I want to act in the best way now consistent wih my goal. I see this morning I was not thinking about my goal. I missed an opportunity to be better me. I'm trying to think of what better me would do out now. I have trouble getting past her choice right now.
What can I say now that would be healing? How do I lead for myself and s11 right now given how disappointed she says she is? How can I tolerate her saying she's disappointed without hammering her again for getting us here? Am I even asking the right questions?
I haven't eaten yet. I see I can't do that again.
I think I have to let her know how to approach me with her needs now.
I'm at a loss. I can't screw up like this again. Is there a boundary I can set for our interactions on making these decisions and what would be the best way to deliver it? I want to take the high ground and do what's right while showing I'm moving on.
HP, at this stage of your sitch (HOW long have you been at this? HOW many posts? HOW many responses by people to you?), you have GOT to learn to invest about 98% less angst and DRAMA into simple things like what happened this morning. Contrast your gut-wrenching drama above with my proposed simple response (or something similar to it).
I know this is difficult, but this should be FAR more second-nature to you at this point. Your wife's statements and behavior I find to be ENTIRELY predictable, with very few variations, and you know her far better than I do. Having a couple of canned, stock answers at the ready -- and the over-arching detached attitude to go along with them -- should be the EASY part of this stage for you. Dealing with the real "meat" of your strategy and how to care for S11, etc., should be where you invest your mental and emotional focus. These simple, entirely-unnecessary exchanges with your practically-unhinged wife shouldn't be what saps your strength.
A: "(Wife), I hope we will *always* be able to talk about S11. I'm sure you would agree that he is our most important priority. Not every time will be as good as another however. I will try going forward to suggest a better time for us to talk when the immediate moment is not good for me, and I'm sorry if I came across as rude this morning."
I've also decided to get a DB coach. I was so scattered this morning and I'm tired of putting so much pressure on myself with every interaction especially when I know I don't have to. I'm tired of my ups and downs.
Response... "Hi HP. This text means so very much to me. You are right. I should have been more sensitive to the fact that you were getting ready to leave. Thank you HP. I hope your launch is going well. My mom wants you to know that she loves you."
FWIW... I'm in the office today to support a product launch. I mentioned that at the end of a phone call it sees she was listening to while she was in the room. It seems she told her mom about our separation today as well.
I'm going to respond... "Thank you."
So now I'm back to friendly but brief with her these last few days together?
Me: 44 W: 45 S: 11 Married: 15 Together: 18 BD: 9/29/2014 OM discovered: 10/16/2014 I left her behind: 12/14/2014
Yes. Treat her like a neighbor down the street with whom you are friendly. If it has to do with S11, treat her like the mother of your child that she is.
"I am so disappointed we can't talk. Once again I think a mediator will be good for the situation."
"This is extremely difficult for all of us. In the future, please do not approach me with issues when I'm preparing to leave for work. That time frame does not work well. I suggest we save all discussions till after work."
*****************************************
Regarding your son asking why you just can't forgive mom, you probably need to tell him something like, "I know this is hard for you, and seems like it should be easy to fix. However, sometimes something happens between a H & W that is very painful, and they can't talk about the details to anyone else for a while".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I love the wording on the text HP. You are doing really well, exceptionally so.
Perhaps this is an English thing (two nations divided by the same language) bit I prefer the word apologise instead of sorry. Sorry is a word I use when I have done something that I should not have done, apologise is what I use when my action is ok in my eyes but has had a bad effect.
For example I had to cancel leading my group meeting tonight as my tooth is rather sore and I am having difficulty talking with the ulcers. So I apologised for the inconvience of asking another to lead for me. But I am not sorry as I haven't done anything to cause this.
I am really encouraged for HP Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/11/1405:49 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
HP: You and I sound a lot alike in that we're both reactive. I affectionately referr to myself as a "hot head", but I know it's one of my flaws and I try to reign it in.
Shortly before BD, probably six months before, I went to my primary care doctor and got put on an antidepressant for unrelated issues -- it's an off-label prescription, meaning it's treating another, approved diagnosis (PMDD in my case, you don't have those hormones! ;)). I found that it actually helped me control my reactions. I was better able to think, calm down, and not be so quick to let my emotion in the moment dictate how I acted.
It was signifigant a change that BF noticed it and stated more than once that I had "changed for the better" since I got on it. Unfortunately it came far too late to make a difference to stopping a BD in our sitch, but there you go.
Are you seeing an IC? Can you ask if there's something that might help your moods?
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Americans, generally speaking, are way over medicated IMO. AD's isn't always the answer. I think HP's situation will improve once he moves to the condo.
I can't imagine doing cold showers!! No way! I like my hot water, thank you very much.
