music has always been a big part of our lives
w:I know I deserve a lot of this but I'm doing my best to keep it together for the kids
w: why is it that you just can't do the same
me: I am trying to
w: I was trying to make things as normal as possible
w: I know it's not fair to you
w: I will be out of your sight after the first of the year
me: I know it's best to keep it normal for the kids. I appreciate that you are trying to do that

Time will tell where this goes.

Hey u-turn. Sorry about your text exchange. I can only tell you what I do... don't respond. Really... that exchange you just had... just don't answer at all. Then she may have called. Don't answer. Let her come to you. Stop answering her.

My W threatened to leave many many times. She would do this whenever I acted up like you just did. She would do this to get me to back down. Every time I would look her in the eye say "I don't want a separation. But I'm not going to stand in your way." Don't look sad. One time I did say "Let me know when you're leaving so I can plan." I looked happy when I said that. I think that was better. Every time she backed down and stayed b/c she had no real plan. I would say something like that every time she talks about leaving.

I would not fight her on her leaving. Call her bluff if it's a bluff. Whatever it is, I would say "Let me know when you're leaving so I can plan." Then start acting like she's leaving. This puts you in charge of your life. You are planning. You are moving ahead. Whatever she does is minor compared to what you're doing. That's your attitude. (I'm answering my own questions here so thank you u-turn.) You tell where this goes... not time and not her.

You may know this... I am not doing Christmas with my W. She wants to do it together and has begged me many times to. My choice not to and I say it calmly to her face. I'm going to have a special Christmas manly morning with my son b/c it's best for me and him. I'll not act happy family with a W who continues to show us such disrespect. My son knows his mom has done us wrong and knows this is my decision. He'll then go with his M and let her play supermom and make up for her mistake buying him a ton of gifts.

Your wife is having an A and wants you to just roll over and deal with it. She doesn't get your support or validation anymore. You were not wrong to show displeasure even if you could have been more direct. She tested you on that with her texting and you're talking about how you appreciate her effort to keep things normal. If you're honest... you see what she did... using the kids... why can't you just fall in line... guilting you.

She is manipulating you and you told her you are trying to keep things normal and appreciate her efforts which is what she wanted to hear. Things are not normal. She made sure of that. Don't play her plan. She has ruined your family holiday and wants you... and only you... to deal with it.

She will wait to hear you say don't go. I would start acting now like she's leaving and then look forward to it.

Jeez - your wife sounds a lot like mine - they feel so entitled to their anger and their needs and affairs. It's all about them, screw the kids, the LBS and self respect.

I really hope we are not married to the same woman. LOL!

Thanks HP - I'm sorry to hear about your latest - You will be great!!!

I have no intention to fight her about leaving, I actually think it will be best. I do not know how to move forward otherwise. I do want to move ahead. I do not want this anymore

and I've used the exact words too - I don't want a separation. But I'm not going to stand in your way. But I do like your other response too.

This time, I think that it will be - it has to be.

She still is acting nice toward me and the kids - still buying presents for the kids, bought me some craft beer (guilty pleasure of mine).

I know it is all manipulation, I told her to stop doing things for me, it is not necessary. It complicates things even more. She knows that I am not accepting this - but it doesn't stop her.

I am going to make it through christmas for the kids. I feel so bad for them - they do not know what's coming.

And every reminder of what christmas is and has been is breaking my heart.

S20 is not coming home - He told S17 that we have abandoned him. What a fricken mess.

Sorry - messy post - don't feel much like editing it as this is how my mind is today.