Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The Black Knight Lost in the End

Old Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2511525&page=1

First off,

Thanks to everyone for caring enough to throw in your opinion, thoughts, concerns and feelings.

I love you all very much.

I've never taken 5 Prozac before and won't do it again. I felt desperate because I had to get the paper out today and I just didn't have the energy.

Anyway. I promise I will make the best decision for me and the kids.

I have been feeling suicidal and that scares me. The last thing any of us need right now Heather outta commission or dead. It's been a long time since I've felt so desperate or full of despair.

Today, this morning, felt good to me because I felt like I had a choice. Life really nailed it the other day when he said that I feel outta control since Smokey keeps throwing all the punches.

I'm not sure my Atty is the type to throw punches. I feel really vulnerable right now.

The most important thing to me, right now, in this moment, is my sanity and my sense of choice. As it stands, here I am, again, with my life swirling because of Smokey's allegations and letters...It feels like that scene in the first Harry Potter where all those letters keep arriving from Hogwarts. I dread the mail and my email now.

Now...

Yes, I'm most definitely strong enough to outlast this final hurdle. No question. I've earned my stripes and I can do it...IF I CHOOSE.

What concerns me are a number of things:

1. MY JOB. I'm now on the third month with this new job. The company agreed to consider me for a raise after 3 months.

When I started, I was the star. The star has fallen from grace. I'm regaining my foothold and showing improvement each week. I KNOW I can do this...very different from when I started. I, seriously, wasn't sure I could pull this off. Well, I KNOW now that I can and will.

I have the opportunity to prove myself right now. That's where all my energy SHOULD BE. I know this in my soul. I have waited in the darkness for years because of Smokey's addiction. I'm finally out there using the skills God gave me without apologies.

And, once again, he doing what he can to derail me.

A part of me says, "Then remove yourself from the track altogether. Put your train elsewhere."

I'm not sure yet...But, it's the clearest I've felt since this all started...and, I had this clarity BEFORE I took all the Prozac.

Something inside is nudging me, telling me...rethink this whole thing.

Heather, I'm so sorry I've been a distant friend. I feel terribly that I've been so wrapped up in myself lately I haven't offered support to my friends here. I know I don't have much to offer, but I find it is good to know there is an advocate supporting you. And know that I am, even when not posting.

Pls txt me anytime. You know you can. I will drive up there in a heartbeat.

I have to get caught up on your last thread. Pls contact me soon. I am here for you.

We all know that first impressions can pigeonhole you. I was hired as a star and I intend on regaining that status.

I can't say for sure that I have it in me to achieve this AND rock out a D...especially when I will have to drive back to Ohio, deal with my mother...who gave me one he!! of a zinger yesterday...dealing with Smokey, dealing with Smokey's atty, Smokey's parents, etc...

Yet again, I feel as if Smokey is distracting me from MY LIFE. I, finally, have a life and he is sucking it out of me.

I watched Wishing go through he!! for months and months and months. I see Smokey, if given the momentum and chance to do the same. He certainly picked an atty willing to go that route.

If it was just a Dec. 15 hearing I had to survive, that's one thing...but, this could go on and on and on. Smokey is on a roll right now. His parents are threatened and scared and they...my FIL remember is the former Domestic Relations Judge in our county...he chose this atty. If MIL is threatened enough, and feels cornered like Smokey, she will help fund his insanity forever. They will beg, borrow and steal to make their point.

Mighty, you are awesome. I know you are there...no worries.

There is NO equity in this house. We will be lucky to break even...especially after Smokey has now invested more money into it.

Two things are at stake...spousal support and his retirement.

At this point. If I pulled out now, I honestly don't feel that I would regret spending the money I have on the atty. If I can get spousal support and child support nailed down, in this round...then, I feel it would be a victory of sorts.

And, I know in my heart of hearts...that given the chance, I will be able to earn plenty of money for me and the girls. My editor has already applauded my column writing skills weekly..saying that my column is the best thing in my paper. He LOVES my column. I'm good at this type of writing and I could earn more off of it...IF...IF...IF I continue on this career path.

As I was driving home in the snow...I felt a sense of peace. I looked at the pretty snow and realized, "This is MY NEW HOME."

This beautiful place is MY HOME. :-)

Smokey is invading it. For two months, he has invaded it in every way...I half expect him to show up one day. I'm sure he will actually.

