You guys are awesome! Thank you all for your opinions and support. I think you guys have reached a consensus and I like the results.
I'm going to let her lead the conversation and continue my relaxed attitude as a caring friend. I'm not going to push the conversation, especially to any R talk. If and when she brings talk of papers up (unfortunately this is inevitable) after we speak about those things I will casually mention that he has relocated to Seattle and is staying with me until he gets settled. Then monitor for results. If she seems upset or concerned I will ask her opinion on it and listen first.
Then I will decided what to do or say. My vibe and attitude will be one of being relaxed and openess. I'm not going to make it a big deal because it will then be a big deal.
I think her assuming we will be rolling around doing what we used to do when we were single would be enough. I'm prepared for her to be non-chalant about it and act like she doesn't care. Another, I don't care what you do comment. If she doesn't then all the better. If she actually says somthing else, all the better, but I'm not expecting that.
Sun - Called WAW (couldn't help myself there) to ask for her opinon on residual itching from laser hair removal. Had a good conversation, wasn't rushed. Got a little brave and casually said I'm thinking it would be fun going to a movie, wanna come? She said she had plans but told me in detail her plans. We then talked about movies and it was a nice conversation, no real ice wall.
Tues - Called WAW (again couldn't help myself) to give her mortgage interest on taxes. She wants to file seperately. We had small talk about some friends and then I tell her I signed her up for March Madness bracket online, she used to love the tournament. She mentions FIL and MIL may come to Seattle to see 1st round but they are busy and going to Hawaii where we got M. We then talk about SIL, BIL and aunts and uncles and how long they are staying, etc. I say that sounds so fun! We then talk about the dog, a married GF of mine who is a huge networker coming into her bus and how that will be good for her, and how to do the online tournatment thing (shes not good with computers). This might have been too much pursuing for her? She throws out did you have a chance to work on those papers? I said a little, I’m totally stressed out and you should see my desk. She said ok, maybe next week then? She didn't sound so certain this time? I couldn't tell for sure. Hurt nonetheless. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything less.
Wed - I left her a VM in morning telling her I know how much you like it the tournatment and I forgot to mention first game is tomorrow so don't forget to set her bracket. Happy St. Pats day to us non-drinkers (we both quit for lent).
She called in afternoon and said she wouldn’t be able to pick her team for the tournament, excuses on modem down. I offered to do it for her but she seemed kinda depressed and even said so. She said she has been having a couple of crappy days with work etc.
She said she had to tell her Father somthing personal and he was very disappointed in her. She was really bummed out about it. I just listed and said uh huh, and I’m sorry. That sucks. Just listened.
She said she was also bummed out more because of the people calling her from bars drunk already and it makes her more depressed. She said she was really having a tough day. I said uh huh, and listened more.
I said I like quitting drinking since I’m so much more clearheaded now. It makes me feel so much better. Lots of people have called me too and they just sound like such morons. She said I know, they do. I said it would be nice to drink but all these people are just running from their problems and drowning them.
She giggled and I said I’m glad I could at least make you giggle. We talked about her making corned beef and cabbage. I said Yumm Yumm. We then talked about chit chat, dog, my GF that came in yesterday and she was happy about that. The conversation then ended and I said to have a good evening. Bye in our voice. I think she seemed to sound a lot better when we said goodbye, like she wasn't as depressed anymore.
Is it my imagination or are we talking more openly now and she is sharing more details of her life with me? Are we interacting more as close friends again? So my act as if is as a friend, as a best friend, or as someone that still wants to be with her, or drop the rope entirely?
This is the monster that consumes us. Every conversation we have with S, we start to imagine everything from what they said, to what they did not say, to how they said it. It will drive you straight through your own head. Impossible and I am king, but you cannot read into EVERY conversation you have. Do what you are comfortable with and do not push, pursue, etc. I hear it in your conversations with her. Do not call all the time. I know the temptation is strong, especially when you feel like you had a good exchange.
Back up and slow down or you will drive yourself over the edge.
Quote: Back up and slow down or you will drive yourself over the edge.
