Cadet thanks for your advice. The video was of her using a vibrator, she says she made it for me and sent it to me. Then she chatted with old classmate while she was on pain killers. They live 2k miles apart so I'm pretty sure it was an online fling. It still hurts but doesn't make me as crazy as the PAs of the past.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
W sees a psychiatrist once every three months to monitor medications and she is getting IC weekly until we went broke. I don't think she is buying Hydrocodone like she has in the past, instead used prescription from dr when she cracked her nose and maybe got some from older lady friend. It is really hard to tell if she is using pain killers unless she is using and runs out. Withdrawal is painfull and she will vomit and take excessive baths. I thinks she is just crazy and I don't know if that can be fixed.
The cooking is probably the hardest to 180 because I cook for my special needs daughter and myself but I will reduce the amount so there is no leftovers.
GAL is hard because I spend everyday with my SND 20. If it wasn't for her and the equipment I have from the picture framing store I would leave tomorrow. I don't want to forfeit the equipment to her eviction. Special needs D20 has an IQ in the 60s and needs us together or she goes crazy.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
W was raped by older brother repeatedly from age 11 to 15, father beat up mother on several occasions. W had PA and D me in 05. This^^ "Summary" is an odd one for me, without context. You just blurted out some major things.
Are you somehow or directly connecting her childhood abuse with her affairs, or what?
Are you nowhere to be found in this? I mean, is it ALL About HER Problems from the past?
I DB from BD in 04 and after the D. OM was out of the picture abt 3 mo after D. W lost the house to foreclosure abt 8 mo after D. W went to rehab for addiction to hydrocodone and other drugs abt 3 mos after D. So she and OM broke up at the same time she began her recovery program?
We remarried in 07, 2nd M much better, how was it better? What was different about her? And you? Were there any signs of trouble this time and if so, what would you do differently, next time?
however she has relapsed on pain killers several times. She was sexually attacked by a coworker, this triggered PTSD and shortly after was admitted to a mental hospital . Now she dropped the bomb again after two mos of therapy with a new therapist. Can DBing work again w/mental illnesses?
IF this is ALL and ONLY about her mental illness, I can't say for sure. Depends how deep her problems are and what role you play in them. Any co-dependence issues?
You'd be powerless to help anything IF this is all about HER... since none of it is about you. I would not take to heart what someone says in this fragile a position, the first 6 times I heard it, though.
And since I doubt you played zero role in the issues arising inside the marriage, the great news is that you are probably not powerless.
But the more you make this ALL/ONLY about her problems and addiction issue, the less likely you will do much constructive changing.
What personal work did YOU do, the first time around?
What was your "DB" work like?
have you backslid?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
We are still living together in separate bedrooms though. I still do everything a butler would do, except deliver the meals to her office/bedroom. She eats the leftovers from the meals I cook. Is it time to 180 and stop washing her laundry and prepare less food so there is no leftovers? You are the healthy one, right?
But you want to take FOOD away from your wife, whom YOU say is mentally ill?
Do you hear yourself?
In seven yrs she has cooked maybe once a yr and I don't recall her doing any laundry.
So on your SCORECARD, she's not winning? How about NOT keeping a record of wrongs and getting rid of the scorecard altogether? Because on HER Scorecard, guess what? You are probably way behind!
Scorecards are never good for a marriage. Ever. Lose the scorecard asap. Especially since you claim she's sick.
Her suv is broke down, I probably can do the repairs but won't unless she asks me to.
Wow...so you KNOW her SUV needs repairs which YOU can make...okay
Have you read the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy books?
I get the feeling you are not familiar with our approach here b/c that is a strange comment to make.
Please read the book(s) again if you did once before. I'd read it more than once if I were you (I did anyhow).
You need to decide what your goal is, b/c a lot of your behavior is NOT directed at a reconciliation or showing her a NEW you...AND
Act in accordance with your goals and NOT how you feel at the moment.
Show restraint. Remember you are the healthy one. Show stability.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I rejoined the DB forum just a few days ago, so no I have not reread all of the books. I did however succeed at it the last time. Yes, her mental illness is mostly likely caused by the abuse she endured and several experts have all said the PAs and other questionable behaviors are directly related. I'm by no means perfect, never said I was. The facts I blurted out are true, many details left out because new members are told to make short frequent posts to get out of moderation. Also keep short because of time I have to post.
