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Why do I want to send a card? Honestly it is if he just morphed into an alien. I understand now that I didn't cause this because it is obvious in how he has left his entire life behind. He doesn't treat me any differently than anyone else he left behind. the only person he talks to is OW. He just walked out into the desert and I fear for him. I am scared he will think because I am LRT and dark that he can never come back into our lives. Not sending a card seems like I am telling him you are nobody. I don't want to send that message either.

My 180's include detachment. That is why I went dark. It is for my protection but H certainly asked for space so I am dark. Still I have to wonder if LRT is just something we tell ourselves so we don't have to admit there is no hope?

Regrettably I took W out for a weekend away ... was a moment between her on and off with OW and I wanted to try to win her back. It was ok .... looking back more of a mistake, was me pursuing and I really should have stayed dark ... set me back months I feel.

The card, well with your sitch I agree with job .. plain generic, more about "its the though that counts" angle ... but absolutely expect NOTHING in return. Send it for you, because that's the person you are .. not to get any reaction from him ... even if he does react .. let that go too.

Thanks for the wisdom Job and Cali.

After reading the books and reading this forum it all comes back to detachment. I must detach and sending a card could definitely set that process back. It is a really awkward time with all of this so new and financial issues not settled. Since MLC is all about lost youth, reminding him he is a year older is not a good idea either?

I my sitch I am already so removed from H because of distance. It is a blessing and a curse. 180's are easier but he isn't seeing them. GAL is happening but he has no idea what my life is like and he doesn't talk to anyone else either. I mean I could be 40 pounds lighter and on the Olympic volleyball team.

H only talks to OW. He treats everyone in his life the same. No one else hears from him. That is why I worry. I just want him to know the road home is not blocked. I love him enough to let him go but I don't want him to forget about us either. How do you remind someone with MLC that the door to their marriage, home and family is not bolted shut?

Gwen,
Your h already knows that you love him, so there is no need to remind him of that. He's not going to forget you because you've been a part of his life. Trust me, he thinks about you and your family a lot, but can't let go of those stuffed feelings that are bubbling inside to think clearly.

As for the door being ajar, he'll figure it out. There is nothing you can say right now that he won't misinterpret as pursuing. The more you let him know that you love him and that he can return, the more he'll push back.

The best thing you can do is live your life to the fullest and, if and when, he does wake up, it will be on him to find you and attempt to win you back...but he's got a lot of work to do to regain your trust and be transparent in all things that he says and does...but that is far down the road at this point in time.

BTW, many of the MLCers tend to disappear from the lives of friends and family for quite a while. This is very normal and it is nothing to worry about. When he's having some clarity moments, they may hear from him. As for the holidays, some disappear for a while and resurface after the holidays and then there are others who show up and want to be part of the family because it brings back memories of yesteryear. No one knows what their MLCers will do until closer to the holidays.

Keep the focus on you and your family. The man upstairs is watching over your h for now.

Gwen ... Totally agree with job ^^^^ (almost 20,000 posts I seriously get a hunch there is wisdom in those words)

Thing that struck me .. your FEAR ... TS gave me some help there, your fear he will forget about you?? After25 years of marriage? Don't do that, you can not forget about someone over 25 years, granted I get you .. seems we think about them every hour on the hour but since we hear nothing from them we feel they have forgotten us. I doubt this is the case ... we are there .. back inside that head ... but thats the thing they are running from at the moment ... you can not outrun your thoughts.

Hang in there, you are doing great. All we can do is live the life we have been given. Try to fix ourselves ... I have recently adopted the mindset that the New Cali will be awesomesauce ... regardless of my relationship status.

Job you are very wise but I had to smile when You posted the word normal as it relates to MLC. When it comes to marriage and H - "normal" ceased to exist. I feel like Alice in wonderland.

Cali your observation about fear is spot on. I am fearful about everything. H's mental health. D's dealing with everything at a time when they should be focusing on their own dreams. Fear I will never get a job after 20+ years. FEAR, FEAR AND MORE FEAR. I am trying so hard to overcome it. Most days I can fake it in front of everyone. It is only here that I reveal that fear.

I carry on and keep thinking if I can just "fake it until I can make it." I know it is a process and time is my friend IF I don't get stuck. Knowing my daughters are watching how I am tackling things is a huge incentive. They need to see strength and compassion. I don't have to be perfect but I can't be angry, bitter or scared of my own shadow.

In my mind I think if I can get through the holidays 2015 will be a new chapter. You know how you set these deadlines in your mind? Well I have decided that January 1st is the launch of project Gwen. I have been preparing and researching my options while grieving the tragedy of MLC. IC, GAL and PMA are tools I will need if project Gwen is going to be successful I still see myself as a W but maybe I just need to set that aside.

Only reason I am spot on ... I have the same issue.

Letting her walk her walk, not helping her, not protecting her goes against every ounce of fabric that I thought I was made of ... why .. because I have to let her go, doing this means releasing her into the world and accepting the fact she may not return, was never mine, leaving me ... ALONE ... and thats my fear, the loneliness is crippling at times. That is what my current battle is, slowly .. and I am talking snails pace slowly I am starting to understand where this came from, why I feel this way, and how to just accept it all.

I hear you Cali. I am proud about my leap forward in terms of acceptance. Of course he up and left so acceptance is easier in a way. My girls are older so he does not need to go through me. it is ironic but they have far less compassion for him than I do. They are at an age where if a Dad leaves and if a Dad cheats then he is not a man they respect. I stay neutral and tell them that humans are complicated. I also try to tell them that love and reconciliation come in lots of forms. I just tell them not to bolt the door shut.

Slow and steady like a snail...

Gwen sometimes we can learn from our children. They are not as fearful, therefore the reaction is real.

Gwen I know all this is so raw for you. There are people here that can really give u great advice, Job is one of them that has posted to you that u should really listen to. Jack3beans is another and the list goes on. They all helped me as well.
One of the biggest problems I had was thinking, ok this is a disease, so I will just put my life on hold til he is cured, I mean it's a mlc so he has to come around.
So so wrong Gwen. This takes a very very long time, we r talking yrs. generally if they come back before that it's usually too early. Read yellowrose, if it's stiil on here. She battled with her hubby until she passed away. God rest her soul.
I am in no way saying your marriage won't be fixed. I just don't want u to think if u do all the techniques in the books that it's gonna cure him. Do me a favor and Forget the MLC title. Ok? Your h walked out on his family. You have every right to be upset....birthday card from u would be pursuing. Do u want to pursue a man that left his family?
Like job said, he knows ur there, he knows u love him....but what he needs to ALSO know is that......he left the best thing he ever had and he better think about what he is doing because she is going on with her life, she don't call, she only has concerns for the children. Gwen let him feel what it's like to lose u. If u remind him u are there how can that happen?
Stop letting fear drive u. I went back to school at 45. My ex left me with a part time job, u can do this.
Quit worrying about mlc and if it's ur fault he left. Make the changes to better yourself, show ur kids u are strong. Who really knows why he left, cause they give every excuse in the world. They don't know themselves.
Mine left cause I called him too much while away fishing. 20 yrs of marriage out the door. If only I hadn't called him.....lol that's funny right?

Gotta smile sometimes.
Hugs Gwen

Thanks for posting Sunshine.

I think I fear that if I completely drop MLC from the narrative I might be incapable of having any compassion for him at all. Also I feel like certain posters keep prodding me to analyze all my past behavior and what I did to contribute to the sitch. MLC is all about accepting that there is nothing you could have done to prevent H making such destructive choices at this time in his life. That is an extremely confusing message at the start of a new chapter in the lives of the LBS.