I'm with B on this one... I think your interactions sound good and positive. Just lay back a little and let it sink in for her what a great guy you are...
Don't call everyday, let her call you sometimes too. I KNOW it isn't easy, and I might be queen to B's king on this one... but I can tell you it doesn't help in the long run either.
I'm not saying don't call... but maybe call a little less often. My H has said to me many times... "do you have to analyze everything I say?" And yeah... you know in our sitch, we do. Or so we think for a good long while.
Quote: Is it my imagination or are we talking more openly now and she is sharing more details of her life with me? Are we interacting more as close friends again?
Um, in case you couldn't tell, YES. Keep things casual and friendly between you, do not pursue or overdo things. Be her best friend, for now. It seems to be working for me. Heck, it seems to be working for you too.
Hey Seattle- I agree with the others, and with renew. She is sharing a lot more with you lately, no doubt. So continue being her best friend and treating her like a best friend would. You probably wouldn't analyze everything a best freind said or did, so try to take that perspective. Now, this coming from me where over on my thread I am analyzing the hell out of H's actions the last few days! Definitely easier said than done...
Also, I like how you took the advice of one of the posters on your thread to mention that you are feeling better now that you're not drinking and why, etc. This is great!! Reinforces/Helps her to see that you did this for you, not her. Good!!
Quote: Is it my imagination or are we talking more openly now and she is sharing more details of her life with me? Are we interacting more as close friends again? So my act as if is as a friend, as a best friend, or as someone that still wants to be with her, or drop the rope entirely?
Yes, you are starting to see the results of building on positve interactions and stringing them together so they start to outnumber the negative ones of recent times. Continue building on leaving her with each interaction giving her a good feeling. That's what draws people closer together ... boosting how they feel after sharing some time together and is why time is on your side and becomes an ally.
As she becomes more comfortable with the growing expectation to enjoy your company once more, she will continue to open up more and more and will more likely be more accepting in joining you in some of those invites you put out.
Patience ... the ice is beginning to soften. ... and let the process take its course, one drip at a time ... drip ... drip ... drip ... that's how the glacier recedes.
Whoops ... forgot to mention. Do continue to try to make eye contact, especially whenever she is speaking. Let her see you hang onto every syllable she speaks. Show her the actions that will make her say, "Wow, he really wants to hear what I have to say!" I've have made it a habit that when she starts talk to me ... if I'm reading, I put down whatever I'm looking at ... if I'm watching TV, I mute it and put down the remote ... if I'm turned away, I face her direction. All the body language that tells the other person, I'm here 100% for you and if you feel ite important for you to want to share, I want to hear it.
Quote: That's what draws people closer together ... boosting how they feel after sharing some time together and is why time is on your side and becomes an ally.
SH,
Hope all is well. KAW is as usual right on. We could all learn from this. I know I want something to happen NOW. But we did not get to this place overnight, and if we have any hope of restoring a M or R, we must ALL learn patience.
Real good signs of more warming from W! Those convos are huge opps to get fires burning. I'd say keep up with the close interactions, and build on that a little more.. "as if" you are "pre-dating"- but respecting her space. How did you act before you and W were officially together? Or when you first started dating(like minus the romance, just think about the flirty things you did/said...) Mirror all the flirty/close things W does now too, for sure! Be fun, exciting when you talk to W- Make it super casual too- with hints of moving in closer- you'll know by her reaction when you are acting "too close" in that particular interaction. But know that is only a temporary reaction from her too, she will warm as time goes on. (Like one week H snapped at my joke, the next week that exact same flirty joke went over good...and he flirted back!) See if you can act a little warmer each time. Like slowly moving it to a new level.. And find what gets to W's heart-- my guess may be emotional bonding through conversation may be one! Private jokes, dog talk are good too- keep up that dog R! Like if you can keep the focus off your R, but act more as two independent people who really like each other and are getting more close/ getting to know each other(I know it's weird fine line, but somehow the distinction works!) Acting like you have SO much in common and flow together!
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
