Job, my jaw dropped when I read his email. Before I started to laugh . . . . Curiously enough I think he is beginning to realise he has royally screwed up. But I no longer feel any need to defend myself.
As you have said, and it bears repeating - we didn't break them and we can't fix them. When I truly let go of that all sorts of other things fell into place.
A wise person also said there are three things you cannot change - the past, the truth and the other person.
Bea, I hope that the crazy missives you've been receiving soon stop. I hope it doesn't spread like the flu! LOL! My little loon has been very quiet for the last 6 months and I'm thankful for that...but like you, they can crop up at any time.
Who knows...the holidays may have brought out the crazies in them. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The things we learn dealing with this! Job, thanks for posting the material on the pursuer distancer relationships. My xh came straight back with an invitation for me to pursue him (in their language) He asked me to go back and re-read my emails - directing me to specific paras written in my emails from August 2013 among others.
He is now saying that any relationship we have in now down to me!!
I replied:(and I am hoping that this will send him away). This 'always wanted a relationship with me' is straight out a magicians's hat. This is a man that has gone months and sometimes years without contacting me or his children, and didn't go to his youngest son's wedding.
Quote:
Do you think it would be helpful for me to revisit what you have said and written at different times during the past few years, even if I were so inclined. It risks becoming a giant game of 'Gotcha' from my perspective, and I don't live like that.
Am I right in thinking, from what you said, that you want and always wanted, some sort of relationship rather than no contact at all. Could you articulate what that might look like, and whether it would be negotiable? . To be clear, by relationship in this context I mean anyone I have in my life, as a friend or acquaintance.
Bea, He's still in the rabbit hole and still isn't making much sense at all. If you don't want him to contact you w/this kind of crazy making stuff, then I would not respond back to him. He craves your attention and by responding, you are feeding that craving. He will never find his way out of the rabbit hole if you continue to respond to him and feed him the kibbles he craves. The only way that I see him ever getting himself together is when he finally realizes that you are gone, no longer reacting to his behavior, comments, etc. That's why he just may come out of the hole and see the light of day for what it is.
I think I understand why you responded back, but he's not of his right mind and he's not going to "get it" as to what you were trying to tell him. Until he actually is rationale, I wouldn't respond to any texts, emails or phone calls unless they are emergencies. Besides, the man has a wife now who can take care of him, his rabbit hole and yes his emergencies. Time to cut him loose!
Bea, He's still in the rabbit hole and still isn't making much sense at all. If you don't want him to contact you w/this kind of crazy making stuff, then I would not respond back to him. He craves your attention and by responding, you are feeding that craving. He will never find his way out of the rabbit hole if you continue to respond to him and feed him the kibbles he craves. The only way that I see him ever getting himself together is when he finally realizes that you are gone, no longer reacting to his behavior, comments, etc. That's why he just may come out of the hole and see the light of day for what it is.
I think I understand why you responded back, but he's not of his right mind and he's not going to "get it" as to what you were trying to tell him. Until he actually is rationale, I wouldn't respond to any texts, emails or phone calls unless they are emergencies. Besides, the man has a wife now who can take care of him, his rabbit hole and yes his emergencies. Time to cut him loose!
Job, thanks for your input. I have no illusions that he is still in the rabbit hole. I was in two minds to ignore him (which has been my more usual strategy unless I reasonably felt that not doing so would prejudice my legal case).
But ignoring him wasn't really working, in that he would continue to email phone etc. I had his email blocked for a long time. And the attention seeking behaviour was becoming more extreme, and costly for me to deal with.
I unblocked my email partly it because in November my BIL died, and I sent my xh condolences (this was his sister's husband, and not his own brother) A dear dear man, and I am also very fond of my nephew, who is close to my kids.
So I sent a brief condolence note, and received no response, but unblocked my email in case he did respond to something that it was normal to make contact for, and also because I now feel in such a good place that I can now deal with craziness.
So I get these strange emails over Christmas - they are crazier but less vitriolic than in the past.
What I have realised in these last exchanges that something has changed - in me. I can deal with this stuff. It doesn't bother me, and in fact following my last email, he has stopped contact.
To his claim of wanting a relationship with me, I asked him what this would like. I didn't react, I responded, appearing to take it seriously. From what I have read on the some of the latest thoughts on dealing with narcissistic behaviour (not sure I am allowed to cite the book) this is now considered a highly effective way to deal with narcissists.
Anyway, thanks for your response, I always appreciate your wisdom, and you may well be right, but I though I would try something new, rather than just walking away, I returned the ball using different strokes and put it in his court.
I can always return to my previous strategy, but it hasn't worked and it hasn't protected me. He has his fix, at no cost to me.
hilarious isn't it?
