Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers barely holding on - 6

U-turn
I am sorry that it did not go the way you had hope. I think it is very confusing for us who are not in the fog to put ourselves in their shoes. Their choices just do not make sense to us. All you can do is take care of yourself and your kids the best you can

Thanks OD, HP, paul, Bilbo for your support.
It has been an interesting two days into this new turn - as I expected it would be.

She heard me - I didn't think she would, but she heard me. She has ignored me for months, but NOW she is responding.

Yesterday she cried - a lot. She showed me anger that quickly turned to sobbing. She asked what we are going to do. She accused me of not doing what is good for the kids. She told me we would probably have to sell the house. I have stayed calm, kept a loving look on my face, listened to her, acknowledged the things that I agreed with. Told her that I absolutely want to do what's best for the kids and myself.

Today, she told me that she knows that I want her to leave, she read me some article about causes of affairs, she tried to put blame on me for the affair, accused me of not being forgiving, accused me of breaking up the family, cried, tried to tell me that she has not talked with OM since, told me we were in no financial position to separate and we would need to figure that out so we could provide two proper homes for the kids. She wanted to wait for 2 months to figure out if she still has a job. She wanted to tell me about how bad it went with OM two weeks ago and how she was wandering the streets of Chicago at 230 in the morning.

I told her that I did not want to hear anything about it. If you were in trouble you could have called me. I still care about you.

I am trying to show my strength - not by tossing her out, but by standing for myself.

She is seeing that I am un-moved by her ranting, that I am not allowing it to move me. I think she sees that I am done (though she still knows how to get to me. She has not mentioned the kids before and now this is all about what's best for them - she knows I will do anything for them.)

I asked her what she wanted me to do, just sit back and watch you? She looked stunned by the fact that I didn't want to do that (any more).

When she put blame on me for the affair, I acknowledged that I was not a perfect husband and I told her I wish I could change it or show her more, but told her that she could not blame me for her affair, it was her decision. She agreed.

I need to make sure that I remember this. She wanted me to hear and accept her (that is what OM has given her - she says). I wish I can work on this - and really hope someday to be able to. As her blame went, that is what was missing (I don't really understand this, but I have to note it for now). This is all great to hear right now when it seems to be too late.

My head is spinning - I am staying strong - I know she is trying everything to make this go away (and I half believe she just wants it all to go away). She is also trying to throw everything at me to manipulate me again. I told her that this cannot just go away.

She left here crying

She has not said that she wants to fix this, but is showing that she does not want her family broken up.

It is very hard to focus on anything but swatting when I've stirred up the hornets nest.

Sorry for the messy post!!
Thanks everyone

U,

Well done!





^^^ Those two comments were spot on and you've done an excellent job of pushing back W on the blame game for her A.



You still can work on this by continuing with your path of self-improvement. The first step rig now is to focus your support of W as a Mom. There are a cole of ways to do this.

1) Work on getting her input more often on the kids
2) Talk to her in a respectful and collaborative tone when discussing the logistics related to the kids
3) Offer to take the kids away for a while to give W some alone time
4) When a problem arises, approach W like a team member and say "W, here is a situation that I would like for us to tackle together. I'd like your thoughts on this, but please hear what I have to say first. (Detail your approach). What do you think? Any ideas?" Or something like this.

Right now, W is going through a withdrawal from XOM. It will be a while before she fully detoxes from him. This means that you're going have to put your needs and desires on the shelf for the time being.

The common bond you have with W is the children and you need to work on getting her to a "feel good" place as a Mom. What I mean by that is not to be nitpicky over small things and support her as the mother. Make sense?

Thank you Wonka!!! (never thought I'd get a smiley face)

I understand that right now maybe that's all we have is a co-parenting role - it's all we've had for a long time. I can be on board with that and am definitely used to shelving my needs. But I am still going on the path of figuring out our S.

Tomorrow will be a trying and telling time if in fact the OM is borderline XOM (which I don't know is true, but have to accept as truth for now). They work together and all will be normal again tomorrow - could be XOM or could be high fives that she survived the holidays with me. Nothing I can do about any of that though.

Thanks again

U... 2x everything Wonka said. I hope it works for you and your W.

Oh... one thing from DB Coach Chuck... stop mentioning OM... even in your posts. Note your last post could have done without the last paragraph.

HP,

As you know, it is not possible to stop posting about the OM/OW altogether. It is the dance of DBIng that we post updates here to gauge progress and elicit feedback from the peanut gallery. Without any report of where things stand with OW/OW, how can we offer assistance and support without knowing all the details of a poster's situation?

Additional comments:


The problem lies when a poster obsessively posts about the OM/OW to the near exclusion about their own progress and GALing. In U's case it was an important update for it impacts his DBing efforts for adjustments needs to be made.

Thank you Wonka for setting me straight. That was a very valuable to hear as I have been an obsessive OM poster and very much want to find the best balance that works in everything I'm doing here.

My bad U... please carry onward.

Thank you wonka and hp.

Just a quick update as this is nothing like I have dealt with yet.

When I got up this morning, W was sitting on the couch, in the dark sobbing. No phone in her hand (which is unusual). Not trying to get a reaction from me (she wouldn't know that I would have gone in there and see her). She is feeling something.

She definitely was looking like I have felt for the last year - and to be honest, it is hard to see her like this. I don't need her to hurt, but if it is a process that she needs to go through I understand. But need to understand more so I don't do anything to hinder it.

I did sit next to her for a minute, but said nothing.

Later ran into her in the kitchen and she grabbed me for a big hug - but we still said nothing.

I left for work.

It's very strange to be feeling that I am ready to move on, realizing that I have gotten nearly nothing from her for a year - and now she is emotional.

maybe she knows that I don't need her - another one of her issues with me was the fact that I put her happiness above my own.

I don't mean to sound negative - but this is very confusing to me.

U,

It is my sense that W is mourning OM and the dashed fantasy. It will be a process for her to completely detox from OM and she will be experiencing withdrawal symptoms soon. Don't try to rescue her from her sadness or make it better for her.

W must experience these emotions alone in order to work through her chit before turning the focus back to you and the M. Treat her like a college roommate who just had a break-up....aloof but friendly. You need to focus on you, your life, and the kids.