Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife has left and filed for divorce

Rick, you're completely right. I feel like I'm on the right path in regards to joining the abuse program, consistently seeing my IC, etc. But I still need to figure out why I was so abusive before.

I think the root of my abuse/control issues is insecurity. I was afraid of my wife not loving me, of her disrespecting me, of her betraying me. I think I was always afraid of losing her, and so I often misinterpreted her actions and behavior as being disrespectful towards me. I don't know if that makes sense.

Sometimes I'd try to talk with my wife about our issues, but she would completely ignore me and shut me out without saying a word. When this happened, I would often lose my temper, so I think a big reason why I lost my temper was my inability to deal with my wife's emotional shutdowns.

Also, due to my insecurity, I had a hard time dealing with my wife's sexual past, even though it wasn't that bad. So when she did something rude to me, I wouldn't react just to the rude action but to all the resentment I already had about her past, and this would set me off. And then over time, there'd be more and more resentment in my heart towards her based not just on my feelings about her past, but all the other negative interactions that built off of the way I dealt with her past. And this resentment would then blow up when my wife was sarcastic or would be rude or stay out till 3 AM, for example.

It [censored] to realize all this. I wish I had controlled my emotions better. I never wanted to hurt my wife or blow up at her, ever. I would often apologize afterwards, but I never saw the emotional wounds that I caused in her. She wouldn't tell me. She loved me too much, I think, to fight back or to open up about how I was hurting her. And I think overtime she became afraid to tell me.

I would ask you this rhetorical question:

Do you want a Mexican stand-off with your W?

I would think not.

It is best to be happy than to be "right."

There is no timetable to rebuild trust, but it cannot be done without consistent, postive actions over time. Continue to improve yourself and be the best dad to those two kids that you can be. Those are the things you can control.

As for the D, you can most likely drag the process out, but I doubt you can stop it if that is what W wants. Your L may have suggestions, but I warn you that W's L will tell W of the tactics, and that'll be seen as 'same old Vertex'.

Vertex,

Do this for YOURSELF. Does any of those things ring true for you? If you say yes to one ore more, then STOP immediately. It has no place in a M nor in society.

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Emotional Abuse Tactics

Emotional abuse is the hardest to point a finger on because it can be easily disguised as perfectly appropriate behavior, or at least something that all people do occasionally, that is just a part of life. However, there's a big difference between an occasional slip up followed by taking responsibility for the mistake and making things right - and a pattern of deliberate disregard for your boundaries and pain in order to satisfy one's own needs. Each instance of emotional abuse might sound small, but all of them combined and repeated over the time can cause serious and long-term damage to the victim's psyche. Below are some of the classic emotional abuse tactics. By no means does this page cover all of them - emotional abusers are creative in their ways. These are just some red flags to look out for and think about.

Overt Abuse:
-yelling
-name-calling
-threatening (anything from divorce to suicide)
-violence towards pets
-damaging property (e.g. punching holes in walls)
-destroying your favorite possessions

People who do that usually agree it's not OK, but claim it's your fault, you made them do it somehow (read further about this tactic). The simple truth is - these things are not OK to do no matter what. There's no excuse for abuse, and it's never the victim's fault. Whatever you did or didn't do, he has to control his temper and respond appropriately - not raise his voice, not break anything, and not call you names. Most people learn not to throw temper tantrums in early childhood; if your abuser truly hasn't, he can sign up for an anger management class. Most of them can contain their rage under some circumstances though, but simply chose not to do that around you, because they don't get negative consequences for it. Does he do it in front of others, or only in private?

Example: when mom confronted dad on his drinking, he got mad, called her a b!tch, threatened to kill her, and broke our hallway lamp. Such a childish response would have been funny, if it weren't so hurtful and scary.

