Sounds like you are fed up. So am I, so is everyone here. You want answers, so do all of us. You have been doing this for a long time and have been extremely patient. No one is faulting you for any of that. You could go on a feeding frenzy, bloody the water, then you will have to look for your next meal. Your internal due date is coming up fast. Only you can control that.
Look at it this way, he could be pressing to file papers like my WAW is, she even didn't have the descency to hold her tongue the last time I saw her. In some ways that might be a relief, but in a lot of ways it wouldn't be. Limbo sucks, no question, but better than he pressing for it and still being confused. At least he is confused enough he hasn't filed? Maybe needs more info for his no to turn to a yes?
I think that's the problem we are facing. We can either take them the way they are or we can walk away. I just think I had a great marriage for 23+ years, and I don't want to walk away. I may run away at some point.
I don't think they do have a clue. i have seriously thought of C for me, to get him to eventually go.
Sorry for the hijack, Betsey.
Last edited by Pattie; 03/08/0405:54 PM.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Hi Betsey. I am feeling very much like you, Mer and Pattie these days. Hence, the lack of posting on my thread. I don't have the energy to rehash the frustration.
I for one don't think that a R talk would be terribly bad. I think letting him in on your internal timeframe would be a BAD idea, but having an R talk would give him sufficient clues that the winds of change are blowing for you these days.
I am soooo cynical. Getting screwed even a little in a D after all the work I've done is what keeps me from just telling H that May is it homey. Piss or get off the pot. In honesty though I also don't want to say something that I can't back up come May. sigh.
As far as male companionship is concerned. I had to fend off some major ego boosting behavior this weekend and it was HARD! This guy didn't hold a candle to H, but he was saying ALL the right things, etc. It makes me resent H all that much more that he can just deny me any emotional fulfillment. So I understand what you are saying in that department and I think that your abstinence gets you immediate entry to Heaven (like that wasn't a given )
That time of the BB cycle again I see Has anybody been tracking this stuff on paper...is it commensurate with the mmon phases (majority of posters being female maybe?) or something like that?
My weekend was frustrating too Bets...on MY part, not something H did per se.
SPRING FEVER??
Hugz, Zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
Thanks for all your support--both here, e-mail and IM. I really appreciate all the terrific feedback!
I wasn't not posting to all of you yesterday because I was tanked. I was angry, but not with any of you! The truth is that I am phenomenally busy at work right now. Before I post my conclusions, I'll tell you the ironic stuff.
I led D10's girl scout meeting yesterday to work on a badge I signed up for last September--called Being My Best. It entails teaching the girls how to journal, think positive thoughts, identify positive things about others and set short and long term goals.
It forced me to adjust my thinking, and it was well timed and appreciated. After the meeting, I had to check in with my Slim4Life counselor and head to the gym. I'm happy to report that I lost 6 lbs and am now employing my new weight loss eating habits. I'm really going to miss the half and half in my coffee (skim milk bites) as well as the girl scout cookies, mini carrots and yogurt. So here goes!
I've thought a lot about what each one of you have had to say. I'll start with Pattie's suggestion that maybe the actual deadline started me down this path. I think she might be right!
I've also thought a lot about what Hud told me in an e-mail: basically that I have some more detaching to do and to become more vigilant with setting boundaries that assist me in detaching.
For instance, Mr. W. and I are not legally separated. All the papers have been completed and are residing in our legal mediator's hands. For a variety of reasons, he has full access to me, the girls and the house.
I arrived at some conclusions while thinking yesterday and overnight.
Mr. W. is in a comfort zone. Don't we all know that the only way we humans make changes is to be pushed into a DIScomfort zone. Well, I'm thinking that the tide needs to turn.
My dinner with Mike on Saturday was thought provoking. He asked me a question that my dad had asked me last September (after Mr. W. dropped out of MC). What incentive does Mr. W. have to figure things out? He's got all the comforts of having a home and family, full access to his friends while I'm rearing the girls, and nobody to ask him the tough questions that he needs to ask himself.
Not to mention the fact that his very close friends have been warned by him not to bring me up as a topic of discussion or he will leave. Mike called his lifestyle "camping with the guys". He's right on the money.
This tells me that my emotionally crippled H is comfy.
So here's what I think needs to be done:
1. Eliminate the May deadline for now.
2. Initiate a phone call with Mr. W. The phone seems to be the best medium for good chats between us. And it will help remove the emotional factor of the equation, which he might interpret as manipulative or an ultimatum where he feels the need to challenge.
3. Inform him that I want to make the separation legal.
Note--I know he will ask why, so here is my thought on answering:
"Mr. Wonderful, it is becoming obvious that we are not working toward a reconciliation. I really need to start thinking along those lines, which is why this is necessary."
4. I need to establish new SOPs--mainly that he acts as a guest in my home (i.e., calls before he comes over when it's not planned, rings the doorbell instead of letting himself in).
5. When he calls me, I will answer his questions but discourage any small talk. I really need him to stop treating me as his best friend if we are going to D. That won't mean that we can't be friends, but the fact is that I need to work things out in my head before that can happen.
I think this about covers it for me right now. I hope all of you feel comfortable enough to give me feedback on my post.
Hugs to all of you today!
Bets
p.s. My astrological sign of the zodiac is Aries. We are the first in the zodiac--we signify rebirth and spring is our time for big change. So I hope that this doesn't come as any surprise to anyone here!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
The only one who knows what you are truly ready for is you. That said…
I’m always in favor of detachment! And I agree that MW doesn’t have a lot of incentive to get his rear in gear on reconciling this marriage. However, I think that the plan needs a little tweaking.
First of all, when you address MW he may receive it as you have see nothing different that has come of the past year. That may be more of the same behavior. Can you point out to him the improvements you’ve seen in him? Maybe point out the one’s you have created in yourself? And then segue with your BUT. BUT…you’re feeling caught in the middle of marriage and divorce and in order to make a clear decision on where things should head you think it is time for a legal separation, including the concept toning down the friendship and turning the open door policy into a knocking one. I know that you aren’t trying to come across as saying that you’re done wasting your time with this baloney…but a WAS may perceive it as such.
Don’t eat me Bruce, I come in peace! But…one more question…what are you hoping will happen from legally separating? Are you hoping it will jump-start him? Quell your rising resentment? Open doors for new lifestyles? What is the ultimate goal in telling him that his key doesn’t fit in the lock any longer?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
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Has anybody been tracking this stuff on paper...is it commensurate with the mmon phases (majority of posters being female maybe?) or something like that?