Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers barely holding on - 6

Our discussion never happened last night - no surprise. She avoided me like I was a leper (no offence to lepers). She went to sleep after dinner.

So still wanting to address this - I sent her a text this morning asking when a we could spend a little time to address this.

She called me back and was angry (rightfully so I guess - I know this is pressuring her).

She just wants me to write down what I want to talk about and how I want to separate. She stated again that she does not want to be monitored and I should just admit that she was right that I will not be able to live with this.

I did tell her that she has not responded to the things that I have written. She denied this.

she said she was at work then and hung up.

I guess this is my invitation to write down what I want - she is asking for it. I want to state:

-my boundaries have been violated again
-I will not live in an open marriage
-I do not believe that I can move forward with my life while seeing you disrespect me and our marriage
-I do want to do what's best for the kids
-I will not continue to play happy family
-I am letting you go

Sounds like a mess (like my head right now)

I will post it here first. I hope to get some feedback.

u-turn

I have followed your sitch for some time ... and yeah I think you are at a point where you have done so many DB type actions, some worked .. some didn't. All you can do is get to a point where you must take care of you first, you might feel like at the moment you are just going through the motions and by not rocking the boat maybe she will figure stuff out. Only you know when .... but sometimes firing a shot over the bow is required .... get em thinking ... let go of fear, you will be fine regardless ... once you get to that point the peace that one feels is amazing.

LOL... I can't help it. I know they have their reasons and their issues, but I just don't want you to feel weak. You are strong and courageous.

Hey Caliguy - thanks (I see we registered on the same day - that was a low day for me, but soon after, I started learning)

I do feel like this is for me now, even though I have accomplished some needed self-improvement, I like myself and I do not want to feel like I shouldn't any more.

I do not think she is figuring things out herself - I naively thought this before, but she is just good at covering. She's only playing her games.

There is no fixing this.

I am posting a very rough draft of my letter to W. Yes - I realize much of this is plagiarazed from what I've read here - but I'm not the wordsmith that many others are. I hope this is ok
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W,
As you probably know, I've been trying to think of solutions or at least ways to work on us. But I've decided that our current situation is not going to work for me. I know that as long as you are having an affair we cannot work on our marriage, you are not with me, and this does not work for me anymore. I have been fighting hard but maybe you are right - our marriage will not survive. You are seeking your emotional needs from another man, not your husband.

You have wanted me to heal, but I don't believe that I can move forward with my life while seeing you disrespect me and our marriage. You are, and have always been free to leave. I cannot stop you from seeing him, but I do not have to live with this disrespect.

I know we need to do the what's best for the kids, but continuing to play happy family is not teaching the kids what a marriage really is.

If you really want to be with him, I can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am.

If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had a lot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games.

I've been settling for less for too long. I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want. I'm going to start wanting something better for me.

I do think we should separate as I do not see our situation improving.
U-turn
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I would value some input - Please let me know what your thoughts are

U-turn

I think you have alot there ... as I read it I recall something I printed out from here ... a few things struck me. Have you read Starsky's sitch? Might be some insight ... not sure if he has chimed in here or not.

Another thing ... I read/printed out something that I always thought would be handy .... W and I never communicate via email ... but I did like what was written and maybe you could gain something by it:

RobX’s approach:


Sit her down and have a discussion with her.
No need to be mad, angry, a$$hole, prick on anything,
keep it calm, light but straight forward, direct to the point, etc. Don't make it last more than a few minutes.

You tell her trust is based on actions that are consistent.

You don't trust her because she hasn't been consistent.

You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, in fact you tell her that is what you trust her to continue doing, because she has been lying to your consistently - that's what you can trust.

For you to be able to trust her, she has to build trust.
Sure you can trust her blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?

Don't ask for for full disclosure.

Do the opposite.

Tell her this:

"... I don't want your cell phone records, I don't want to look at your cell phone text msg's and call history, I don't want your email or fb password, I don't want your voicemail pw. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.

I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.

From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.

If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.

If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had alot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.

I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me."


No being mean, spiteful, vindictive, you let her go.
No more discussions, arguments, no more talks about lies, no more sneaking around behind your back, she can do what she wants but you are letting her go to do what she wants to do but at the same time, you are now allowing yourself to be free of this crappy limbo place you've been living in for so long.

Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.

You be the best gosh darn example of a MAN for you and for you only. If she wants this great MAN that you are in her life, she'll pursue you and do what it takes to be a part of that.

You need to respect yourself first, that's the first step and letting go of your wife her untrustworthy ways to establish that your self-respect, dignity and integrity are the most important things in your life is what you NEED and WANT to do. You know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth and let go of the things that are worthy of you - starting feeling your personal value, know it, resonate with it, live it. You are worth better than what she is giving you right now, if you don't set that boundary, you'll allow her to do this to you forever and who could respect that?

Otherwise continue playing this game and you'll be playing this chase & pursue game, pushing & pulling for the rest of your life.

Time to get off the merry go round, this ride isn't that fun anymore.

Thanks cali.
I've read a small amount of Starsky's story - can't find it now though. And I have not had much input from the vets here.

Thanks for including this from RobX. I have seen this before as you can probably tell from my letter. I think this is exactly where I am at.

I want to add in the letter that this is not what I want, but it is necessary due to her decisions.

Thanks - and again I would appreciate input. Also - tomorrow's our anniversary and have always had our big life changing events on Jan 1. I don't think I want this to be one of them. Yeesh.

awwww...u-turn... the anniversary part is killin' me....mine is 1/7...19 years, with 2/14/15, being 20 years together....bummer.... I feel your pain. You are a tough-guy!!!

Hello u-turn. Your letter is nice. Your W will not want to read any of it though and will think less of you for it giving it to her.

You are asking her to take an action while she is in an A. Stronger for you to take an action regardless what she thinks.

She's asking for how you want to separate. Don't bring up OM. Don't bring up anything else. Decide what you want and then tell her to her face.

You say... "I do think we should separate as I do not see our situation improving."

I told my W... "I am separating from you." Then told her what I was doing. Then took spew. Then did it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I felt fear. It needed doing.

She says she wants to separate. You can say... "Let me know when you're leaving so I can plan." Then let her do everything and let her leave.

If you want to separate, make a plan to do so and then tell her about it and then do it. If you need to sell your home, go see a lawyer about it, make a plan to do it, and let the lawyer send her a letter.

If b/c she owns half of everything and she won't budge and you need to go... file D.

Your letter is still a love letter. It is too late for that and she will laugh at you.

Look her in the eye and say something like... "I have decided that..." and then tell her what you are going want to separate and then do it and look happy to do it. See a lawyer first if you need to. I did.

Hiya, U.

Here are some questions for you. What is your goal/intention in writing the letter? What do you hope to gain/accomplish?

BTW, I would definitely NOT send that letter if I were you. It is not strong and decisive. Too wordy.

Let me pull out a letter that Starsky and I worked with Dev that he sent to his W and post here for you to take a look at to see the differences between yours and Dev's.