I have three kids. I totally hear you about feeling everybody coming at you all at once. Is is a boundary I have learned to enforce with my kids really consistently. With one adult in the household and three children, it was a matter of necessary self-defense. That means I laugh at requests to stay up late. Bedtime is absolutely firm and not negotiable, except on weekends (and even then any change is explained in advance).
I've never had a dog, only a cat. So I can't help you there.
Why is it ok to live without knowing?
Do you read the last page of a novel first?
The truth is, you don't get a choice. Life is lived in a state of uncertainty. We can live it gracefully, and with kindness to ourselves and those around us, or we can live in a state of constant anxiety, sapping ourselves of the happiness available to each moment and wearing out our loved ones with our neediness.
How would you rather live?
You've come a long way, baby. Merry Christmas.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
H texted me telling me about D falling asleep ok (she hadn't been feeling well so I wanted to know). Here's our convo:
Me: thanks for letting me know. I'm very glad!
Listen, I apologize for my snap when you guys left this evening. I really do NOT handle two people talking to me and the dog barking and knocking over the plant all at once very well. The expectation that I can answer everyone's needs in those moments is just too much.
H: I didn't need anything at all. It's fine. I got it so I just took D out.
Me: no, it's not stuff you need, it's questions. My our ask a question, D asks another question, the dog barks and buts my cheek, then you ask another question, D says, "MOM!!", you say something else, I can't hear you because the dog us barking, I ask you to repeat, you forgot what you said, D asks another question, the dog knocks over the plant, and starts to climb the stairs stepping in the dirt from the plant....
It's insanity. There have to be cameras installed somewhere because I swear I'm being set up.
I am for sure not a vet, but I have a possible 180 idea for you. Next time H loses his keys, phone, etc. and all the chaos is ensuing maybe try ignoring him. (I don't mean rudely) but just remove yourself from the equation somehow, like when you see it coming, see if you can slip away until everyone calms down. Go take a bath, lie down, keep yourself busy with something else in another room. Whatever you have to do. Can you take said dog for a walk during said situation?
I read something a while back about a woman who was constantly running into conflicts with her husband over his lost keys and other items, so the next time he was walking around the house in a panic trying to find his keys, etc. she just ignored him and didn't intervene and it apparently worked in terms of reducing their conflict. Every situation is different though and you mentioned your H asks you where his phone and keys are.
Just wanted to chime in a quick thought. I understand about the resentfulness of the limbo. That's where I'm at. The marriage is over, but when I see H with his ring on and nothing's been filed yet, I think, is it really over? That's when I know I need to detach. But the limbo thing sux, I know.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Not really familiar with you sitch, just read a few of your last posts and I really feel for you. You're D sounds extremely smart for a 7 year old, wow!
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I'm not allowing myself to see anything in it for myself but if he is giving her false hope I might have to remove all of his toe nails slowly, one by one.
Love this, oh the things I wish I could do to my H sometimes! Thanks for the smile!
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I'm feeling so lost. I've learned not to hit H with a R talk but man, I feel like I'm in a spiral of unknown. I don't want the unknown to define me but I'm struggling without solid answers. I'm desperate to find pluses in my situation but I'll admit, seeing those pluses, no matter how small, set me up for false day dreaming and hope, which I really don't need.
I am right here with you on this. Have not had a R talk with H since July, at that time he was firm there was no chance and he was filing for an uncontested D. He came home from overseas and has been living in our home since Oct (separate room). No D talk but he has not filed or told our kids. Sometimes I feel hopeful, other times hopeless. Trying to detach but really struggling with it.
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The holidays are hard because I'm seeing H too much. I do so much better when I don't see him or have to coordinate with him. This shouldn't be this hard after 5 months.
It's been 10 months for me and still very hard. Eventually we will come out the other side. Hang in there.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Lorilai and Lost, thanks for stopping by! Maybell, I don't know how you juggle three kids coming at you at once. You're my hero!!
And maybell, you're right. I guess I'll have to keep reading the novel to see how it ends. Am I allowed to kill off the husband character? I don't mean kill him for real, jeez, I just mean proverbially, in this novel I'm writing where I don't know how it ends yet.
Trying to ignore H is an option, though it not sure if it'll backfire. He hates being ignored, a trigger from his childhood. I don't understand why I'm responsible for locating his things. I've tried removing myself from that co-dependence saying his stuff is his responsibility but he asks anyway and always at the most chaotic times I'm supposed to locate his phone, wallet, that one piece of paper he just put down right here... Man, it drives me insane!!
