Pam feels that you don't allow her any opportunity to discuss the divorce settlement. She is obviously going through a very painful time right now, so perhaps at least you can make discussing the divorce issues easier, by giving her your time and attention outside of working hours, if that is not the case now?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I do understand Pam not being happy about full posting of IM's. In the future, you might summarize what you think the conversations are about rather than verbatim posting. In her shoes, I would probably feel violated by that. On the other hand, I get the idea that you wouldn't be able to summarize because you don't understand what she is saying or read between the lines very well.
As for us "turning on her", I wish she had more faith in us, but that lack of trust is, unfortunately one of the lasting effects of feeling massively betrayed (by both you and the female "friends" involved in the sitch). She will probably be dealing with the reaction to the betrayal for a long time to come.
Me thinks you need an interpreter of Venus-speak, and some suggestions on how to speak enough of that language to be understood by her.
Hi, CHL. Welcome back to the bb! I too had to take a break from it, but it was mostly because I had started to forget the difference between the real world and the virtual world... In any case a vacation is not all bad...
I'll go through the e-mails later and try to offer some help.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Welcome back to the BB. I've never posted much to you, but have always appreciated learning your perspective on your and Pam's sitch.
I am sending message with some hesitation and want you to know that my opinion is offered with support and kindness. My take on this is that it isn't over. I don't know how much you have looked into the Five Love Languages, but Pam obviously needs Quality Time with you. She looks forward to your haircut appointment the way my kids look forward to the circus.
I know she is driving you nuts with IM and VM and email, but if you were meeting her needs of spending time together, she wouldn't need to use them. You obviously have needs that she wasn't meeting of yours either or you wouldn't have turned to another woman. I know it is not as simple as that, but then again, maybe it is.
I am being brutally honest here, which is awkward given that I don't know you outside the boards, but then maybe that makes it easier too.
Just so you know my perspective, my H moved out, but hasn't had an OW. He just wasn't happy. Once we got past the pain and anger and stepped back to look at where we were in our relationship, he and I have had a better relationship. One of his Love Languages is Affection - and believe me, his cup overfloweth in that area these days. In turn, he is spending lots of Quality Time with me and the kids, which is one of my LL. What stops him from moving back home, I don't know - I think time will bring him home.
But see what I mean? Find the time to spend with her - lay it on the line. Acknowledge that you both have not been good at meeting each other's needs, but that you are willing to try.
Is the OW really the answer? In the long run, will she continue to meet your needs? Doesn't she have behaviors that could drive you nuts in the long run too? Or visa versa? Is it the excitement of the affair that drives your relationship?
If any of these questions give you pause, then remember back to what brought you and Pam together. Try to recapture that before throwing everything away.
What are you in a hurry for? Your unhappiness didn't happen overnight. Your relationship deserves that both of you work together to improve when and how you communicate. Who knows what might happen? What is the worst thing that can happen - You click back into place as a couple...if not, you work out a fair settlement as friends, not adversaries.
JMHO.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Welcome back to the BB, it is good to see you here again.
I haven't really much to add to what has been said so far other then I hope that we see more actual posts from you, a sharing of your thoughts, feelings and frustrations surrounding your sitch rather then just postings of IM's. It would also make it easier to read if you maybe would just paste the relevant snippets that cause you the most confusion and perhaps give us YOUR take on them?
It is helpful seeing both sides of the sitch and you have been missed around here. I look forward to hopefully reading more. THere are no "sides" as far as I am concerned...just many confused perceptions.
Hugz, zoo
"If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm."
- Mahatma Gandhi
It's okay, I just think they each need to have the same ground rules when it comes to the board. I know it concerns Pam but she did start posting chats with D previously to show what was going on. Its the same thing he is doing and I think its actually beneficial to get both sides.
But if she doesn't want it, she can't post the chats either.
I was going to e-mail you, but when the window popped up I remembered promising CJ not to let the bb become more than the bb....
I'm writing this, rather half expecting that Pam is reading...maybe I'm projecting, but I think I'd be reading were I in her shoes...it's almost like "what's there to lose at this point?...might as well get some info somewhere"
David, do I think you've done everything to help save your M? Worked the DB process? No, I don't.
I've felt an undercurrent of just plain wanting out from day one.
Has this changed at all? If not, then why are you putting off (or should this be past tense after Sunday???) coming clean, telling Pam in no uncertain terms, Working on the settlement etc.
What is the worst thing that could happen?
I think by dragging things on and shutting Pam out of this you are making things worse...playing on all her fears, feeding mood swings, all the incessant contact from her is made worse by the looming court date...
Talk to you later, phone call coming in...gotta run
I know it concerns Pam but she did start posting chats with D previously to show what was going on. Its the same thing he is doing and I think its actually beneficial to get both sides.