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labug, I feel for you, I really do. I have gone through extensive therapy in the last 10 or so years. I had done that previously and thought I worked out most of it, but that was as a single person. The whole being in love thing blew me away, and I really trusted this guy on a level I never did before. I knew I was loved and cherished and safe, and that's when I got comfortable enough to "feel". I bet you know what I mean with that.

So when I started actually feeling, I guess I got wigged out... it triggered old crap that I didn't even know was there. It is hard for a spouse to deal with that, especially if they don't know what is going on in your head.

Truthfully, I don't know WHERE I am supposed to be. What I can offer you is this: DO NOT CHECK UP ON ANYTHING THAT HAS THE POTENTIAL OF REALLY HURTING YOU EMOTIONALLY. You truly are better off not "knowing" anything for sure. You can become a total basketcase doing all of that.... I did, and was.

Ohhh, wait, I was asking that question to find out what you've done to work on you.

Sorry, I did just drop it in there without explanation. I sometimes do that.

But it seems like you've done some work however, I don't think I agree with your last post.

labug,

OK. I don't get exactly what you are saying. I think I am understanding that you disagree with the "don't check up on him" thing. Is that the case?

Also, what part of this was dropped in there?

"Love is action.

What are you doing to manage reactions to your past abuse?

My M was a SSM for a long time because of me. I acted much as you describe."

Do you mean that your M WASN'T a SSM because of you and that you didn't really act as I described?

I'll try to pull this out of the ditch.


I think I misunderstood this: "DO NOT CHECK UP ON ANYTHING THAT HAS THE POTENTIAL OF REALLY HURTING YOU EMOTIONALLY. You truly are better off not "knowing" anything for sure. You can become a total basketcase doing all of that.... I did, and was."
I didn't realize you meant checking up on HIM.
You're right, checking up will make you a basket case.


The whole post was dropped in with no introduction or explanation, just a poorly formed question.


It was a SSM and I did have many of the reactions you described.

I think the confusion is I wasn't asking for advice on what I should do but was asking to see what you had done up to this point.

We should probably let all this go and start over.

OK. So, I am so impressed that you dealt with many of these same issues and are still together! What was the turning point for you?

... or him?

I'm not sure about the turning point.

I realized that I had a lot of stuff that needed fixing, I was depressed, anxious, angry, emotionally abusive, filled with fear but highly functioning. I looked together to the outside world but inside was a quivering mass of jelly.

I realized after my H left that no one could fix me but me, and that I would never have a good intimate R, no matter who I was partnered with until I figured myself out.

I had the people here, a wonderful IC, lots of reading, pondering, bike riding, meditation and yoga.

It became about saving me, the marriage was secondary.

My H and I went for long periods of time and didn't see or talk to one another. We did maintain email contact(we have 2 sons and a house together)

It took him a long time to get over his hurt.

Once that happened he was able to see me in a different light and I was a very different person. We clicked again.

That is spectacular. I always try to keep the hurt I caused my H in mind when he is negative.