I have recently seen more baby steps in my sitch and thus have joined piecing. My patience, consistency, and unconditional love have sprouted the seeds I had planted long ago and I need to continue these efforts before I can expect any fruits for my labor.
About Us
Me 33 Her 32 M 2 yrs R 6 yrs S 4 months Bomb 5 months
I was the cold and distant one, emotionally unavailable, would try to convince her of my views when she tried to talk to me about her feelings. I acted like a control freak, had to have my way. I was insensitive to her feelings. I wasn't always this way, but became this way. I am no longer this way, now I am the fantastic H that W fell in love with.
She has unworthiness of love issues, disrespect issues, and abandonment issues. She has a tough time communicating because of fear of rejection. She will go fishing with little bait and expect me to see it and bite. I need to get better at recognizing the bait no matter how small and be open. Her initial response to all things when she feels threatened is to rebel, run away, or say no.
Recent Events
Unlike most people here, I never did any of the initial begging, pleading, or ILYs right after the bomb. Looking back, this is PRECISELY what I should've done considering this would have been a HUGE 180 for me at that point. After a couple of heartfelt and teary apologies and admitting what I did wrong, I stopped inititating all contact.
Initially she drew closer, but then drifted further away. She felt my going dark was more of the same and I didn't love her. She found an OM, someone she used to work with. She continues to say she doesn't love OM, they are just friends, haging out and having fun out of convience and it is comforting for her.
Since January, I have pursued more. This is how we began our relationship and how we fell in love. I was the classic romantic and did a lot of things for her. So I started doing more of these things. Occaisonal flowers and cards when she told me she was emotionally frail. Supporting her new business, actively helping her increase revenue, marketing, networking, streamlining expenses.
Of course my actions were initially met with skeptcisim and daggers thrown my way. After a few weeks, W talks more openly with me now. She throws less daggers, she is more available to talk on the phone, she is not as rushed on the phone, and she reveals feelings she has. She cries all the time when we are talking about OR.
We had a big OR talk when she brought over papers and wanted me to review them with her. At that point I validated and said how difficult it must have been to make this decision, how I can understand she thinks I wouldn't change, how sorry I was I hurt her and how sorry I was she feels this is the only solution. I told her ILY and also asked her to talk with her parents and family openly about this and not just defend her position. She said she would, sounded sincere, and we hugged for a long time.
Before she had a chance to call me back, I sent her five dozen roses on Valentine's Day, each with a card. This was overwhelming to her. Initially she sounded ok, then she sounded really sad, then she cried and said I shouldn't call her for a few days, and she wrote me a letter.
The letter revealed many of her feelings she hasn't revealed before. She is broken hearted, overwhelmed, she doesn't feel pain for us anymore (this actually might be a good thing), then she says she is sickened with sadness (I'm guessing because of the guilt she feels for doing this).
Since then, we have had one good conversations with no daggers and no ice wall, and one with daggers and more of an ice wall.
My next steps are to meet with her to validate her feelings from the letter. I am going to suggest a different venue, maybe walking the dog and talking during and afterwards. Every discussion we've had about OR has been at the house, and I think switching it up would be good. I don't plan on doing anything but validating at that point. Just understanding her feelings and trying to draw her out more by being gentle and kind.
Question to everyone here. Did your WAS go to counselling with you? If so, for how long? Was it pre/post bomb? Was it pre/post S? If so, how did it come about they decided to go? Has it been helpful?
My W has seen a counselor individually for six visits and then decided she wanted a D. She went with me to the first couples counselor we were interviewing only to tell me there was no chance of anything but a D. She implies this is enough effort given by her to counseling and doesn't see the need for further counseling. But I haven't asked again since the first time over four months ago.
welcome, welcome! Way to go! I started a thread here now, too... I know we are both destined to be a success! Just time. Hey, where are we gonna meet for drinks in Seattle with our S's?!!
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
I think you asked this question about counseling before, but then everything in the last four months is all a bit hazy to me.
My H was totally against C. He said that, by him going to C, that would indicate that he was trying to work on the M and that was not his goal. At first, I thought that C would be a way that we could express our concerns about each other with a neutral party as a sort of moderator. In retrospect, I am glad that we didn't go to C. After reading many people's sitchs, I now believe that C, many times, is a forum for negativity. My biggest goal was to stay away from getting sucked into H's negative energy and I think that C would have created a "gripe session" and we both would have left feeling unhappy. I decided to create fun, love and happiness around me. No heavy R discussions and now I'm glad that H was against C. For me, I don't see what good would have come from it.
