This is why I am so mixed. I want to believe our love was real and this is just a bump in the road. I want to believe that I wasn't completely mislead by him and that I wasn't wrong in trusting him. But I also want to get to a point where my life is my own and not an accessory to his. I am starting to feel that way because I am not doing what he wants me to. I am still home, but I am doing my own thing. But at the same time I think separating will be the healthiest thing for me--except that it is once again me doing what he wants me to do to make his life easier. I really don't know what is best anymore. Do I stay or do I go? Do I file or do I want for him? One thing I know is that I will not go until we have a legal agreement.
So instead of doing everything the way he wants to, why not take charge? If the healthiest thing is to separate, but you won't go till you have a legal agreement, and you are anxious because you don't understand the process, take charge of that.
Your whole post reads like a woman who feels she has no say. It's true that none of your options are the ones you want, but that does not mean you have no power. It just means you have to choose the option that works best for you from a bad batch.
Your choices don't sound fun, and I'm sorry that's how bad your options are. How can you reframe that though to make you stronger?
For example, for how long will you stay with your parents? I'm sure it won't be forever -- just till you get your life settled.
I think you've talked before about the frustration of how poorly money is managed in your household -- what will you do to assure your financial stability when you don't have to share that with him?
What will your friends be like when you start making your own? How will you relax when you ultimately have your own place -- WHICH YOU WILL -- and can build a home of your own?
What else can you say to yourself to make your story one of triumph rather than loss?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
You have some great points. Financially, I feel relief when I think about not having to share it with him anymore. I am pretty sure I will be able to pay off my car and an expensive impulse vanity purchase I made in December within a few months if I am living with my parents. Yes, my finances will be much better once he is out of my life. They are already better since we have separated most of our finances anyway--but there are a bunch of bills I can reduce (and even eliminate temporarily while I am living with my folks). There is also the possibility of buying the house next door to them--the neighbors had it listed then removed the listing but plan to list it again. Homes are so much cheaper out there than around here--and my parents would buy it for me to rent from them with a rent to buy option. Before I didn't think it would happen because I want to pay off my debts first, but since the removed the listing I think that I might actually get the time I need to feel comfortable with that commitment.
I do have some of my own friends. The people I work with. My friends from before marriage, who I have been making more of a point to get together with lately. They are also connected to him--friends of mine are married to family members of his, but he has been MIA with them and I have been closer to them throughout the years. Plus they all live out there. I'll be closer to everyone and everything I care about (except my job and my kids' school--and him).
You are right that it will be triumphant. Even the kids are on board about moving out there (as long as they don't have to change schools--according to my daughter--they go to a private school so they won't have to even though it will be a long commute for them).
Everything will be better, except that I won't have the man I love in my life anymore. And right now there really isn't much to love about him. And also it do feel like my heart breaks every time he has the kids without me. The idea of that happening 50% of the time is very difficult to wrap my head around. But I guess I could get used to it.
Writing all of that out makes it a no brainer. My rational brain knows what the right thing to do is. My emotional side usually screws it all up though lol.
So how do I take control? I guess I have to get my stuff together to give to my lawyer ASAP.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