Unfair Requests:
-accusations (e.g. "I know you're cheating on me")
-controlling behavior (e.g. checking your phone or controlling which hygiene products you use)
-parentifying (e.g. expecting you to wake them up on time and -throwing tantrums if they are late)
-excessive jealousy (e.g. not letting you talk to any female including her mom)

The trick here is that their goal is not to solve problems, but to keep you feeling guilty, walking on eggshells, and trying to please them at all costs. Their requests are remarkably unfair, unclear or otherwise impossible to accommodate. Test it out - next time she complaints of something you do, attempt to brainstorm solutions with her. You'll quickly notice that no suggestion satisfies her, or, as the last resort, she'll immediately find another "problem' to blame you for. She's using this tactic as an excuse for her otherwise inappropriate behavior - claiming that it's all your fault in the first place. Don't fall for this trap - abuser's behavior is their responsibility, not yours.

Example: one father demanded that his 7yo son should bring him a hot apple pie from a place a mile away, and punished the boy because the pie got cold by the time he brought it. Perfect sample of an unfair request.


Blaming the Victim:
-openly shifting the blame (e.g. "I wouldn't have yelled if you were home on time")
-minimizing (e.g. "it's no big deal, you're overreacting")
-trivializing (e.g. "all couples fight, you're too sensitive")
-ridiculing
-mocking
-sarcasm
-public humiliation
-making jokes about things that make you feel vulnerable

Aside from the obvious goal of remaining blameless, such behavior also makes you doubt your perception and ability to gauge things correctly. This is especially true if these things are done in public, when other people witness it and don't stand up for you (because they don't have enough information to judge the situation correctly, because they see you not objecting and figure it must be OK then, because they don't want to meddle with your relationship, or simply because they don't have the guts to). This behavior damages your self-esteem and self-reliance. You start doubting yourself and rely on your abuser's judgment. Perfect setup to abuse you further.

Example: when one 10yo child missed her curfew, her mom told the girl's classmates she was a bedwetter, ruining her social life. Obviously this isn't an appropriate consequence for a missed curfew, but the child was too young to understand it, so she blamed herself for the incident.

Mind Games:
-shifting sands
-gaslighting

Shifting sands refers to constantly changing the rules of the game, so you never know what to expect. The same thing could be OK today, yet cause a huge problem tomorrow. As a result, you feel terrified, helpless and trapped no matter what you do, can't predict outcome of your actions. Gaslighting is a term coined after 1944 film "Gaslight", where a husband deliberately presents false information in such a way that makes his wife question her sanity. Classic example of gaslighting is rearranging furniture while you're at work and pretending it was always this way when you act surprised. Gaslighting is very hard to resist because it consists of seemingly meaningless things you feel he has no reason to do, so you accept the idea you must be crazy. The reason abusers do that is to make you powerless, frightened, and dependent on them.

Wonka, I have done all those things.

Recognizing it is the MOST important step, Vertex. I am glad that you now see all of that in you and I do hope that you're doing this (making changes) FOR YOURSELF. Not just to win your wife back. This is no tactic.

I hope you're doing this to become a better man because you genuinely want to be in the most authentic way possible.

I am wondering if there is a men's support group that focuses on those issues in your area.

It all boils down to this:

Those type of actions reflect a person who suffers from a very, very low self-esteem. Dig deep to get to the root of your self-esteem issues. This is really hard work and where the focus should be squarely on: YOU.

Here are some suggested readings to get you started, Vertex.

The Self-Esteem Workbook, by Glenn R. Schiraldi
Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem, by Marilyn Sorenson
The Self-Esteem Companion: Simple Exercises to Help You Challenge Your Inner Critic and Celebrate Your Personal Strengths by Matthew McKay, PhD.

Good luck with your journey of self-discovery!

Vertex you just described my past behaviors ro a T. Even the resentments. You can do this. You will have unlearn those maladaptive behaviors. It takes time

Vertex you just described my past behaviors ro a T. Even the resentments. You can do this. You will have unlearn those maladaptive behaviors. It takes time

Rick, do you mind if I ask why your marriage wasn't reconciled? You saying that I have the same past behaviors as you, and seeing in your signature that your marriage wasn't reconciled, scares me.