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Yet, you still fear. If you really believe you will be fine without her, why can't you let go? I believe that letting her go is the only chance you have.

Sandi,
I know I will be fine without my husband, but I don't feel like I am fearing anything. I feel like I am sad about the loss of my marriage, sad that I failed at it, sad for my son, sad for my husband, because I know he will be worse off without me, sad for the loss of our dreams together. Do you think there really is fear?

I guess I mean, is there always fear?

Thanks Sandi. I believe this as well. I do need to let her go - it is the only way. Now it's just the how and when. We both know it's time. She is just waiting for my move and my "demands".

Part of me fears being the bad guy.

W invited a couple over on NYE (her confidant and my friends as well). We all had a good time talking about kids mostly. Our kids all go and went to school together and we are pretty close.

Had a long and close conversation alone with friend (w left us alone) and basically she confirmed that there is not much hope here. W is in turmoil but is in no position to change anything. She held my hand while we were talking. It was a little emotional but actually a good and confirming talk. I am heading in the right direction by letting her go.

I will be proceeding.

Yesterday was our aniversary and we went to lunch with the kids. I think the kids have an idea of whats coming. There was no talking of our aniversary and they noticed.

Before she went to sleep, I sat on the floor next to her and told her:(she had an uncomfortable and paniced look on her face - maybe thinking this is going to be our R talk or BD. I would not do this on our aniversary)

"I feel like a sh!thead for not even mentioning our aniv today. I want to let you know that am thinking of you and us. No matter what happens with us, it doesn't change all the great things we have had and done for the last 27 years."

She cried and said thank you. I wanted to say this - for me. I know this probably wouldn't have been advised. I had no expectations.

Seems like I am off the db path right now.

W & S20 were having a text message battle about college bills and things he still has here at the house. It broke down into name calling and insults by both. She kept trying to drag me into it. I gave my input on the actual issues but refused to get between them or acknowledge the pissing match that they were having. When I told her that it was unproductive and wouldn't, she blew.

It turned into the talk about what I wanted to do about us. How I wanted to separate.

I spoke, looking directly at her. I told her that this was not working for me and she was free to leave.

I told her it would be best if she moved out.

I stuck to the script as well as possible. left some parts out. Thought it would be calmer than it turned out.

She was shocked by this. She thought I would just leave. She said that she would not leave her kids. She tried to put words in my mouth-like I was taking the kids from her and accusing her of being a bad mother. I assured her that this was not the case that we would raise the kids as equal co-parents.

I really didn't want to talk about the details yet. Though I see that this may be a battle.

She asked why I think she should leave. I told her that based on the decissions she was making. That she clearly doesnt want to be with me.

Her last statement before the kids came home was that "fine, you keep the house. You keep it all. I will find a place for the three of us".

She stared at me and had a little smile on her face.

I left it at that for now. Didn't go at all how I envisioned it.

I really have thoughts that she is a person that I don't want to be married to. She is not a good person right now. The things she was telling our son were shocking. She could have been talking about herself.

Exhausted.

Well that's certainly some action u-turn.

Wishing all the best. Stay strong mate. You can handle whatever life throws at you.

Sorry u-turn. This is how it is. Stay strong.

U-turn, I remember the same type of Convo at my house 14 months ago now. It was like my STBXW was invaded by the bodysnatchers and wasn't herself anymore. The truth is she hadn't been herself for a while before that and I just refused to see. Perhaps some time and distance will help. Keep working on yourself. No matter what comes next, that is what saves you.