Hey, Little. I didn't appreciate that you were also in the same boat re no contact. I thought you had gone dark on BF, not the other way around. I suppose the net result is the same, though. I agree - it sux. I wish I could reverse time to when we were still living together and start DB all over.
I'm not sure what we can do when we have no contact. As you say, it's challenging because our H/BF don't get to see our changes. Also, I find it hard because many of the things I need to change require contact with him. Have I learned to communicate differently? Maybe - hard to say when we're not talking.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I feel your pain.
Last edited by ganb8te; 11/30/1406:57 AM.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Hi Little. I was reading a few of your posts and thought I'd chime in. Hope you don't mind.
Originally Posted By: Little
...I'm wondering how someone breaks up with someone they've meshed intimately with for ten years and doesn't second-guess themselves.
Mind reading does you no good. And how do you know he isn't second guessing his choices? You really don't know and it is a waste of time and energy fretting about it.
Quote:
On the other hand, I say that those are HIS faults and failures. He knows how I feel about him and he knows that, given the chance, I'd move mountains for him. My passion is real and sincere. That said, I know that I also deserve someone that will move mountains for me, too. Someone that will choose me. Someone that loves me and wants to put the effort into me.
Exactly! Keep thinking along those lines and quit worrying about what he is thinking. What matters most at this point is you taking care of you!
Quote:
We have no contact, so how am I supposed to show him I've changed? [bold]And another part of me says that if he wanted to contact me, he would be doing it. He doesn't miss me, because if he did.....well, I guess that train of thought is pointless.[/bold] It's hard for me to stay positive, even though I know -- logically -- that no one knows what the future will bring, not even BF.
If you are dark, stay dark. if he is interested he will come around eventually. You just need to keep moving yourself forward. But you know this, right?
Quote:
I'm not exactly in a bad mental place, but I guess there's a calm anger within me today, if that makes sense.
There is nothing wrong with having these feelings. You need to process and heal from the hurt. It all takes time.
Quote:
IC says that, emotionally, I'm exactly where I should be given the situation. That I'm not insane or weak or stupid for feeling the way I do about BF. That this partner is one I was more open and vulnerable and "deep" with than any other person in my life, so it's okay to take my time getting over it, so long as I try to inch forward. It just hurts.
I know it hurts. And unfortunately it will continue to hurt for some time. But don't drown in your sorrow. Allow yourself to grieve and when the time is right, begin pulling the pieces of your life together and make a better future for yourself.
You have passion and a fighting spirit. Put those gifts to work.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Hey, Little. I didn't appreciate that you were also in the same boat re no contact. I thought you had gone dark on BF, not the other way around. I suppose the net result is the same, though. I agree - it sux. I wish I could reverse time to when we were still living together and start DB all over.
I'm not sure what we can do when we have no contact. As you say, it's challenging because our H/BF don't get to see our changes.
I went semi-dark. He's receptive and friendly if I text first, but he's one of those folks that likes to remain friends with exes; I'm so not interested in that. I'd like to see if perhaps lack of me in his life will help him miss me, but who knows since he's boinking someone else.
Like LisaB said, I'm going to keep the door open a crack -- friendly if he contacts first but backing off on contacting first, myself, for a bit.
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
[Long, Well-Thought Out Post Goes Here]
You have passion and a fighting spirit. Put those gifts to work.
Thank you for your presence and input in my thread! Your words resonated with me. I appreciate that you took the time to write them.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Jefe, thanks for reposting that post from Maybell. It was really wonderful.
Little, I feel very similarly to what you expressed. I am in a darker place lately. I feel hopeless and so angry and sad and hurt. I don't get what happened and I don't get how he can just move on to all these other women like I meant nothing to him.
But when I read your words I see hope still for you. Your BF is on his path, like Maybell's post said he is probably sad, happy, hopeful, confused, missing you, hating you.
In a way those who barely hear from the ex should be happy not to get caught up in the rollercoaster that those who see their ex every day have to deal with. Have you read HP's thread? Wow. For a while he was getting quite a ride every day.
Just keep moving forward, focusing on yourself and trying to think about something other than the ex. It's easy to say and not easy to do. Eventually he will come around or not, and I'm realizing now there is not so much we can do about it. It's a long road.
