Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Devastated Husband; Need Advice...Part 2

Echoing my own advice:

Part of the problem my own WAH is having comes from his resentment on things that he felt that he had to do to "be a good husband." Things he felt defined him as a good husband, were things that I never asked him for, nor wanted.

He has alot of anger and resentment about it.

On the same hand, I can say the same on my end. Expectations vs. reality is a dangerous dance.

I'll echo what Calibri, Toots and jim0987 said and go further: You did all of these things for yourself. Yes, you worked hard to support her and start a family, but you likely got a lot of pride and good feelings from it. Same for graduating and the likes. You did it because it gave you a purpose.

This will be key for you to understand her perspective:

You got a kick out of achieving things, now she wants to do it.

You know that saying about giving being better than receiving? You know that feeling of pride when you graduated? When you receive your paycheck? When you add a decoration to your uniform? When you get a pat in the back from a colleague that you helped? A friend that you saved?

Even you admit in your top post here that you did not tell her how much you admire her. Imagine your life without recognition? Being seen as "supported" by your hard working partner? Admired for her looks and no more?

So perhaps what your W is telling you, clumsily, is not that you didn't work hard, but that you were encouraged and recognized for all of it. Next time she broaches the topic, translate it in your head and it will be much easier to validate her.

(BTW, really listen to Calibri because she seems to have been on the receiving end of someone like you and will have a lot of truth darts to share with you. You're lucky she's around for you.)

everything Mozza just said especially the bit about Calibri

one of the things that i have found most valuable about these boards has been the realisation that WAS/LBS are two sides of the same coin, the coin of an unhappy marriage. There are plenty of good people here who have the same complaints about their WAS that our WAS's have about us - they are gold for advice and understanding.

C, Toots, Jim, Mozza, thank you so much. All of you said something that really hit home and you cleared up my own "fog" and identified what the real issue was. This is exactly why I post here, because from your pov you see it for what it is.

Reoccuring themes here from all of you:

1. Stop thinking "Husband knows best." Stop trying to "fix" her and her insecurities. She needs to fix it herself.
- W did not leave me solely because she's on a path to discover herself and make it on her own. She left because she was unhappy with how our M was going. This journey she is on is still one that needs to be taken. As Mozza says, it gives one purpose. W did not work much or stay in school because she did not want to. Simple as that. She felt like I provided enough to where she was fortunate to not have to (her words). In the end, I believe this was a mistake, to put all her eggs in my basket instead of her own. Now we are learning that.

- I consider myself a success when it comes to life and a career. But because I did it one way, doesn't mean she has to do it that way. I focused all my efforts on school without a job. But many people do both at the same time. It's actually more admirable that they can do this. Pushing her or encouraging her to do it my way, is what comes off as controlling. I have the best intentions, but there's more than one way to skin a cat.

- C said this the other day. Now is the prime time for W to learn these things on her own. Me "helping" her, is only impeding this and making things longer because now she has to fight me and my views. There is nothing I can do to help fix her insecurities. I always felt as her H, when she's sad, I should be there to help. Maybe instead, I STFU and LISTEN to what she's saying instead

2. W did not ask me to make the choices/sacrifices I made. Quite the opposite. My views on being a good H differed from hers.

- All of you said this. This is a hard pill to swallow. To me, being a good H was one that provided for W, roof/food/car/$, in addition to the emotional side. W, as you all echoed, did not ask for this. Yes, a big house and new trucks are nice. But what she wanted was to be with a H who showed and cared for her and would always support her. I was so focused on the materialistic side of providing for W that I failed miserably the last year at the emotional side.

- W said it and I failed to hear her. "Do you think I cared if you went to XYZ School or did XYZ. No. I would have stayed with you no matter what. Because ILY and thats it."

- She did not want, nor ask for what I also thought I was doing for her. It was a self-imposement that I wanted to do and felt I should do. I should have listened first instead of acted

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Now what? Nothing. So difficult to wrap my head around this. The only thing to do is STFU, Listen, Validate, and Let Go of Control.

I am thankful W is telling me these things because this allows me to work on myself as well. Control is still a huge issue for me, it just is so subtle in my eyes that I fail to see it.

I am also failing as far as validating. She says I cant relate to her, so obviously my efforts to validate/empathize are not working. Need to try harder and sincerely mean it. Maybe share more if I have non-marriage related issues. Ask for her opinion and respect what she says.

Lastly, let the dust settle. This past week has been a very emotionally draining week with all these serious talks. Need to move past it. Too many serious talks do not help anything.

Seems like I always identify the same issues. I just never act. I should probably start. Thanks again you guys.

Isn't it ironic how the WAW chooses to leave her H, and yet expects him to feel sorry for her having a difficult time making ends meet? The only thing that makes about as much sense is the LBH breaking his neck to help her continue to live separated from him.

Why the urgency to respond to everything she says? You are trying to fix her problems and fix her. Don't do either one. She needs to experience life without you....since that was her choice.

You are much too eager. She knows it. Not a good thing. Let her boil in her own stew. until she is interested in having a life with you simply b/c she loves you......then STFU and just listen.

You would benefit from reading "The 5 love languages" by Gary Chapman. It's often mentioned around here.

It's a book about the different ways in which we communicate about love, especially how we say and understand that we're loved. In your case, it looks like you spoke a language (acts of service) that was not the primary language of your W. She seems to expect "words of affirmation" based on your recent posts. For a better answer, you'll need to read the book and draw your own conclusions.

