Could posting the IMs be just a justification for the d and/or position of wanting it? I know when my h was wanting the d, he found everything and anything wrong with me so that he could go out and date, not work on m. Made him feel better.
I agree with you Shiny...maybe the big questions is
Quote: David, do I think you've done everything to help save your M? Worked the DB process?
As you probably know, she was able to get a continuance on our D hearing yesterday. We spoke for quite a while yesterday morning, and we seemed to be getting along relatively well. Since I'm off work this week, I asked about heading to the house to sort through some of my things. She said no, not unless she's there.
Yesterday afternoon, she left about 4 or 5 angry/upset voice mails for me at work, and 6 or 8 on my cell phone. She was leaving one every 5 - 10 minutes. She's back to threatening to burn anything of mine left in the house, making snide comments about me and "my whore", etc. She apparently got upset about something to do with the attorneys, but never said what. I tried calling her back around 5:30, but didn't get an answer at home or on the cell phone.
Later in the evening, she left a voice mail that she'd settled down. She said she'd apparently left her car lights on, and couldn't even row up the windows. She asked if I could drive over and jump the car. I drove over late last night and tried, but it wouldn't start. She then told me she'd already had someone jump it, but it wouldn't start after that. I offered to give her a ride to work if she couldn't get one. I also offered to replace the battery for her since it sounds like the problem. She asked if I wanted to come into the house for a while, then proceeded to give me an R lecture when I did. I'm really sick of hearing her two-faced morality lectures.
Now, I find out that she's contacting my co-workers again to check-up on me, making sure that it really was a work requirement that I take off this week! She knows how angry this makes me! This is more of the same crap that we've gone through for the past several years, and one of the major reasons I decided to D her.
I'm very tired of hearing that I'm trying to screw her in the divorce. If I were trying to do that, I wouldn't have gotten the two continuances to give her time to prepare herself emotionally, and I would have had her either evicted from the house or required to take over the mortgage when she changed the locks. If she doesn't think the offer is fair, why take several months (and counting) to respond to it?
I realize this isn't the best place for a WAH to vent, but you guys are usually pretty good at pointing out my contribution to the problem, and at giving advice on how to change things.
I love Pam dearly and hope that she has not reverted to these behaviors. If she has then I'll be very disapointed in her.
So, let me try to talk to you as if I don't have a friendship/love for Pam...as if I don't know her.
This must be very frustrating for you.
And a bit scary.
To have someone not accept that a divorce is immenent and then threaten you or your possessions harm is unfortunately a very typical emotional response.
That doesn't make it easy to deal with.
I suggest contacting your boss or the phone company. Explain the situation and ask to block her incoming calls.
I know this isn't an ideal solution, I'm sure you don't want your co-workers knowing your private business.
But, having her call them to demand information about you is out of line. And against the principles of DBing.
On the other hand...I think you have a clear cut goal here.
Goal:
To have your stbx stop calling your co-workers at work.
Baby steps:
How will you know when you are getting closer to your goal?
Perhaps the stbx only leaves you 5 emails instead of 6.
Perhaps she only calls you 3 times instead of 4.
How can your reward her for these babysteps?
Any ideas?
I'm hoping someone else will pop in and offer some more suggestions.
I understand that this is an emotional issue and am sending you comfort and hugs.
I love Pam dearly and hope that she has not reverted to these behaviors. If she has then I'll be very disapointed in her.
Try not to be disappointed in her. I know she's upset. She had been doing better. Sometimes though, it just infuriates me when she does these things.
Quote: This must be very frustrating for you.
And a bit scary.
Yes, and yes.
Quote: To have someone not accept that a divorce is immenent and then threaten you or your possessions harm is unfortunately a very typical emotional response.
That doesn't make it easy to deal with.
None of this is easy. It's not easy for anyone affected.
Quote: I suggest contacting your boss or the phone company. Explain the situation and ask to block her incoming calls.
I was hoping we'd be able to get through this without it getting ugly. I know we still need to talk to each other.
Quote: I know this isn't an ideal solution, I'm sure you don't want your co-workers knowing your private business.
But, having her call them to demand information about you is out of line. And against the principles of DBing.
This has always been a way to push my button, and she knows that. We've had this discussion several times.
Quote: Goal:
To have your stbx stop calling your co-workers at work.
Baby steps:
How will you know when you are getting closer to your goal?
Perhaps the stbx only leaves you 5 emails instead of 6.
Perhaps she only calls you 3 times instead of 4.
How can your reward her for these babysteps?
Any ideas?
I thought she'd quit doing that. I was actually proud of her her for that. I think that's part of the reason it hurt so much.
I felt it was a betrayal of my trust in her.... that she wouldn't keep contacting coworkers, and won't destroy my belongings. Pam is a good person, and I wouldn't have left my belongings there if I didn't think so. She does make it very difficult at times though.
Her actions yesterday scared me because I've seen them before when she was first starting to really spiral downward. They obviously made me angry also.
Her actions yesterday scared me because I've seen them before when she was first starting to really spiral downward. They obviously made me angry also.
That's completely understandable that you'd feel betrayed, scared, and angry.
A popular saying is that the situation is not what is important...only your re-action is.
What action can you choose to influence this situation for the better?
Take your time thinking about what you can do to make a positive influence on this situation.
When thinking about it, see if you can remember times in the past where something similar came up and the issue was eased/resolved. Can you remember what you did that may have contributed to the positive change?
I'd also suggest having you break out your copy of Divorce Busting and see if you can get ideas from it under then techniques section.
Quote: Try not to be disappointed in her. I know she's upset. She had been doing better. Sometimes though, it just infuriates me when she does these things.
I understand how frustrating it must be to see someone slip into old behavior patterns but I think you should take a look at what you said here. Pam was doing much better right? People make mistakes, they slip back into old patterns, they get upset (aka backsliding).
Right now you're still pretty sensitive to all of this stuff because it is what has caused the D in your mind. I'm not saying you're not allowed to be angry... but how do you think this sensitivity affects how you react to Pam and especially her recent backslide?
You are standing in the doorway of divorce and as much as it is painful to Pam to be facing that fact, the reality is, she can not control you or your decision to follow through with it.
If her behavior was as you've stated above, then her actions were deplorable. She DOES know better, she's been on the BB long enough to know that she crossed the line...but CHOSE to do so anyway.
I ache for Pam and the pain that she continues to inflict upon herself by her inability to draw upon the emotional and intellectual strength, that I know she has, to deal with this heartbreaking situation in a mature and self elevating manner.
There is no doubt in my mind that in her periods of calm she is well aware of the damage, that she continues to cause, any hope of retaining some semblence of a civil and mutually respectful relationship with you.
This is a difficult time for Pam. This is the closing of the door on a huge chapter in her life, she just hasn't seen ahead far enough yet to know that there IS life beyond her relationship with you, and very possibly a more satisfying and happier one then she'd ever have imagined possible. T2
I think the best thing I can do at this point is not make too much of an issue over it with P. I think you're right that I need to act as if she's just hurting.
I think P forgets that the WAS hurts also in these situations. Her routine little jabs hurt. Lately, she's been saying lots of things that appear to be attempts at pushing my buttons. I'm trying to let them bounce off of me, but don't always. I think I need to be particularly careful when I'm tired or not feeling well.