The advice you gave about the food and fixing the SUV contradicts the advice of others, I merely asked for advice. She can cook if she wanted to. Detaching and 180s worked best during my first round DBing so I was trying to find things to use. Did I back slide? Of course I did, I'll try my best to never do it again , but I am human and it certainly could happen.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
I rejoined the DB forum just a few days ago, so no I have not reread all of the books. I did however succeed at it the last time.
What does that^^ mean to you? How did you two reconcile, and what, if anything, changed in the r so that you both felt you could remarry - with a better chance of staying married the 2nd time around?
I'm not asking you this to BLAME you (or her for that matter). I'm asking so I can see where you may have overshot the goal, or whether you believe you missed anything.
Understand something--IF you did everything perfectly and you still end up here, that's really the worst case scenario b/c it means you are powerless. There's nothing you can do to improve the situation, give up, go home...
But if there is ANYTHING you can work on - in yourself or your approach to things, then you have somewhere to start.
Because as you surely must know by now, you cannot fix HER,
but you CAN work on YOU.
Make sense?
Yes, her mental illness is mostly likely caused by the abuse she endured and several experts have all said the PAs and other questionable behaviors are directly related. I'm no expert but I sure fear oversimplifying things. "Directly related" is a big statement to make about an event that happened long ago. "A factor" makes more sense to me but I don't want to play word games.
Here's the point. If you play NO role in any of her choices, then there's not much you can do.
But if you dig really deep, and very bravely, maybe you can see something you can improve upon. I'd start there, with yourself. The rest of it is mostly out of your control anyhow.
No need to react defensively. You are not being attacked. I'm pointing you in the direction with the only chance of success, which is working on yourself.
That includes GAL--- which is absolutely required for true Detachment.
I'm by no means perfect, never said I was. The facts I blurted out are true, many details left out because new members are told to make short frequent posts to get out of moderation. Also keep short because of time I have to post.
The advice you gave about the food and fixing the SUV contradicts the advice of others, I merely asked for advice.
I merely gave some.
She can cook if she wanted to. Detaching and 180s worked best during my first round DBing so I was trying to find things to use. Okay, so what are your 180s now, and what were they, then? What does detachment look like, to you?
Did I back slide? Of course I did, I'll try my best to never do it again , but I am human and it certainly could happen.
We all backslide, but if/when we learn where we went off track, we remedy it. If we gloss over it or remain vague, we tend to remain stuck.
Also, fwiw, I want you to know about opiate (and hydrocodone is an opiate) addiction and withdrawal.
When I was in the Army many years ago, I injured my back. After procedures and a surgery, I remained on pain killers for years.
Then I learned we were expecting our 3rd child. Though opiates themselves do not cause birth defects (thank God), my doctors said if I kept taking the pills, the baby would be born with a physical dependence and would need to be weaned off. That sounded pretty bad, so I chose to go through withdrawal.
But withdrawing makes your blood pressure spike up, and that can cause a miscarriage. So I went thru withdrawal in a hospital and was frequently monitored for blood pressure and other conditions that can arise in pregnant women and or those going through detox.
It was a brutal powerful experience. The physical aspects are horrendous and so they get the most attention.
But the psychological and emotional pieces are longer lasting and they are the biggest reason for relapse.
Here's why. Normally, our brains make chemicals called "endorphins" which are our natural "happy brain" chemicals. We make them when we are laughing, we make them when we are having enjoyable sex, and when we exercise strenuously, and other happy good times.
Opiates (like Percocet or Vicodin--your wife's drug of choice) make endorphins for us. So our brain stops making them b/c they are not needed by us.
When opiate use is stopped, we have NO endorphins. And it takes up to 6 (SIX) Months for our body to fully replace those endorphins. That means trouble sleeping, eating, exercising and all the things you'd want to do to feel better, are very difficult to do. That's why anti depressants are so frequently prescribed to those who are in recovery programs. Did your wife have a specialist for her treatment plan? Did he/she give you the information about what to expect?
Here are just a few....
