Quote: Is it possible for you to take a four-day excursion somewhere with lots of things to do and keep you occupied. Your processing so much informaiton right now, I think you may need to take a step back for YOU, never mind your wife. This can give you renewed energy and purpose in developing and carrying out your strategic plan. Remember, time is your friend and patience is golden.
This is an excellent idea. I've taken a bunch of little vacations and they each did wonders for my outlook, let me tell you. Esp. the beachy ones. Go find a relaxing getaway! Let your W wonder what you're up to while you take good care of yourself...
Seattle.......Merrick makes some good points. I know you've mentioned the lurking before but maybe it's time to focus on something else a bit. It does consume you at times and you try so hard to get those little treats from WAS that you want to anticipate the next step. We can't.
Take a breath and slow down. It will be there in a few more days. Rest up. There's a long journey ahead and you'll need your energy. Take care. Tootles.............
I'm proud of how you keep making the best of this whole ride, seriously! You are stronger through and through. Really seems like cautious warming on W's part, like typical WAS mode is in coming around. Would honestly let the car thing slip your mind if at all possible. Who knows, not like it has to mean anything, right? We can choose how to look at our sitches time and time again. Make me take my own advice,lol. I've had the experience of offering a favor, getting a "no" and then it being accepted later too. Like it gives them an excuse to call about kind of thing- look like they're "all business", but we know they wanted to contact us nonetheless. They don't want to look like they "need" us- but they want us around- so it's a total front. The "I'm really trying to figure out my life now" is HUGE! I got that from H too... like a subtle admittance to the fact they are considering or something. Thinking about you more than you know. See the opportunities in that, for sure. And how she's getting a little tired of the new crowd.. all signs of movement back to you, I see. Maybe continue to be cool "friend", taking those opps that you can for doing favors and stuff. WAS like to make their own pace, feel like they are in control of this.. I think the wall tumbles faster and sooner than we might know. Find those points to tap, like in emotional bonding through her probs she talks about or something. Or if you have similiar probs to relate to her on. Getting on the same page, so they feel you are an ally, a confidant, a best bud, a partner.
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
I think I read on Renew's thread that he also set boundaries too tight before. Making himself less available to her bids for communication. I had done this as well, so I'm very sensitive in making myself availble all the time for her. The 180 which I have been doing. I'm cautious about setting any boundaries, I don't want her to think its more of the same.
I think I will say I would prefer if we do not disucss papers and related subjects while I'm at work. I feel very dishoveled after we discuss those things while at work and it is very difficult for me to return to what I was doing before. I feel like my work is suffering. I am willing to talk about them in the morning before work, in the evening after work, and even on the weekends. I am more than happy to talk to you while I'm at work about anything else, feel free to call me at work anytime.
I think she will understand and be very respectful, I'll let you all know if she reacts otherwise, then she would have somthing else going on there.
I think this is being very accomodating while not being controlling or unavailable, what do you guys think?
Does she only bring this stuff up while I'm at work? Well, most of the time yes. She does not have a home phone, does not have email other than one at work that she never checks only the receptionist, and she claims her cell phone doesn't work at home. She has the one that has set boundaries on when I can contact her, it has been really tough because this is her 180, she was always available before. Sometimes I think she is doing this to have her control.
As for what I'm doing right now for me? My outlets have been sports leagues and looking into classes that interest me. Honestly, I've been living and breathing DRing and constantly looking for research. I'm sure everyone agrees, after all of that, the only time left for me is to sit and catch my breath.
I really do think that being a good friend and having a relaxed attitude has gone a long way. Unless I'm missing somthing, she seems to be sharing a lot of the heavy stuff with me and we laugh a little too. Sharing the heavy stuff, especially her fears and discouragement makes me think she is either testing me or doesn't really have anyone in that circle she can lean on in that way. Knowing her, she is talks enough she probably shares some of that with them too (to extent she feels comfortable but maybe not all), but may be testing both of us for reactions and monitoring for herself.
It just really sucks that she can go party it up with these good time friends and I'm not allowed to have much of her time in this way. How does one keep from being thought of only in context of problems etc?
She then also leans on me for support when sharing these things with me. I guess this means she is drawing closer. I'll have to read back on some posts to see if she had been doing this much before.
Quote: I am willing to talk about them in the morning before work, in the evening after work, and even on the weekends. I am more than happy to talk to you while I'm at work about anything else, feel free to call me at work anytime.
I think that sounds good, remember it's all in the presentation.
And regarding the kind of conversations you have with her, I think you should feel fortunate that she is willing to discuss the heavy stuff with you, and that you can listen and validate and support her in these convos. I was talking with my IC recently, and we were talking about how OM may get to go out to dinner and a movie w/ W, but she is spending real "life" time (the important time, quality time, as opposed to artificial event driven time) with me. This kind of sharing is of real life--this is where trust builds, and where intimacy can follow...
Seattle, just wanted to send some ((((((((((()))))))))) your way and let you know I'm thinking of you. Don't really have anything to add at this point. Just keep your head up and do what you know is working. The WAS sure is a tough one to crack and believe that things will work out but in any case, you'll do just fine. Tootles..........
Renew - I really like what your C said about quality time and artifical time. It is what builds intimacy. Funny she even said the good thing about family is they won't abandon you even in the rough times. I would like to think she still thinks of me in that way.
I've really been having a tough time the past couple days with detachment given when she draws closer, she then pulls back. Share with me her deepest concerns and fears, then is cold and still with whoever.
I've been trying to think if I'm overreacting emotionally since I've been feeling a bit violated from my last interactions with WAW. I've felt she was a little rude sun night when i dropped off tools at salon with all her GF there, especially mon. on phone with "7 of us here", and tues when she left VM was ok, but not friendly.
I haven't been able to really tell if i'm overreacting because of my emotions or not. Trying to look at these interaction if i were just a good friend to her, would I put up with this treatment? or would I let it slide?
My act as if is a relaxed friend (can't help using the intimate knowledge and connection to my advantage) attitude with no pressure that has essentially accepted her stated desires. This seems to be helping her be more comfortable with me and share with me more. Being her good friend, best bud, on her side, empahtizing with her feelings, has been good. I don't know if she really trusts anyone else out there the same as me since I know her best. So I don't want to jeopordize that.
At the same time, I need to do somthing for me. I've been prioritizing her first, then me. I'm thinking of flipping those and prioritizing me first. Not being selfish, but more consistent with my as if attitude. Of course still being open and available to her communication bids.
After some help from my friend Lyrael, I have been thinking of my approach next time she calls.
I was thinking of saying to her the next time we speak in a kind and gentle but firm tone "I don't really feel I can talk with you right now and I ask you don't call me for a few days." I could just leave it at that.
Or I could also add the following. Then do you think the following is too strong?
"I feel very hurt and feel that i have been trying my best to be a good friend. I really like it when we can talk and share openly, it is really nice. But i feel very hurt when i am treated so coldly and even feel rudely when i am making every effort to be a friend. I don't feel like i am being treated like a friend, or even being treated very well as a person."
This might be too pursing, too pressuring, increase guilt, or just complainging.
I could just request that she not call for a couple of days and leave it at that. I could then tell her after the couple of days are up why I did it. That might be better and add more mystery.
It might not be productive to share what I feel with her right now. She isn't in a position to hear me and understand those feelings right now?
