Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #3

Thank you Wonka. I'm glad I finally came up with a good response on my own! Maybe I'm learning. I will send it.

It's not encouraging though that I'm doing this already so soon into this LRT. Is this how it works? She sounded really tired on the VM. I imagine she is worn out and not happy having to deal with me. I know it's not my job to make her happy right now... but I'm pissing her off so much.

Even so, she has backed down a lot in the past few weeks and is more respectful when I'm not making her scream. She's asking me for things while I've only contacted her once when the car wouldn't start. I am getting space enough to get myself together and make good decisions for my life. I'm on the right track then?

I'm going the read the LRT chapter again in DR to find encouragement b/c as far as R is concerned I'm not feeling encouraged. I can go on doing this for 6 months and I see it gets easier to do every week... just not seeing how my W won't hate me more.

Then again, she was screaming at me a few days ago, but still wants to have lunch as a family even though she has no intension of R. These tests are just to make all this sit better with her right?

Anyway, I'm glad W told S11 something about feeling guilty. I hope she was being truthful and not just trying to make him feel good.

And yes, unfortunately S11 has it in his head that he can talk to his mom to fix things. Even said, if he got a broken leg, maybe we could all be back together. He said it jokingly but still. I don't know where he got that from and I talked with him about it... that this is up to mom and dad and not his burden. I'll keep talking to him about that.

I'm tired but so what?

Just keep going.

Consistency, HP, consistency.

It is more than vital...

Thank you Justin for the hard words. I can see how I am being unhappy, unconfident, immature, and emotionally weak. Like 25 said... I feel like I'm hiding here now that I'm not in W's face everyday. I want to change this immediately and still I've let 2 weeks go by here without changing. I'm off many of the disciplines I had when I was in the house with her. Too much resting and wallowing and letting things slide like this was a regular holiday season.

To be happy, confident, mature, and emotionally strong then I have to decide and then do it all day everyday. I can do that.

I'll find a way to do that and do LRT and just be a stronger me.

So I have to GAL, answer her texts promptly, and get out of this condo. I have to do this you're right.

Thank you for your reminder about consistency TSquared2. I hope I'm being consistent in a good way. Honestly, though, I'm not sure I'm being consistent in the right way with my W.

Justin is right in that I get emotionally weak so I second guess what I'm doing. I'm really not sure I'm doing the right thing day to day.

If I am dealing with this confidently, what am I doing differently than I'm doing now?

As I've said, I'm seriously afraid I'm hiding from her by doing what I'm doing... not dealing with our problems... not responding to her... not seeing her. Somehow again I'm not leading.

So yes I'm looking to turn this around again. I did it confronting her on her A... standing up to her spewing... getting to the condo...

Ah... now it has to be my turnaround. Like Justin said... I have to be happier without her.

I was just thinking that when I was hanging with S11 watching his anime shows. We are having a happier night without her hovering and stressing us out.

Now I have to make it more real for me. Make some wins for me.

OK got it.

Thanks for that post Wonka!

HP,

I'm going to break one of my 180s right now, two actually (STFU and trying to fix things). I just wanted to give you a friendly warning, per say, about AD's. Make sure you've read the side effects carefully, and that another adult, that you trust, knows that you are taking the meds. The drugs can take awhile to kick in. And usually take about a month to fully get in your system.

I started taking AD's around the first of November. That first weekend on them, quite frankly scared the [censored] out of me, with what went on with my body. I basically nosedived into a depression, had very scary thoughts, combined with severe nausea and dizziness. My mother, who has taken the same AD, warned me that it might happen, as she had the same reaction. The depression and scary thoughts went away after about three days. The dizziness, nausea and fatigue went away after a month.

The reason I say this, the drugs can really help, or they can really hurt. My H spent the better part of November sleeping and barely functioning because he was on a med that wasn't working for him. My dad (who is mentally ill) has had similar problems. With S11 in your care, I just wanted to make sure you had a safety net in place in case the ADs didn't work. Make sure to keep in close contact with your doctor about anything. And, not to nag, but drinking and ADs aren't a good combination.

