Boy can I relate to what you are thinking right now!
Seattle, the toughest thing for me to encounter is seeing my W associated with someone else. Its a hard hard pill to swallow. The fact you saw someone else driving her car lends to many assumptions and negative thoughts. Please don't get sucked into the negativity.
I wish I can say DON'T DO IT and the light switch will go off for you. (well, I did say it, did it go off?) The fact is this is the path your W is choosing, not you, and there isn't anything you can say right now to change it.
HOWEVER, there is something you can do. Every sitch is different in ways, so for me to apply what I have done is not necessarily the right answer for you. Besides, doing what I did would only damage your DB efforts, thats my opinion.
From what you wrote, it sounds as if you aren't really "listening" to what she is saying. I read the things you wrote, and it seems she is begging for some space right now. She has alot of things on her mind, including her business and her family. Is it possible that you only further cloud what she needs to think about, which is her?
You see, not only do you need to make yourseld a better person, but she does too, and it also seems that the opportunity is there for her. Let her do it.
I KNOW you want to help her in any way possible, to be there for her and help her out when you can. You mentioned that the talks you have on the phone have been great, but when you are side by side with her, things are cordial but seem like she is uncomfortable. Am I correct? Why do you think that is?
I may be shot for saying this, but it sounds as if the dog is a major player in her life right now, because if the dog is not there, she is truly alone. She may her new friends, but the dog is her love right now. Maybe that is why she has nightmares when the dog is not there. Just a thought.
Look bud, you are one of the great ones on the BB here. You know as well as anyone that you need to walk your own path right now. Your W needs to walk her path without you being in the way all the time. She has some thinking to do, let her do it. And I am NOT, repeat, NOT saying you need to go dark. Perform and monitor results.
This is all MHO my friend.
Okay, here's the hug that I owe you.
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Quote: You see, not only do you need to make yourself a better person, but she does too, and it also seems that the opportunity is there for her.
This is a true statement and needs some reflection Seattle.
Just step back a second and try not to keep on pushing w/words and actions. I'm with TripleJ, don't go dark but slow down and process it a little.
I know that I found that when I saw some progress I wanted to keep getting more and more like the rollercoaster was on full tilt and needed to keep going but truth is, they can't seem to process it all at once. They can only take in so much at a time and then they need a few more days, weeks to have another good interaction? Just a thought to consider. Things still looking good from where I stand. Tootles...........
We all need to listen to what everyone is saying. We want so hard to make things happen, anything. And at every litle bit of daylight, we try to run through the door. You are getting a lot of good interaction, but you know you are pushing and she can feel it and when she backs up, you get upset. We all do. W was here for 15 minutes today, we did not talk for more than 2, she was working on the computer and now she has not called tonight. I so want to pick up the phone and hear her voice, but I am not going to, because I would be disappointed at the outcome. Relax, impossible I know. We miss them everyday and can never understand their actions, but we have little choice but to go forward.
I thought Triple J had some very interesting observations that could apply to any of us. You know your sitch best, but it's some good food for thought on how you approach W. Good luck friend.
Seattle, be patient with her. Let her have a little space. The two of you seem to be having some really good interaction--just try to let it unfold at her pace more than yours, don't push too hard. Be available to her, don't go dark or disappear, but don't contact her as often as you feel the need.
Quote: ...it sounds as if the dog is a major player in her life right now, because if the dog is not there, she is truly alone. She may her new friends, but the dog is her love right now.
Thanks everyone! I do need to give her some space. I haven't initiated any calls since Fri, just responding to calls or requests. She called last night to ask if dog could stay with me one more night because she was still remodelling at salon and it would help her out. She was hurried and sounded frustrated she was still there. She wasn't much for small talk and she wanted to pick up dog when she is in kennel outside this afternoon while I'm at work. She won't be able to see me. I happily agreed ok. She said she would talk to me later this week, I said TTFN.
I'm thinking she might have been so short because she wants to get that done, but also since OM might have been there.
I've been trying to link her + interactions with me and the timing of which relative to the time of month (PMS as she has mentioned she is especially emotional then), what she is doing, where she is at, and day of week or time of day.
I have come to think that during her PMS times, she seems more emotionally open and willing to share thoughts and feelings with me. Also during times when she is feeling down or depressed, especially about things relating to her family, she also shares of herself more openly. These feelings as well as other details of her life. I also think that during the later parts of the week when she is at work (not around OM) she is usually more + then in beginning of the week when she has more free time and might be with OM more often.
I will keep on monitoring. If she brings up papers again the next time we talk (most likely while I'm at work, recurring pattern) I think I'm going to say that I would prefer not to talk about it while I'm at work, it is too emotionally draining on me. If she wants to talk about these things I ask she call me while I'm not at work.
I want her to feel comfortable approaching me but I feel like I need to set some boundaries for myself. She has taken full advantage of my availability and I'm beginning to feel like a doormat. We rarely talk after 8p (when she gets off work) and that is when I'm least distracted and able to talk. Is this too controlling? Any opinions?
Quote: to say that I would prefer not to talk about it while I'm at work, it is too emotionally draining on me. If she wants to talk about these things I ask she call me while I'm not at work.
I don't think that's too much to ask, as long as its delivered as a response to her actually calling you at work to discuss these things, as long as you deliver this reponse in a caring way, maybe as a request. I wouldn't set too many boundaries on when she can talk to you about this: just say that while you are at work is not a good time, and to ask if there another time that's better for her, better for the both of you...
Quote: She has taken full advantage of my availability and I'm beginning to feel like a doormat.
This is the danger of wanting to be there for her all the time. You want to do most anything, but you can't bud! This is a major light bulb here.
Renew had a very interesting observation too. Not only do our spouses have a "advantageous" time to do R talk, so do we. Unfortunately, the aliens don't care whether you are feeling good or not. They just blurt it out. It is up to you to express when is a good time to talk, without being condescending (sp?).
Does she come in to your work and talk R talk, or is it over the phone or through email?
You know, we have feelings too. Lets not ignore them, it makes us better people. Its the way we express them that counts.
Your doing great there seattle. keep up the great DBing!
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
Did I see some hugging going on here earlier? *Blink* Maybe it was just my imagination?
Question for you: Does your W ONLY bring up the D papers while you are at work?
While I agree that discussing this stuff at work would mean you are *INDOLENT* and not appropriate work convo, if you do this, you're going to have to give her some alternates of choice when you are willing to discuss stuff with her.
Maybe you can borrow something we do in sales? Give her 3 options, put the time slot that benefits you the most in the middle and see what happens?
That way, you're not appearing as though anytime will work--seeming to alleviate the availability issue.
If she won't agree to any of your times, then there is something else at work here. Let's not speculate until you feel a little more in control.
So, what are you doing to jumpstart your own life? What can you do to make yourself feel like you're driving your own ship, not waiting for her next call to tell you what you're doing?
You're not a doormat, Seattle (doormats do not wear spandex uniforms). But I think you're seeing now that being as available isn't good for you.
Hugs,
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: I've been trying to link her + interactions with me and the timing of which relative to the time of month (PMS as she has mentioned she is especially emotional then),
If the lighting and furniture is dangerous in a WAW's mind, I can't even begin to imagine what it's like in their ovaries.
Seattle, seriously, I think your doing a great job of trying to understand things, but maybe you need a break as much as your W. Is it possible for you to take a four-day excursion somewhere with lots of things to do and keep you occupied. Your processing so much informaiton right now, I think you may need to take a step back for YOU, never mind your wife. This can give you renewed energy and purpose in developing and carrying out your strategic plan. Rememeber, time is your friend and patience is golden.