Trying to look at the positives of my situation. I can, at any point, make any choice I want. For instance, I could find an apartment closer to work - I've lived 45 minutes away for the past 10 years, solely because BF didn't want to move out of the town we lived in.
I guess the choices are mine and mine alone to make. I just need to decide what the plan is and get working on it!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little, I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in. I'm fairly new to this site so take what I say with a grain of salt but just wanted to say sorry for what you're going through. To an extent, our situations are similar. Just wanted to chime in on what LisaB said about not hearing from your H/W. My W and I have been separated for 2months now. She texts me everyday, usually multiple times a day about nothing, just friendly talk. She usually calls me on her way to work and we talk about anything for 30-45minutes.
No I'm not bragging..but there are days like today or on Thanksgiving where I barely hear a word from her and then…the roller coaster starts. "WHY ISNT SHE TEXTING ME? WHY HASNT SHE CALLED? WHATS DIFFERENT ABOUT TODAY THEN YESTERDAY? DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? CRAP IS SHE LOSING INTEREST?"
Like Lisa said, sometimes I wonder if its better to be on the other side of the fence? I wonder if all this texting/talking is actually harmful because your BF actually has a chance to miss you because he hasn't heard from you? Whereas my W and I almost talk…too much?
I think 2thepoint, has a point..haha no pun intended. If you are dark, stay dark. Your BF will come around when he wants to talk, and that's something I am slowly learning. We can't force them to do anything or explain why they do the things they do…heck they probably can't explain it themselves..they just do it because they want to. My W only recently started calling me, out of nowhere. I did what you did, and let her be the one to initiate, and no matter how difficult it was, I let her come to me, and slowly she is. Keep it up, and I hope nothing but the best for you!
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
Last night I did some Pinterest searching on Buddhism's view of love. It was very helpful in calming down a soul ache that had deposited itself in my chest from missing contact with BF.
Basically, the point of view is that true love is something that's given "for free". It's not based upon action, inaction or anything else. The quote that resonated with me the most for my sitch was "My love for you is unconditional; your action is irrelevant".
Meaning, mostly, that I can still love him no matter where he is (or not) in my life. And feeling that way is not only okay, but it's a strength on my part.
There's something freeing about that, I guess. It helps me detach so much some how. I guess because I recognize that my emotions are my right, and they don't depend on BF, necessarily.
Whatever. LOL
Dealing with some pretty crappy pain in my shoulder, too. I had an injury, PT didn't help. We're talking about an MRI now, but the pain is achey and burning and constant. Thankfully the doctor is going to give me a prescription for that, so hopefully my day will get better from here.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Little, I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're in. I'm fairly new to this site so take what I say with a grain of salt but just wanted to say sorry for what you're going through. To an extent, our situations are similar. Just wanted to chime in on what LisaB said about not hearing from your H/W. My W and I have been separated for 2months now. She texts me everyday, usually multiple times a day about nothing, just friendly talk. She usually calls me on her way to work and we talk about anything for 30-45minutes.
No I'm not bragging..but there are days like today or on Thanksgiving where I barely hear a word from her and then…the roller coaster starts. "WHY ISNT SHE TEXTING ME? WHY HASNT SHE CALLED? WHATS DIFFERENT ABOUT TODAY THEN YESTERDAY? DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG? CRAP IS SHE LOSING INTEREST?"
Like Lisa said, sometimes I wonder if its better to be on the other side of the fence? I wonder if all this texting/talking is actually harmful because your BF actually has a chance to miss you because he hasn't heard from you? Whereas my W and I almost talk…too much?
I think 2thepoint, has a point..haha no pun intended. If you are dark, stay dark. Your BF will come around when he wants to talk, and that's something I am slowly learning. We can't force them to do anything or explain why they do the things they do…heck they probably can't explain it themselves..they just do it because they want to. My W only recently started calling me, out of nowhere. I did what you did, and let her be the one to initiate, and no matter how difficult it was, I let her come to me, and slowly she is. Keep it up, and I hope nothing but the best for you!
Thanks for your input!
We shall see what the future brings. Detached but hopeful!
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
Been no contact since Thursday, BF just sent a funny text with a picture/joke.
Tempted to ignore it. Also tempted to reply because OMFG I miss him. Gah.
ME: 38 BF: 40 T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice) BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R. 10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW 12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
