Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New, looking for help. WAW won't communicate.

[quote=25yearsmlc]Just so I know, have you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy book(s)? Do read them!
They are crucial to this process so don't skimp, please. Plus you will get SO MUCH MORE out of this site when you grasp the jargon/concepts we use, which is in the books.


I have read DB once and have ordered DR through Amazon. Hope to have it soon. Have done two phone sessions with a DB coach and have been looking at the forum, but am definitely a newbie to the DB world.



Unless you believe you sent it to the wrong address, you know she got it and you have no control over what she did with it or what she believed about it. So, let that go. Seriously, learning to let go of what you cannot control, is KEY to this.
It's amazing how much time we spend/waste on things we Cannot control.

Plus, trying to control her, now, is a really bad idea.
The letter had words in it, not actions. I know, I know, what can you DO in front of her if there is no contact? You can be super patient & work on your issues while you have this gift of time.

I hope you took in what I wrote. If she felt humiliated in front of her kids, that's a bigger deal than you may realize. And please trust me --- if you raised your voice at her (AND OR the kids), along with the cursing, trust me when I tell you that she was humiliated. That can do something to a woman who has already survived a bad marriage and divorce.

Btw, for what it's worth, the person who is calmest in an argument is the person with the power, NOT the person out of control. I wish men realized that more (and some women). They think escalation is advantageous b/c sometimes they get their way, in the short run. But they really don't get a pay off in the long run.

Which I guess you see now.


Thank you again. I appreciate your POV and, of course, wish I had seen this a few months ago. I don’t want to paint the image that I was/am a complete tyrant or rage monster. I was and am definitely a loving father and my W said on numerous occasions that her kids were very lucky to have me in their lives, that I was a good male role model, etc. But yes, I acted inappropriately a number of times.


How are YOUR Kids handling all this? Were they there when you had the blow out? How are they doing now, and do they miss her kids? It seems that step siblings should not be moved about00 close to, or far from b/c of the parents' r. Not that you wanted that, but it's just something I feel bad about, on top of the rest of your situation...

Anyhow, I am tempted to suggest ways to reach her via the kids (yours telling hers that you have done a lot of work on yourself and that you are a changed/improved man, etc).


My D7 is pretty devastated. Her biological mother had mental health issues (substance abuse + bipolar) and left a few years ago to live on the W. Coast. She hasn’t seen either kid since early 2011. So my D7 was really enjoying having a mother figure back in her life. My WAW hasn’t had any contact with my kids either. My SD turns 16 on Monday. My kids and I mailed a birthday card with a gift card inside to my WAW, but I don’t know if she will give it to her. (I ran this move by my DB coach first, btw.)


But 2 things give me pause. First, you need to work on your stuff a lot more than you need to work on getting her back. Besides, getting her back won't last anyhow, if you don't also do YOUR work. The focus needs to be on making sure you are TOTALLY prepared for a chance at a stressful situation in which you do NOT lose it.

Do you have positive role models for that? Most of know what NOT to do, but when things get hard, we revert to our learned habits...a dear friend of mine, "DG", is a truly great dad and husband, but his own father did a poor job at both. (In fact, his dad ended his own life after his 3rd wife left him.) Yet DG broke the cycle.

How? DG hung around his pastor like you are, and he sought out time with his father in law (a great role model for handling stress without anger). DG is proof that it CAN be done. But yeah, he once told me that he needed some new role models after his dad's suicide, and so, he sought them out and got them. And now his son is married and is calm, loving, strong. All because of DG's work, done despite his own grief about his dad.


Agreed. I have recommitted myself to a meditation practice with a group and have started attending discussion groups at a church here. I have been sober in AA for 12 years (I’ll say this since this is an anonymous forum) and have been working closely with my sponsor the past couple of months about my temper. And have been going to IC 2x/wk.

I went to church last night. This is a church that my W took the kids to. I didn’t attend out of stubbornness and a desire for some alone time, but she did get to know the pastor a bit. He’s a good guy and I’ve been opening up to him the past few weeks. Last night he said he has been praying for us and would be willing to try to counsel us or at least dialogue with us both if she would be willing. My intuition tells me that she would probably like the pastor as a third person more than the MC, but I’m leery of my intuition these days b/c I was so mistaken about our marriage. My DB coach said to go dark for two weeks then call him. That would mean late next week. I’m itching to call sooner and see if he has a plan to reach out to the WAW about the pastor’s offer; however, I’ve decided to stay disciplined and wait to set up another appointment w/him.


I don't know a thing about your family life or history or why your first marriage ended. But I do know people can change. Whether it's in time to stop the divorce, I can't say. But I can say that a divorce is merely a piece of paper. You can reconnect and even date and yes, remarry after a divorce. I have 2 family members who remarried after a divorce.

So it happens.


How is YOUR OWN WORK going now? Is your 12 step program about anger? And are you GAL? We hammer it here for one huge reason: it works.


Well, I’ve been working at spending more time with friends – lunches, coffee, etc. The kids and I did martial arts together for a couple years before the split and I’m planning on resuming classes with the kids this weekend. Get some fitness for all of us.