The first time I remember Smokey undermining my success. I was thinking of this while I was driving.

I was in college and earned a place with the honor society for our college. We were invited to dinner with the Dean and President of the University who personally handed out the awards. Smokey didn't show.

I sat wondering where he was the entire dinner.

When I got home, I asked him what happened. He said he forgot.

I remember what I was wearing. I remember where I was sitting at that dinner. I remember spending the entire evening wondering where he was. I remember crying on my way home.

He made it about him.

That was the start. I started suffocating my own talents and shine that night. I started to hide myself from everyone.

This job, this move...THIS WILL NOT BE ABOUT HIM. It's my turn.

And, I'm just not sure My Atty, with his Atty...I don't know. I have my doubts.

I see his atty pushing hard. He is known in the county we are from as being laborious and tough. IDK. Something just doesn't jive.

When I married Smokey, I had prayed hard and knew it was the right decision for me. I've never doubted that decision.

This situation, right now, I don't feel that certainty. I have many doubts. I'm not sure I will be able to live with myself if my job is jeopardized in ANY WAY after all we've been through. And, frankly, I can't see how I am, as a human being, able to give ALL of myself to my job when so much is being demanded from this D and from D12 and from D20.

Why am I spinning to answer questions for Smokey the A$$hole? Why

There is NO equity in this house. We will be lucky to break even...especially after Smokey has now invested more money into it.

Two things are at stake...spousal support and his retirement.

At this point. If I pulled out now, I honestly don't feel that I would regret spending the money I have on the atty. If I can get spousal support and child support nailed down, in this round...then, I feel it would be a victory of sorts.

And, I know in my heart of hearts...that given the chance, I will be able to earn plenty of money for me and the girls. My editor has already applauded my column writing skills weekly..saying that my column is the best thing in my paper. He LOVES my column. I'm good at this type of writing and I could earn more off of it...IF...IF...IF I continue on this career path.

As I was driving home in the snow...I felt a sense of peace. I looked at the pretty snow and realized, "This is MY NEW HOME."

This beautiful place is MY HOME. :-)

Smokey is invading it. For two months, he has invaded it in every way...I half expect him to show up one day. I'm sure he will actually.

The first time I remember Smokey undermining my success. I was thinking of this while I was driving.

I was in college and earned a place with the honor society for our college. We were invited to dinner with the Dean and President of the University who personally handed out the awards. Smokey didn't show.

I sat wondering where he was the entire dinner.

When I got home, I asked him what happened. He said he forgot.

I remember what I was wearing. I remember where I was sitting at that dinner. I remember spending the entire evening wondering where he was. I remember crying on my way home.

He made it about him.

That was the start. I started suffocating my own talents and shine that night. I started to hide myself from everyone.

This job, this move...THIS WILL NOT BE ABOUT HIM. It's my turn.

And, I'm just not sure My Atty, with his Atty...I don't know. I have my doubts.

I see his atty pushing hard. He is known in the county we are from as being laborious and tough. IDK. Something just doesn't jive.

When I married Smokey, I had prayed hard and knew it was the right decision for me. I've never doubted that decision.

This situation, right now, I don't feel that certainty. I have many doubts. I'm not sure I will be able to live with myself if my job is jeopardized in ANY WAY after all we've been through. And, frankly, I can't see how I am, as a human being, able to give ALL of myself to my job when so much is being demanded from this D and from D12 and from D20.

Why am I spinning to answer questions for Smokey the A$$hole? IDK.

I'm going to get a good night's sleep after reading some Harry Potter.

All of your life you've tried to prove to your parents and Smokey that you're a "good girl" so you work extra hard to show them. So when they come at you with zingers, criticisms, and put downs, it cuts you deeply for they say in not so many words that you are "not good enough." The thing is that you are looking for approval in the wrong places. The only approval you need is yours. Enough said.

Heather is awesome!

Heather is a terrific mother.

Heather is wicked good at writing.

Heather is goofy, fun, smart, and unique.

Heather is made of sturdy stuff.

Heather is independent.

There is no other Heather in the world.

Thanks Wonkity, you made me tear up. It's gonna be OK.

FYI: I told my mom about Smokey's atty wanting her will. She said, "Why? You've already spent your share! Ha ha!"

I didn't think it was funny.