Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Life 2.0 Part 2

This is so awesome and you're doing great. I hope your W realizes what kind of man she has, someone that won't give up on her and is willing to fight for the love between them.

The only thing I'd suggest is making sure she knows that while it's not going to be easy because of the route SHE chose with infidelity, you do love her. That will keep her going when times get rough.

This is her way way of temp checking you, to see how serious you are.

Really you don't want to tolerate the a, And no one want to be plan b.
actions show if your walking away.

I'm getting it all right now. Contrition, apologies, gratitude for me being patient and standing by her. She's asking me what we need to do to make our lives better.

The woman who not 24 hours ago said she felt no sexual attraction to me just asked to make love

I know things are far from over, but can I start saying the word 'piecing'?

Oh yes raz, for sure, you are piecing.

You need some xtra DB mates here, you could consider moving to the piecing forum but certainly reading those threads and asking questions of those guys and gals ahead of you in the piecing by a few months will be of value. You are certainly stages beyond my experience. I believe the vets mentioned a couple of DBers with more advanced piecing sitches in your last thread but no doubt there are those in piecing whose sitches will resonate for you.

Really pleased for you, but there is much work ahead and seems like you get only limited numbers of chances at piecing. Will be cheering from the sidelines too. Time for some piecing!

Cheering very loudly
Vanilla

Sorry, LBS, but asking to make love may not be the sign you hope it is. I think she may be taking a test drive to see if it sparks anything for her. If you have not already ML, you may want to postpone it a few days. She is worried about the lack of attraction. Why would she suddenly ask you to ML? Most women need other parts of the M to be better before they want to ML. She is still letting her emotions guide her. If she doesn't have her expectations met through sex, she will use that to convince herself she will never get the attraction back.

I'm sure it would be difficult for you, but don't be in too big of a hurry, b/c she isn't really ready. Even though most men want to have sex to work out the problems, most women are not geared in the same way.

Rzr,

I agree with Sandi. You are in quasi-piecing...not fully there.
To add to Sandi's comments, I would suggest that you focus on the emotional part as a way to re-attract W. Remember how you first started dating W? That slow chase. Get back to that stage.

Forget ML for a while. You need to work on re-connecting as friends, romantic partners, then go for home run.

You might want to try find sticky cards or love coupons that you can tear off and post on the bathroom mirror. I used them all the time with Ms. Wonka. In your case, I would suggest going with the tame ones and be sure they're far apart as you don't want to smother W with those gestures.

That makes sense. Unfortunately I let loneliness and Pinot Grigio do the thinking and we did ML last night. So far today she has been extremely warm towards me and upbeat about our M, although she does admit she gets a little panicky if she has too much downtime. I'm just watching her, pulling back on the physical and working on refilling that love tank.

She hasnt been giddy. I did verify as far as I can that there have been no more communication from OM

Rzr,

You are human with feelings and needs. Totally get that. Don't beat yourself up too much. Yeah, just be mindful of the dynamic.

Well that is good to hear. If she had pulled back, I would have been concerned it was too early. What is her LL?

No, so far she's done anything but pull back. She does say that she still fills anxiety but it's more remorse for what she did to me. She's still warm and affectionate, she talks about our future and what we're going to do better as a couple. She liked my assertion that I wasn't fighting to go back to the way things were, but to build a new relationship that's better than the old one.

I need to re read 5LL. I'm not sure about a primary LL but if I had to pick two I would say Acts of Service and Quality Time, with maybe a little Words of Affirmation. This is based on her primary legitimate complaints about me.

Acts of Service - She wants to trust that her man has her back and will take care of her. She feels secure when I take initiative to do things around the house that need to get done, whether it's home repair or helping the kids with homework. In the past I would often react negatively if she asked me to do something and it was interfering with whatever I was working on. I would roll my eyes and sigh and act like she was imposing. She wants to feel like we're a team that takes care of each other. "Us against the world". She wants to feel like we're building something together.

Quality Time - just like it sounds, spending time together, whether it's running errands, working on a project together, watching a movie or a TV show, or something more romantic. Often I would hide behind my computer and we'd barely talk over the course of an evening. That was a legitimate complaint.

Words of Affirmation - she wants to feel valued and appreciated as a woman and an individual, not just as a wife and mother.