I really am trying not to post anything negative because I don't want to focus on that but I really am having a tough time keeping my PMA up these past couple of days. I just feel like I've been trying so hard for 5 months and all WAW does is try to avoid me or push for papers.
I am going to review all my notes this weekend and really look for baby steps. It kinda feels like I'm looking for crumbs when I'm famished and starving.
I just feel discouraged and fed up. I want so much for our M to work but everytime I see or talk with her she mentions papers and have I looked at them. I'm about to go ahead and do it. I don't know if it will draw her back to me, but at least it will release the pressure she feels and the pressure she puts on me. I'd like everyones opinion please.
Has anyone that has busted their D REALLY FELT it was hopeless and over? WAW has made a new life for herself that doesn't include me and she says she is pretty happy now and she isn't changing her mind. Won't even consider options openly or try.
I'm going to stop by the business after my C session to see the dog and ask for another overnight visitation. I'm tempted to call today and let her know in a friendly voice I'm very overwhelmed with work (doing 3 jobs right now since two people are on vacation), taxes, my parents fire, insurance claims, etc etc. I haven't forgotten about her D papers (don't say her bec of blame and guilt?) and will get to it soon. This would be a 180 for me to address it before she even brings it up, like defusing a bomb before it goes off?
I'm going there with an as if attitude that she is my friend, relaxed, no pressure, and that is all. I will walk the dog for an hour and then return her without being overly chatty or attentive and see how that goes.
My basketball team reached the city finals and we play tonight, so there is somthing I can look forward to.
I certainly won't claim anything is busted, but I have felt it was hopeless and over several times. I've gone to see an attorney...then reconsidered and not started the D myself.
At first you just decide to wait for a while, then, just when I'm ready to throw in the towel something happens that helped me decide to give it one more day...or another week.
It really did become a day-to-day thing for a long while. Now things are happening more frequently. Still way too slow IMO, and maybe too late, but they are happening.
One thing that helped me was realizing early on, that W wasn't the only one who could walk away. After my first visit to the L, I saw pretty quickly that I'd be better off financially if I just got the divorce.
Somehow that made me feel a little better. I told myself that it was my choice whether to put up with this crap everyday. I can always throw in the towel...maybe I will do that....tomorrow.
Hey, you deal with it the best way you can. Or you walk away. Either decision is right IMO. No one should have to put up with some of this stuff.
Quote: Has anyone that has busted their D REALLY FELT it was hopeless and over?
If I recall correctly, there's a success story somewhere on the board by "Saphire" (sp?). From what I remember she traversed a really long and windy road with her H, that included lots of OW trouble, but in the end they reconciled! If I find the link I'll post it.
Thanks for visiting my thread. While our circumstances are quite different, they are also very much the same.
The only thing I can say from my own experience is that you still have a way to go in detaching. There's nothing wrong in looking for signals or thaws, but true DBing really is about taking care of yourself, while maintaining the intellectual capacity to be open and loving to your WAS, regardless of what they say or do.
Read this post from JamesJohn. I think it captures the attitude best and reflects a point I'm approaching--but took me a while to reach.
Good luck in the tournament tonight! I'll send some good vibes your way.
To answer your question, yes, I felt hopeless almost every day during the alien invasion. Especially when the OW reared her pretty little head. I learned, through all of this, that I am much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am proud of that. It gives me so much self-esteem right now (i.e. running around my house in a thong ) and that, in turn, makes me a much more attractive woman.
Quote: WAW has made a new life for herself that doesn't include me and she says she is pretty happy now and she isn't changing her mind.
I'm just an innocent bystander here but her ACTIONS don't convey a person who is happy. Are you making assumptions here? Does this idea come from YOUR insecurity? Remember, W will SAY crazy things...don't listen.
As for the D papers, that is tricky. Have you ever consulted with a DB coach? Dottie and Joanne helped me quite a bit. Maybe this is a question for one of them.
This is not necessarily my advice for your sitch. This is just what my thoughts were about D papers in my sitch. My H said that I could have everything as long as I had the D papers notarized quickly. He just wanted to get it over and done fast. First, he had no D papers for me to sign and I wasn't going to help him at all with this. He would have to go out and get it done. Secondly, I decided that in order to live with myself, I could not sign amy D papers. It went against every fiber of my being. I did not want a D, I did not think it was the right thing to do and I beleived that it would be harmful to those around us (i.e. StepD13). I never had to tell H this, but he would have to make this happen 100% on his own. The resposibility for destroying our M would have to rest, ultimately, on his shoulders. As you know, I was always very nice and sweet to him. I never was confrontational about anything, but I knew if it came down to it, I wouldn't stand in his way, but I also wouldn't help facilitate the process. Again, this is not my advice for your sitch...it's just what I thought in my sitch.
I think that you are very well equipped to answer you own question about this. It would also be interesting what others have to say.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Your posts don't seem to reflect a low PMA IMHO but you know how you feel. From what I've read there seems to be a lot of things going on w/W and you do sometimes need to step back and take note of those coz you can't see them right away.
I definitely know how you feel about the WAS being "happy and moving on", my H told me that a while ago but they still are interacting w/us so who says that it's THEM and not what we're doing? No answers here but maybe a bit of both?
Yes, it is tiring and discouraging but it is not without a reason. I believe that. The reason, we may never know. But know this, everyone that is on the BB and is working on saving their R are better people for it. We have learned so much and each of us has grown in many ways.