Hang in there and if you have a specific interaction then maybe we can help you more.

Thank you. I’ve really appreciated your thoughtful replies.

25,

I wanted to let you know that i took your correspondence with me this morning to my IC. She thought your views of what women want/need were spot on and she was glad I was getting your perspective. I've re-read what you wrote a few times and it's sinking in more.

So thanks again.

25,

re: the letter i mentioned and your response, do you have any ideas for actions I can take to demonstrate that I understand that I've hurt my WAW and want to make amends?

I don't know if anyone is reading this topic - I'm posting quite a bit and it feels like it's not connecting with anyone, but it is helping me to vent a bit.

I got DR in the mail (read DB a couple of weeks ago). Scheduled a coaching session for Monday. DR got me in a good frame of mind yesterday. Actually, it made me a little angry about my sitch. W leaving me and my two kids w/o any contact since. I've had no contact w/SS, with whom I was very close. I'm being forced to get rid of the house w/o her income. And when she left she blamed me for every problem in the R.

So I actually went to bed with more resolve to stick to the going dark. This morning I took my kids to a family martial arts lesson for the first time in 2.5 months. We used to all go as a family. I wanted to get exercise, get my kids some exercise and reclaim the class. Everyone was welcoming and nice, but on the drive home I began to cry. It reminded me of two years when we had that routine of driving to and from class 3x/wk, my W and i in the front seat, listening to the radio. Also, my house is showing for the first time today, so my kids and i are frantically cleaning in order to get it ready. And i bagged up the remaining clothes and shoes that my W left in our closet and am taking them to a clothing swap today. All these things really hit me at once and I have spent the past 1.5 hours crying off and on. My kids keep coming to me and giving me hugs and I keep reassuring them that everything is fine.

Man, I thought i was past this emotional upheaval. I'm getting through hour by hour. Reading the forum, looking forward to some time to read more DR today, looking forward to my coaching session on Monday. Trying to GAL is still hard.

I feel sorta pathetic posting like this and don't know if anyone is there, but I appreciate this forum being there nonetheless.

-John

Being NC is hard. Especially when you're working on yourself and discovering new things AND wanting to work on your marriage. It can be a very lonely process.

You and I are on the same timeline and I can tell you that I am still having emotional upheavals. It usually has t do with experiencing a "first" without my H or having a realization or thinking back to where my R was in the past. Hell, I've cried this week over a Christmas tree, sitting in a box. I think it's mocking me (not really, but it reminds me that my H isn't here. And our traditions and how I vowed I would never have a fake tree.....and just typing this makes me tears eyed).

Add in to your sitch the holidays, your anniversary month, missing your SS, selling your house - it's ALOT. Take it day by day, that's all you can do. And listen to 25 - she's got a lot of wisdom and you're lucky that she's sharing it with you.

Keep sharing, if nothing else, as a way to vent.

Hey guys, I feel your pain. For me the snap back to the past was someone talking about a trailer. Made me think of the Christmas trip to Disneyworld where we stayed in one of the trailer at the Fort Wilderness campground. Man it was record cold, and it all felt like it happened yesterday.

Just steel yourself for it happening all the time for a while. What is most people's biggest fear? That of the unknown. Well we know it's gonna happen. The bugger is we just don't know when.

Praying for y'all.

It's nice to be able to admit to breaking down and crying. There's still a part of me that tells me a man shouldn't.

I totally get the Christmas tree and trailer being triggers. This morning when I was getting blubbery driving back from Tae Kwon Do, songs by KISS and AC/DC came on the radio. Those CDs were always in my wife's car b/c my kids loved listening to them (and we listened to them a lot b/c they were better than the usual junk on the radio). When they came on the radio today, i actually laughed and thought, "You've got to be kidding me!".

Hey okjpc, I'm a few months ahead of you in the timeline. Like you there hasn't been a whole lot of contact between me and my H since he moved out. It's hard! I can tell you that it get's easier, but that doesn't mean that the tears will go away. I've gone weeks without tears but they've made a reappearance this weekend for no reason in particular. Actually that just tells me that I'm not ready to give up.

Thank you all for the conversation. My kids spent the night at grandparents, so I had my first night away from them in a few weeks. Went out with a couple friends and had some good talks and laughs. Driving home I was thinking, "You know what? Screw her. Yes, we were fighting and I was pretty angry the last couple of months she was in the house, but I tried repeatedly to talk about the issues that were on the table and she refused to communicate about them. I tried to do MC with her and she stopped coming after two sessions. She left my children after she assured my daughter that she would never leave her (like her biological mother did). She broke off contact between my S&D and SS&SD and me from SS&SD. She severed all financial ties, said that I had destroyed the family, that she was never coming back, and has steadfastly refused to communicate for two months. So why would I want to be married to her?! Yes, I love her deeply and can't imagine life with anyone else but her, but she has acted in an appalling way."

It was the first real feeling of detachment I have experienced since she left. And the first evidence of my GAL efforts paying off.