Quote: Like when she says she is confused, maybe I could say I can understand how you could feel confused, this has been the most confusing time in my life.
Seattle, I like this. Don't ask to explore it more though, just leave the door open for her.
PMA and smiles DO help. I agree, have seen that work a lot with my H.
I like letters and they worked really well for me for a long time. It's hard to give them though... you have to really let the expectations go and let it be enough that you said something true and honest and that you feel good about. Use lots of "I" language... took me way too long to do that consistently because I was hurting, but it made for much better communication when I smartened up.
Thank you SO much for your sweet words. You really know how to boost the ole PMA. Maybe I should print them out or put them on my thread for when I get blue, LOL.
I think your conversations sound like you're doing fine. Keep up the light stuff and no pressure.
I certainly did hand my H the letter; last Sunday! I told him it was a letter from me to him.
Let's put it this way; H has not been negative to me in any way. The positives keep coming and he keeps doing "acts of service". So far we are not closer, but, time will tell it has only been a week!
Hey Seattle- Okay, I'm slow. I just realized that you aren't starting a new thread in Newcomers after your old thread locked, and you are over here in Piecing now, good!!!
I gotta catch up on your thread, but what I've read of the last few days seems great. You got a visit with the dog, that's awesome!!! And you taught her a new trick, cool! I did that with our dog too- taught her a new trick and that was H's V-day 'gift'. It's good b/c the dog is something that matters an awful lot to both of you, and something that you can both relate on. Also, this is a big step for you cause I remember when W didn't want you to see dog!!
Seattle, thanks for your support on my thread. You're always a great supporter and have insight that I usually haven't thought of. Thanks!!!
Now I know where to find you, just gotta get caught up with you!!
Thanks for posting everyone, as usual, I really do get a lot out of the responses and opinions everyone has. They are really helpful.
TJ - Thanks for confirming what I have been trying to implement, I believe it is slowly having some effect. You have been a great model and example of how those things have worked for you and I have taken that cue.
Wonder - Thanks for the insight on the women's feelings of PMS and how they react. VERY HELPFUL. I also appreciate your suggestions on the letter. I am carefully trying to word it so there isn't any miscommunication like sometimes when it comes out of my mouth. You are very welcome on the support, anytime. We all need encouragement!
Imalright - Thanks for sharing your letter! Concise, direct, clear, and non-pressuring! I thought it was great and it sounds like you are getting some good traction from it. I've been working too long on my letter, I just need to get it done and send it. I think I've been too meticulous.
Carrie - Good to hear from you! My fellow dog owner certainly can sympathize how we view and feel like they are our children. Yes, I do believe this might be another step since she was so adamant before about how "You never loved this dog, you haven't been around the past months, what makes you think you can show love for her now." She said this while crying and very upset. So I think it might be another step.
Journaling Update. Last conversation with WAW was to drop off dog to her at GF from work house since they were having movie night and GF lives closer to me. I said sure and was happy to do it and cheerful.
I called her back after lunch and said I just went and picked up dog food and I will feed her and walk her before I come over so you don't have to drive home and get her food. (Shows consideration and care without her having to ask or us to talk about it.) She kinda seemed surprised and said "oh (pause), okay".
I then said in a very gentle voice I know it has been hard for you with a little seperation anxiety from being without her (in reality its only been 24 hrs while I have not been able to see either one of them for months) but it was very nice to be with her and thank you. She said gently you're welcome and I tried to lighten it up just by saying I'll see you tonight then? She said OK.
I go to drop the dog off, had to mentally prepare myself for daggers and also tried to go in with relaxed, neutral, friend vibe, no pressure. I think I go in too much anticipating daggers that when positives happen I am in total shock.
Her GF buzzed me in and I went up to her apartment. Her GF invited me in to apt (VERY SURPRISED) and I tried to make some jokes and be light hearted. WAW was in bathroom when I got there but when she came out she gave me a BIG smile and a HI (little SURPRISED).
They were giggling and we all chit chatted for a bit. I said I was sorry for being late, but dog was playing with dog friend that WAW knew. I asked if they wanted to see her knew trick (she shakes hands now) and the GFs were excited and said yes and WAW kinda just said sure in one of those I'm sure its cute but reluctant tones but still playful and not cold. Dog is just so cute she does every trick she knows when a treat is out and we all laughed.
WAW approached me and gave me a hug (VERY SURPRISED). I was so shocked by this I didn't know what to do. I don't even remember what I said or did. She did this in front of her GFs from work?
I'm very confused on this one. Was it just her seperation anxiety from the dog and feeling of loss? Does she now know how I feel? Does this heighten the seperation feeling between US and she is trying to reconnect? Like she remembers how good our lives were?
We talked about the Godfather movie and they are starting the series. I made light conversation about the movie and scenes and actors to watch for. They just ordered take out and were sitting down to eat and watch the movie. I wasn't invited so I just said see you later and they casually said bye. I guess I didn't expect anything more than that, but the hug really caught me off guard.
I got back to the car and WAW left a VM on my cell and spoke in a tone I haven't heard in a LONG LONG time. One of those I'm happy tones, asking where are you, I miss the dog, don't forget to drop her off (like I would forget).
Quote: I got back to the car and WAW left a VM on my cell and spoke in a tone I haven't heard in a LONG LONG time. One of those I'm happy tones, asking where are you, I miss the dog, don't forget to drop her off (like I would forget).
Wow. Your patience and POSITIVE attitude are an inspiration for us. The dog has to be a huge positive. And their acting different than they first did ALWAYS catches us off guard. And you would think we would know how to handle a 180?
Doing great. Will check in for more positives and more good energy.
Wow! A little piece of the ice just chipped away. I think we should celebrate! This is great, Seattle. Take what you can get and be careful, because the aliens have a tendency to revert back. This is a very good sign, though.
My guess is that she'll go back to being cold again and then you'll get some more glimpses of warming here and there. Stay strong friend. It's looking good!
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Seattle, I agree with the others, I think you made a major step forward yesterday with the dog!! You have something here that is very close to her heart, and you are being gentle about it, and it's breaking through. Don't minimize this, I think it's a big step.
You did a great job in front of the GF's!! And the hug, awesome. These are all positives!
I had to laugh when you said the dog does all her tricks when a treat is out, ours does the same thing! I attribute this to H because he liked to get her to run through all the tricks and then give her a treat, so now when you get a treat out she: sits, shakes, lays down, rolls over and then crawls/crouches toward you. This all takes place in a matter of about 5 seconds! Hahah!! What would we do without these sweet dogs?!
Seattle, it's working... keep doing exactly as you are doing... because you're doing great!! And Christine is right about the aliens reverting... so just be cool and keep it up.
All this talk about sweet dogs makes me want to go adopt one!
Some nice interactions there! I know too about those tones of voice- very good sign. Maybe WAW feels a little pressure off, since you validated so great recently. I think this happened for me too- The WA's still have a lot of guilt and confusion going- its all surface covering up what's deep. I keep going back to that model of the ball Michele talks about the outer most layer is where the bomb ideas are and they are supported by the discontent which we chip away with our actions. That outer layer is the most transitory and temporary too... That's where we have the chance to keep speaking to them on a deep level- speaking to that hurt, unsatisfaction, the fear.....
Thanks so much for being there for me recently, I will post, etc. more later too. Feeling really spun and it's taking all I got to handle my sitch right now....
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