I commend you for your journey. And for taking a step outside of your comfort zone. I just wanted to put it out there for you. I will now go back to minding my own business and practicing my 180's.

Additionally, can't wait to hear about your own adult GAL activities. :-)

HP. I hope we can help you get through this.
Keep us updated.

Hello Calibri. Thank you so much for your post on ADs. I very much appreciate that your broke your 180's to tell me about your experience. I've never taken them before too... and I now see how dangerous it can be to really depend on them.

I did not want to use them at all... but I'm in a place now where I'm finding it difficult to turn myself around sometimes. Like Starsky suggested... my goal is to use these temporarily. If, at the end of the month when I visit my doctor again, I'm better then he'll have me stop. I've known my doctor for 20 years and he's very good... taking good care of me.

I hope for the best for you and your's Calibri.

...

Being better more emotionally stable me this morning. Just deciding to do it and acting like it as the TED videos say.

First thing this morning... text from W. She wants to get another rental car and asks for another $300. She said yesterday that she would not be able to get a rental until tomorrow so she wanted me to drive S11 to her office to meet her for lunch. Now she changed and asks me to drive him to our old house.

Two things... she said $150 of the last $300 was to put the rental car "on hold" as she wasn't using a credit card. She should get that $150 back.

Also, instead of $300 she asked for, she took $400 from our joint account last time.

So I responded soon after... "Hello W. I'll transfer $150 to the joint account. You mentioned $150 was for a hold on the last rental so I believe you get that back? Also you transferred an extra $100 from the account with the last $300?"

Tried being nicer by asking questions. Maybe they should have just been statements.

Then I immediately transferred the money. I texted her to let her know and said I would be by the house with S11 at lunch.

Then thought about it and texted her... "Hello W. Since you will have a car today, can you come pick S11 up for lunch? I'm working today. Thanks."

Just now, I heard her call S11 to say good morning. She has yet to reply to me.

Again I hated to do this. I don't want to control her by asking her for the rental receipts b/c I don't trust her. But she continues to do things to destroy trust like taking an extra $100 last time and the $1000 from a few weeks ago from our account.

Part of her problem with me is that I don't work with her... it's always my way and my feelings she says. I feel like I'm making this worse by my handling this morning but I don't know what else to do from here.

Anyway, she responds after a bit that she will come pick him up but an hour earlier. She now wants to keep him until 4 if that's ok with me. She'll also put $100 back into the account tomorrow.

I don't know how we come back from this. If she keeps feeling to has to lie, scream at me, and take my money and I keep having to call her on those things... how do we ever get back to friends?

So I just keep going.

Good. That's one of the qualities. Keep working on this.



Next step is the "CONFIDENCE" part of attraction.
You seem to always second guess yourself. i.e.(maybe I should have... Then I thought about it, etc. etc.)

Remember...Confident, happy, emotionally stable......
Those are the traits that women say they are attracted to.

Make your decisions... think wisely... confidently act on them.. be happy. show emotional strength.....

A man can be confident without appeasing his wife.
A man can say no without being mean or vindictive...

Firm, confident, stable.. Happy just the way things are...

Make your decisions and try to stop second guessing everything.. I CAN DO THIS... I WILL DO THIS...

HP,

We have advised you to take measures to protect yourself financially. I'm wondering if you've communicated to W that she has until the end of January to find her own transportation? She cannot depend on you for rental money indefinitely.

As a separated woman, she needs to grow up and face things without running to you every time to rescue her from whatever pickle she finds herself in. This isn't meant to be mean, but pull way back.

She will scream that you're being inflexible etc....but stand your ground. She wants an easy life with access to your money so she can use it for dinners with the OM or use it to buy presents for him. That's what people in affairs do.

Now, we'd like to see posts from you that are more oriented to GAL activities. Can you do this?