Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy New here and need to know I'm not crazy

I don't think you received good advice about mc...... it needs to be addressed, if you pretend like the affair didn't happen you just bury the anger.

I strongly suggest you find a good mc that has a background in solution based therapy.

I don't think we're pretending like it didn't happen at all. We talk about it all the time; our feelings, why it happened, what he can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's just that we discuss it on our own terms, without scheduling time to go see a counselor and rehash all the details to someone else. I hope that makes sense. If we weren't doing these things on our own then I would definitely agree with you twinmom about going to mc.

Sorry sam, but I am going to have to suggest you RUN AWAY from that counselor. He/she must have some serious issues and may be working in the wrong field to actually push anyone away from counseling. An A is not something to sweep under the rug. Your anger should be your first indicator showing you that you DO have issues that need to be addressed. Talking about the A often is probably one of the things fueling your anger as well... But not being open to external input on your M issues will leave you with limited tools to fix what is really wrong.

Please seriously reconsider getting marriage counseling.

You're on my mind Sam. I read in a book that there is such a thing called cheap forgiveness. The MC sessions should really be for you, so you have a safe place where you can let your feelings be known about your pain and hurt. This can also help your H to feel relief in the day to day once he sees you are trying to move on but not holding him ransom all the time.

I know this is so difficult, you have been through so much already. Rehashing everything might feel painful, but only you know when you're through talking about your hurt and ready to move to the next step.

Praying for you.

Sam,

I am with other posters about finding a different MC that focuses on solution-based therapy. A good and efficient MC will aid you two in looking at the hows and whys of the A which was a symptom of the M itself.

The really good ones just don't let you two to "rehash" things from the past, but rather look at them from a different set of lens so you and H can recognize the patterns as a way to change them as to allow you two to become a stronger and unified team.

At least, I would strongly suggest that you and H go to Retrouaville. I've heard many posters swear by it and many have come out from the experience much stronger for it.

Thank you UpperCut and Wonka, and twinmom. You know, you may be right about finding a new counselor. That probably is a big reason why I'm feeling so much anger, because I feel like I'm doing all the work while he is being forgiven and is reaping the benefits of a changed wife. I never really looked at it that way before. My counselor says that at the 3.5 month mark, many people feel the anger and it's very normal. Have you heard that before?

Sounds like a very specific anger timeline! I think anger may be felt by the LBS at any point & possibly for some time! Forgiveness is a gift that takes a good while and a great deal of work...

Sorry but I think your C is crazy and you need to RUN! No one can say down to the week when it's normal to feel anger. Between this and suggesting no MC I think this person is bad for your marriage.

Seek out a second opinion

Your H needs to see a C too or at the very least, needs to go to MC with you. No matter how great you believe your communication is, you need someone to give you a playbook to follow and follow through with.

How about a marriage retreat?