It's not necessarily a book about stopping your D, but it can be useful. Mostly, it's a book to become more mature as a spouse and it will help you regardless of what happens with your W.

^^^^ every word of this. Seriously, T - make this your phone background. Print it out and then some. Take Sandi's advice here.

Hey TLEE, good for you for taking all of this on board! Some hefty 2x4s...

Maybe you could just work on the basis of offering encouragement and validation? I'm sure you'd be great at that...you have lots to offer..you're good at X etc..

You could even go as far as saying - hey, if I can help or support, just let me know.

But dial right back on any advice, or ideas, or any suggestion of - hey, I know what you need to do here, if you'l just let me tell you! I'm sure if your W just sees you as having faith and confidence that she can do this, that would be a good thing..

That stops short of you 'actively supporting' the separation. This whole situation wouldn't have been your choice. But it is around accepting and respecting her and her decision, and working with what you have here and now.

I can see that your W may feel that she 'lost' part of herself. She was Mum, Wife (to a successful man), but who else could she be? Working may bring her a great deal of satisfaction and confidence.

I'm with you on the....I did all these things, and I thought I was doing my best, working really hard... and then we find that some of these efforts were not always in the 'right' direction, or weren't always welcomed. It isn't easy to take, but it does build our understanding more of what our WAS want, and that's no bad thing - either for your current R, or a future one.

Good luck TLEE. I think you're doing really well with this.

Toots :-)

How was your weekend T?

Got back to Texas from GA, leave is over so I start work again tomorrow. Overall, the trip went fine. Nice to travel and just be doing some stuff, even if it is all work/business. W did not want to meet up for dinner on Friday, and it stung but I left it at that. Ironically, I decided just to leave a day early and left on Saturday instead of Sunday. I didnt tell her, but she texted me on Saturday and asked if I wanted to meet up but I told her I was already at the airport. Apparently she thought I was staying a while longer. Seriously contemplated changing my flight so I could see her but I didnt. Not sure if that was the right choice, but it is what it is.

Been an ok weekend, W and I had a FaceTime session yesterday which was nice- caught me off guard, so thankfully I was wearing something decent and looked presentable. She ended up calling me a couple more times that same day. As much as possible, I tried to cut her off after 15minutes, but its hard sometimes because I do miss her.

W is moving out of OM place, around FEB 9 or sooner. She actually seems excited to do it and constantly talks about moving out. I'm happy she is wanting to move out, but at the same time, its still not moving back in with me. For now, I'll take it- much better feeling to know she won't be at OM place anymore.

Doing slightly better at not expecting things, or letting little things bother me. W texted me briefly this morning but didnt respond the rest of the day. Usually I'd be freaking out but right now, it's not bothering me too much.

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Anyways, as far as just me...I feel like I might be missing the point of this separation. Yes, I can truly say I have learned a million things I never would have learned and am a far better person/H than what I used to be. I've gotten to experience what it is to be on my own again, and have really come to appreciate various things.

But, forgive me if I'm preaching, on a spiritual level, I don't think Im where I am supposed to be. I am by far NOT a super religious guy. But I told myself a couple months ago, that perhaps besides learning to be a better H, and my W learning things on her own, that God put us through this to grow closer to him. There is nothing on earth that could humble me enough to be down on my knees and pray as much as I have. Nothing could be taken away from me except my W, to really reach out to God. My W used to be pretty good about church and reading the Bible and stuff but when I was gone this last time, she stopped all that, and it was all replaced by things that put her in a really dark place. Now I see that she is back to listening to Christian music, reading the Bible, and trying to find God again-obviously a good thing

Me, on the other hand, when I pray, its all selfish prayers. Yes i pray for clarity, strength and patience, but its still ME. I mean yea, i pray about other people too, people here on this forum, but idk...i don't think I'm really "getting it."

What spurred this "revelation" was a song my W sent me. Apparently she's been listening to it for a while, and has fallen in love with this song.

Casting Crows- Broken Together

Essentially, it just talks about how people enter marriage as a fairy-tale, and don't think that problems will really arise. When the problems inevitably come, couples don't know how to deal with it because it doesn't fit in that fairy-tale, leading to D or S. It then goes on to talk about how only through God can 2 people really be broken, but broken together. That only if we trust him enough and realize this is completely out of our hands, can we be together again.

Sorry if Im preaching, i really don't mean to. But if you haven't heard that song, I'd seriously recommend it. Really shows that in order to grow together again, you gotta detach and leave it up to someone else.

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On a happier note, for the first time since I was 18 and on my own, I am friends with my neighbor. Usually, its just a hi/bye and never really know the people living next to us, but this time, we are actually friends and its awesome. Its nice to have someone to joke with and just be friendly with on a regular basis. Its also nice to be able to..borrow stuff or just do neighbor-y things with. They lent me an air mattress because my household goods haven't come to Texas yet and Ive been sleeping on the floor. To be honest, she reminds me of my W in more ways than I care to even say, and her H seems like a good guy as well, but its nice to just..talk to someone besides work stuff.

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ANNYWAYS, this post has been all over the place, but just a quick update. Starting my ridiculous 530-830ish work schedule again tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes...

Casting Crows-Broken Together. Listen to it. You'll be glad you did.