The "after the withdrawal/detox" symptoms, include hyperalgesia (=the increased perception of pain, which really stinks when the reason you took the opiates in the first place, was for PAIN!),
And chronic insomnia, --which makes many other things worse--digestive issues that remain , depending on how long she used, decrease in sex drive varies, but can be dramatically low,
the belief that "Life will never get better" and a really bleak outlook is all part of the "No endorphins here" problem. That takes time AND a program structured for success, to overcome.
After our 2nd child was born, I was so happy and thrilled. We planned her arrival and were delighted that we now had a 'set" of kids, one boy and one girl - and both healthy.
Then on day 5, I awoke feeling VERY SAD...(no apparent reason). On TV there was a tragedy and I began weeping...hard. I felt deep sadness, and a creeping feeling that I'd "never" be happy again, grew.
Then it dawned on me that "this MUST be a post partum mood swing b/c the hormones are way off AND this sadness came on so suddenly..."
(I can only shake my head thinking of how I might have really gone off the deep end, if that same mood swing took weeks or months to come over me,
AND OR if I had not just had a baby and been so quickly, so dramatically changed over night. Hormones and brain chemicals DO affect us but sometimes it's only when they are sudden, that we really take notice.
After all, if it happened that^^ way, over lots of time, I might have started looking around to FIND reasons for my sadness...) Severe depression is a long lasting part of withdrawal. It is an emotional and psychological response, to a physiological condition. I describe my post partum depression above, b/c that's what it also felt emotionally like, after detox.
It follows the patient for weeks to months after initial detox. Depression that is Untreated or under treated, is the single biggest reason for relapse.
If shame and or fear (perhaps of others finding out, or some legal ramifications) are also parts of her outlook, that's a seriously challenging situation.
Add to that mixture^^, a mental illness, and OH MY, she has a mountain to climb.
What's she like, at her best? And you?
When was the last time she was at or near that? And you?
Try to hold onto those images in your efforts to support her long term health, AND in your own program.
What is your plan for yourself, by the way? I mean, what are the 180s and GAL and what is your over all goal?
It's most important to act in accordance with your goals, and Not act in accordance with how you Feel.
Make sense?
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 01/09/1507:44 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for trying to help me, I do appreciate it. Right now I'm not able to answer all of your questions, I am privately contemplating them all though.
You are a writer and lawyer, so you're very talented in relaying your message. I, on the other hand have great difficulty in verbal and written communication. My brain is right side strong and left side weak.
I appreciate your incite on opiate addiction, it was a great reminder of what my W deals with. I am still with her because I know the changes opiates make to the brain. She has had therapy and medication for depression, ptsd, anxiety , cod and insomnia for about 7 yrs. She tries very hard to stay clean.
For myself I am going to do IC and exercise as I need to loose 50 lbs. I will add more things to work on in the near future.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
I use my phone to text the messages on here and I am slow at it so please bear with me, my posts will be short.
After contemplating 25yearsmic replies to my posts I will continue to cook, do her laundry and housework. I have also decided to work on her suv. I believe stopping these activities would empty her love bank me.
She invited herself to my bedroom to watch a football game I was watching. There are three other tvs in the house so she chose to watch it with me. All communication was positive today and I avoided bringing up any R issues. She ate her dinner in her office but brought her dishes down and chatted for awhile.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
W watched two footballs with me again today in my bedroom. She is still dizzy from missing six doses of Xanax, but was teasing and joking around with me.
Then she wanted to go over the bills so she knows how to pay them when I'm gone. I haven't decided if I am leaving or not yet, but that is her plan. She became stressed because of the amount of bills she will have and the reduced income. I stayed composed through the whole process, but I had a lot of anxiety. I took a break without her realizing I had anxiety. Then the last bill was Victoria Secrets and I said some things I shouldn't have. I have to learn to keep my mouth shut when I have bad thoughts. Most of her Victoria Secret wardrobe was purchased as gifts for her over the last year by me. I said, "I can't handle you wearing my gifts for someone else!" I know backsliding at its worst!"
I'm going to find a C this week and I will ask for help with my temper, self esteem and healing from the infidelity. Little items, but I will shave my goatee off, get a short haircut to do a minor 180. Iron shirts and get out of the house wearing a tie.
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