Then when he leaves I'm looking all over the place for this remote, that remote, the phone charger, D's spelling word list, my checkbook... It's frustrating but the MOST frustrating part about it is his inability to recognize the craziness of it and back the eff off and take on some accountability for your own chit, dude!!
Lost, yes my daughter is crazy smart. It's a little unnerving sometimes. It's a true blessing and she's awesome but she's tough and VERY difficult, too.
I really appreciate the support guys. I've been feeling like I've been flying solo lately. I forget that I just need to ask for help and it arrives. Kind of like the Bat Signal. If only I know what uR's bat signal looked like...
Ss, I'd never realized it before, but I go through the exact same stages that we talked about a couple of days ago. I just posted some details about what happened yesterday on my thread.
Ss, get a little box and label it H. Put it near the door or something. Tell him that is where you suggest he put his stuff when he is in your home. You can't control his behavior. But you do not have to get worked up over it, right? He's freaking out asking you where stuff is because he knows you'll jump to help. Just....don't. "I'm sorry, I don't know where that is. If I happen to see it I'll let you know." And go on your merry way. Don't enable his behavior. And don't let it get to you!
Can someone, anyone, help me understand why it's ok to live without knowing? Why is that an ok expectation of me?
I'm resentful of this limbo.
I know the feeling of being in limbo means I'm not sufficiently detached but my 13 year anniversary was yesterday and it's the holiday season so detachment right now is simply too much to ask.
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We put up the tree today. Easy and actually fun. I tried to hide the ornaments commemorating our first year of marriage, the year we got engaged, etc but D found them and insisted we out them on the tree together. Then she grabbed my phone and told us to pose in front of the tree together...
She's a smart and sneaky cookie.
D drew a picture, yes another one.
This one had all three of us inside a heart, smiling, holding hands. Above the heart H and I were kissing, the she and H were kissing and then she and I were kissing all with big hearts all around us.
I asked her what made her feel so much happier compared to the picture she drew just a few days ago that depicted so much loss and pain.
She said, "Dad said that sometimes people who get divorced can get married again and that made me happy but I still feel like I'm being pulled like a tug of war rope."
He said, what? First of all, if he said that just to appease her heart and make her feel better I want to punch him because now she has serious hope. Secondly, WHA?
I hope to not get divorced and then reunite, I want to reunite BEFORE a divorce but I know there's little I can do about that. I'm just super concerned about what H said to D. As she was drawing the picture he said, "oh yeah, she said she wanted to redraw the picture... I didn't say a word."
I don't know what that means.
I'm not allowing myself to see anything in it for myself but if he is giving her false hope I might have to remove all of his toe nails slowly, one by one.
Where are you labug, uRworthy, Mighty, Maybell, Shining? I sure could use your strength and wisdom, guidance, and support.
I'm feeling so lost. I've learned not to hit H with a R talk but man, I feel like I'm in a spiral of unknown. I don't want the unknown to define me but I'm struggling without solid answers. I'm desperate to find pluses in my situation but I'll admit, seeing those pluses, no matter how small, set me up for false day dreaming and hope, which I really don't need.
The holidays are hard because I'm seeing H too much. I do so much better when I don't see him or have to coordinate with him. This shouldn't be this hard after 5 months.
On a separate note, man, H and ad together are pure chaos. They get into it and D pushes H's buttons, he reciprocates, they pick at each other, she tests him, he tries to dominate her... It's just their dynamic.
Well I can only handle so much of it. It's like listening to an old bickering couple, it just goes on and on and on and on...
When they get going and the dog is barking in my face and D asks me if she can stay up late and then H asks me if I know where his phone is and they continue at it and the dog jumps up and knocks over a plant and dirt and water is spilled all over the place but that doesn't slow anyone down, D wants to know why she can't stay up late and H wants to know where his keys are and they go at it some more... All in a 30 second period. I swear I feel like there must be cameras somewhere because it's insanity.
H gets annoyed because I'm not answering his 20 questions that I can barely hear over D and the dog and then D gets upset because she's not getting what she wants and the dog is pissed because she just wants someone to pet her for goodness sake.... And I'm in the middle completely overwhelmed by what feels like 10 people needing my attention at one time and pissed because they can't have it RIGHT NOW.
This is how it is all the time when the three of us are together. In the past I've asked H to be more aware of those times (and maybe locate his own phone and keys for god sake!!) because I just can't handle everyone coming at me at once all the time. I have a freaking threshold!! He doesn't see what I'm talking about.
::sigh:: it wears me out like nothing else.
I like MB's post about the top paragraphs. Every moment on this earth is uncertain.
About the last part, remove yourself from the situation. Boundaries.
Keep chugging along, little train that could.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