I also have read stats that most couples that get back together do so without C or, if they do go to C, then it is some sort of faith-based C. I also think that it is necessary to find someone who is solution-oriented...someone who's sole goal is to help you get your M back on track. You could spend endless hours discussing your fears, neuroses, childhood, dissatisfaction with each other, etc, but what good would that do?
This is just my take on the sitch that presented to me. It would be interesting to see what others think.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
As for your ?'s about counseling: We started going about 3 months post bomb/separation. He was going to IC also. We kept going through the separation. It took all three of us (MC, IC & me) telling him alot of the same things over and over before he started questioning some of his assumptions--especially the ones he had about me that were way wrong.
I'm glad you are starting to see some thawing going on.
Thanks for stopping by. This question about C has been bothering me. She obviously feels as if she has done a lot prior to S. She is still holding onto that as one of her excuses to not try again I'm sure. I agree with her and validate her and need to do it again and again. Sometimes I think she needs to hear it over and over just to get an understanding, like Tal said, before they challenge their own set ideas. Christine you are right about the solution based C, gripe sessions are worthless.
I'm supposed to meet with her tonight before she leaves for the weekend out of town. I didn't ask who she was going with. Its kinda driving me crazy to think who she could be going with. I think I'm going to reschedule, my mind is swimming with so many thoughts right now. I want to be in a good place when I talk with her next. I care a lot for her, but I need to take care of myself first and get centered.
Quote: I'm supposed to meet with her tonight before she leaves for the weekend out of town. I didn't ask who she was going with. Its kinda driving me crazy to think who she could be going with. I think I'm going to reschedule, my mind is swimming with so many thoughts right now. I want to be in a good place when I talk with her next. I care a lot for her, but I need to take care of myself first and get centered.
This may be a missed opportunity for good DBing, but if you're not comfortable with where you are right now and how you will respond tonight--then I think rescheduling and getting yourself centered first is the best route.
Good to hear from you here! No doubt, it would be another great chance to DB, thats why one part of me really wants to see her. I will be able to see her after she gets back.
I think I'm going to reschedule for a couple of reasons, I've been giving so much and have been so available, I'm beginning to feel violated. I've been living my life around her schedule when she can squeeze me in. It would be a huge 180 for me to reschedule, I'm usually dependable and very predictable, and I already had other plans I would have to cancel on to see her. So I'm still debating. I've got to call her soon.
Hello Seattle...thought I'd drop over and see your new thread. Thanks for visiting me and sending encouraging words.
If you recall my sitch w/C, mine was post S and didn't go so well for me. I definintely did not do ENOUGH homework on C and found that they are not solution based and didn't appear to offer anything to our sitch. Just seemed like a mediator; someone to thrown a bone to us every once in a while. If my H gives me the chance to go to another one I am going to do some more investigative work before we go and find out about one that follows Michelle's theories.
Have you ever tried to talk about how you've changed recently and how hard you are working? Or the fact that you know you were wrong in certain areas and see how that must have made her feel? I have been eating a bit of humble pie in the past few months even though I didn't always agree w/H, but it seemed to go over better than disagreeing or fighting back. I guess I was just trying to turn the tables and let H know that I was aware of the issues mentioned but didn't see it that way at first. All that stuff about REALLY TALKING and LISTENING. I wasn't doing it (not that H does either but that's another issue ). I told H that I finally GOT it and heard him. I made mistakes and see that now and if given the chance H would see a difference.
Just some thoughts for you. Not that they're working great for me but they leave H thought provoked. At least he's not running away and I see the baby steps. Maybe this will help just another opinion. Take care. Tootles..........
We went to MC together several weeks after the bomb (I was already in IC immed. following the bomb). W stonewalled the whole time. It was absolutely brutal for me, I walked out of each session feeling like I'd been beaten with a sack of oranges.
Our MC actually came up as a topic when we were talking last night. She wanted to know what I thought of our MC. I told her that I wasn't thrilled with him, thought he made us and let us talk too much about the past and the problems, and didn't get the feeling that he was really SB. Wife asked what SBT was, so I explained a little. I also told her that I didn't think he was a bad therapist, but that he probably never had a chance. W was curious what I meant, she asked whether this referred to her having already made up her mind. I smirked and raised an eyebrow but didn't answer and she just nodded in response. Hmmmm.
I think C can be great, my IC is superb, but I think successful MC depends on a great MC AND a willingness on both partners parts. That's my 2 cents.
). I told H that I finally GOT it and heard him. I made mistakes and see that now and if given the chance H would see a difference.