I know that for me it has been eye-opening and through the sould searching and enlightenments, it showed me what I was doing wrong even if they were minor things (no A, no abuse, etc..) just plain life habits. Hopefully I've broken those habits and long for the day to share them w/someone that I love; be it H or someone new, my life will never be the same when it comes to R. What have you learned about yourself and interacting w/others? It is worth it, whatever the outcome.
Hang in Seattle, you're doing fine. Congrats on basketball! thanks for visiting me and spreading some words of wisdom. Tootles..........
Quote: I'm going there with an as if attitude that she is my friend, relaxed, no pressure, and that is all. I will walk the dog for an hour and then return her without being overly chatty or attentive and see how that goes.
SH,
Hope you are holding up? Lot of things being thrown at you. I wish the W's could see how unconditionally we do love them, though it took a crisis to reach here. If anybody else treated us this way, we would not have them in our lives.
Be consistent and tell her the truth, even if the WAS gets angry, we know we have been honest with ourselves.
I've been convinced to give up more than once, and each time H has asked me (yes, ASKED ME) to reconsider. They swing in and out is my experience.
However, as we know, things have taken an unexpected turn lately in my sitch and so I'm probably not one to give advice.
That said, YOU are handling things very well for 5 months into this. If I had handled things half that well (I didn't have DB then), I do believe it would have greatly helped my sitch. At 5 months, I was recovering from a bad car crash and heaping guilt and anger and diagnoses on my H, and we were talking practically every day then.
Which leads me to my next point... read that thread from JJ that merrick posted here. I read it every now and then and think it takes a while to get there... and it takes discipline to stay there, and finally starts to be more and more your norm (except when you get really thrown by something...but even then, it comes back).
What is the status of these papers? Are they from her atty? I too am wondering about what is best to do about that topic. I also wonder if it might take the pressure off them somehow. I'm coming more and more to the idea that they really ARE just pieces of paper at this point... that it's not like I really want the R I have right now anyway.
Maybe we win either way-- we D the mess and either get the cool and wise new R we've been wanting with our WAS eventually or we get a new R down the road with someone who respects and cares about us in action as well as word and who has their own head on straight enough to have an R at all.
So maybe we are agreeing to D the limbo state by agreeing to the papers? I am thinking out loud here and sorry if iut's not helpful.
Thanks EVERYONE for responding, I really appreciate the support.
jstx - Always good to hear opinions. I like you have been approaching this day to day. You're very right, just when I think I am done, somthing happens to give me hope and faith. I also have realized it is my choice, I have the freedom. I guess I'm seriously considering that option now.
Question for you and everyone else, did you ever get to the point of really accepting the D papers as what they want and then act accordingly? What was WAS reaction? I wouldn't do this as a strategy, but because I feel it is the right thing for me. At that point, am I a friend or am I just friendly?
Renew - Thanks, I'll look for that poster's name.
Merrick - I will look at that thread. I like your definition of detaching. Just when I'm there, I go back to feeling violated at times. It is a choice and within my mind. I do think I may be detached enough that I want to detach further. That might mean I will just let her push this thing and let the chips fall where they may. I don't know yet.
Quote: I'm just an innocent bystander here but her ACTIONS don't convey a person who is happy. Are you making assumptions here? Does this idea come from YOUR insecurity? Remember, W will SAY crazy things...don't listen.
Christine - You may be right, it may be my own insecurity and to top it off all the things she SAYS. I know I shouldn't listen to that stuff she spews.
I don't know how well equipped I am to answer my own question about D papers. She accuses me of not respecting her and considering her. So the ultimate 180 would to do this together since she doesn't want to use lawyers. But you are right, I don't know if I could be true to myself by doing that since it is not what I believe.
If we go through the process together and working as a team and as friends, that may provide more DRing opportunities, build the relationship between us. Or maybe not. It would be the hardest thing in the world for me to do.
Karen - I do beleive we are going through this for a reason, we will all be better people for it. I know I am.
As for the being happy, I know better than to listen to WAW. I see how unhappy she is but unfortunately she blames her unhappiness on me. She won't forgive me and still holds onto the pain and she considers me the reason.
B - thanks for the words of support
Wonder - didn't know about your car crash. hope you are much better now. yes, the million dollar question. options 2 and 3 on your thread. i go back and forth. maybe that is what i do going through it if i let it happen, flip back and forth. i have a feeling though i will really need to not see her much if papers are filed.
I'm afraid if that is the case, I have little contact since she pushes me out and runs away from me she will have no problem detaching from me and I have lost her. But maybe you are right, I don't want this state of limbo anymore and am through with it.
If that happens, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want her back if it is legally final. For a lot of reasons, but mostly trust. Should I tell her that at some point? In my mind this is forever?
So much for patience consistency unconditional love. I'll see if my batteries recharge and I have more energy to go on. Maybe thats it, I'm so overwhelemed and this is so one sided I'm just plain tired.
Quote: I'm so overwhelemed and this is so one sided I'm just plain tired.
SH,
I understand that; you just want something to happen, something to move away from this state of uncertainty from our perspective. I know what I want and what I do not want and it seems what W wants, but then I wonder, why does she not proceed? I dislike not knowing. And I know this will always be difficult for the children.
Hang in. I guess your detaching is a sign, but I doubt in your heart if you are ready to let go, but you may have to for your own sanity and peace. You will know what is right.
) and that, in turn, makes me a much more attractive woman.